Epilogue to THAT post (August 26th)

This post is for Kylee...who wants more from my heart. And since I've had more things come to my mind since that last huge post...here is the epilogue. or addendum. whichever you like.

side note: I'm currently listening to "Slow Dancing In A Burning Room" from Live in Los Angeles. He is intoxicating my mind.

Item #21: Singing and playing all night for & with some of your favorite friends is a great pastime. I enjoy it greatly...especially when there is so much love in the room. It feeds me and I gush it back out through song. If that isn't enough...having someone gently playing with your hair while gushing out a song is...beyond describable...euphoric...I don't know if using the word "gushing" is turning you off...but it's turning me on...I mean I think it fits.

Item #22: You should all wish you were a Gemini.

-I enjoy stargazing and talking and good company so...my friend Dale and I went up to Rock Canyon Park to talk/stargaze/make-out...sans the make-out part...he wishes! :) j/k Dale...I'm crazy. So anyway...he pulled out his stargazing app on his phone (Google Sky Map) and we studied the sky. We both finally figured out how to find the little dipper...or the big dipper...now I can't even remember. Dale..help me out. We started looking for astrological signs...most of them actually look like what they are...except for Dale's...sorry dude...All you Libras out there...yours is a hoax..j/k it's not...but it is the only sign that is an inanimate object... and it took us a minute to figure out how the constellation was supposed to be a scale. Anyway, then we found mine slightly below the horizon...I'm a Gemini which is the "twin"..and it was cute...it looks like two people holding hands.....so I guess my love is written in the stars.

Item #23: Speaking of love, I have a lot of love in my life right now....it's overwhelming...but in a good way...the best way. I just have so many friends near and far that I love and I have just felt this outpouring of love back recently. I tend to carry good close friends around with me for a long time..it's just part of who I am...but it's just been in abundance lately. Although I am still single and have a deep well inside of my heart to give to someone, I feel almost completely filled to the brim and warm all around because of the wonderful friends and family I have in my life. This is a great place to be. It's also just great to know that despite being single and alone, you can have a completely satisfactory life full of love if you want...as you wait in anticipation for someone to share the rest of your heart with. If you are lonely or sad or depressed and you want more love in your life...I suggest reading this book: "A Heart Like His" by Virginia H. Pearce. I read it over a year ago when I was striving for and wanting change in my life. I wanted to open my heart back up...I wanted to have that abundance that I feel now. It was part of my process. It could be part of yours, too. I think the most important thing is to give love openly. My dad has this thing that he calls the "emotional bank account." We were encouraged to make "deposits" into each other's emotional bank accounts and were reprimanded when we made "withdrawals." I don't think that when you deposit your love into someone else's emotional bank account that your account starts to run dry. In fact, I think it's more like a high yield investment....with at least double the return. At least this is what I have found in my life. Now don't you wish you were blue like me???! ;) (see item #6--Aug 26th post)

Item #24: My favorite quote of the week: "Hey skinny!!! Anorexia looks good on you!!!!" -Gina Peterson...not because I promote eating disorders in any way, but because Gina is hilarious and outrageous and gives me some needed therapy from time to time. Also she is the mother of one of my favorite people in the world, Stacia.

As of the last time I weighed myself--I don't weigh myself a lot because the number on the scale isn't really the point--I have lost about 25 pounds since I moved home last year...15 pounds since January...doing it the old fashioned way...eating what I want in a healthy and moderate way (read intuitive eating!!!! it changed my life & helped me mend my relationship with food), working out and letting go of emotional baggage...which is really the key. I read something several months ago that said "it doesn't matter what you do, it matters how you think. If you think of yourself as a fat person, you'll always be a fat person...whether you skip out on the ice cream or not. If you think of yourself as a skinny person, you won't get there in a day, but you'll put out that intention into the universe and it will inevitably answer you...you get what you focus on...whether it's being fat or being skinny. This also applies to anything you want. So...I'm becoming who I want to be. And I have about as much as I've lost left to go. But don't freak out...this isn't about looking hot (though that is a positive side effect) or fitting into some mold of what people think you should be...this is about keeping your body strong and healthy and living life to the fullest and being who you want to be and being fully comfortable in your own skin. I want to prevent diabetes and alzheimers and heart disease. I want to be active. I want to be strong for when I have children. I have about 10 pounds til I'm back to what I call my "equilibrium" weight...or my healthy average weight....but...I want more for myself. And like I said, not in a I'm going to be anorexic way. I will know when it's enough. I will feel my best.

Also...I'm wearing pants I bought a year ago right now and they're really falling off...I'm wondering if they're going past the "I'm going for the baggy look" to the "I look like a 12 year old boy cause I have no curves in these and my crotch is sagging way too low for my own good look"....I think if I wear a belt they could maybe just be baggy. But I don't know. This is not a bad problem to have, I realize. Except that I have no money to replace my clothes right now. So, everyone go buy my EP when it comes out so I can replenish my wardrobe (when the time comes) and not look like a 12 year old boy. Thanks.

Item #25: Hunter Brady is a hilarious person and a really good friend of mine. He has intermittently been my back-bone, at least musically for about a year. He wouldn't take credit if I told him that. He has thoroughly supported me and encouraged me to get my music career going and is a big reason why this EP is actually happening. He helped inspire a song (with a musical hook that he came up with) that helped me to start writing from a more genuine place. It was also my sister who I went to for advice who said, "you need to write from your experience...you need to write what you know...it has to mean something to you." My songwriting has changed for the better ever since that moment. I wrote a few genuine songs before that, including "Enough" and "The Truth"..partly because I was compelled to with those songs, but now the formula just makes more sense to me. I don't fill in lyrics with what I think they "should" say or just what rhymes...worst idea ever by the way...you can always tell when people do that. I don't struggle as much with what a song should be about..I just dig deep inside, or sometimes it's already out there ready for me to grab. Lyrics used to be a lot harder for me to find. Almost everything I write now really matters to me...and in turn it matters to you.

Anyway, back to Hunter. We were recording the electric for my song "A Boy and A Girl" tonight and I told him he needed to get into the groove and so we started recording again and I'm paying attention to the levels and the computer screen and feeling the song to make sure he was in the groove, which he definitely was, when all of a sudden I look over and see him dancing around what little space is left in my room next to guitars and amps and keyboards, with his eyes closed, and then he gets up and stands on my bed like Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch, except he wasn't jumping up and down, just getting down with his groove and then gets back down and puts one leg up on the amp and starts rocking out that way all the while playing a steady, error-less groove. I couldn't believe he didn't mess up and I had to control my laughter since we were micing the amp and not recording direct. I guess that's how he gets his groove on and I will say it definitely worked. I hope he doesn't mind me telling this story. It was great.

Also...try not to stand on your own headphone cord when you get up or when trying to walk somewhere with your headphones on....just....a piece of advice for you.

Item #26: I'd like to speak about another friend now. Her name is Kylee. Let me tell you a little about Kylee and my background. I was born and spent my childhood in San Diego...she served her mission in San Diego. I moved to Oregon at age 11 and lived there til college...she moved to Oregon (on the other side of Portland from me) at age 9 and lived there til her senior year of high school. We both went to BYU. Because she's musical and thus meets lots of musical people, we know a ridiculous amount of the same people from our time at BYU....people that we both spent an insane amount of time with so...it's just crazy that we never met in this time period. Then she moved to Boston. Okay, I never moved to Boston. I almost went to college in Boston, though...I was seriously seriously on my way there when I got my acceptance letter into the BYU school of music and just knew (yes, it was as easy as that, don't hate me) that I was supposed to go there (and was somehow okay with it all of a sudden when I had fought going to BYU and being like every other typical Mormon who goes to BYU and gets married and lives in Provo forever, my ENTIRE life..mostly my entire teenage life...So I mourned Boston and then moved to Provo with no regrets.) But, I did go to Boston after my freshman year in college. I walked onto Berklee's campus, pondered the merit-based scholarship I received to go there, looked into one classroom and saw the amazing facilities...every student had a MAC/Pro-Tools/keyboard workstation...and I went to the Starbucks across the the street, stared out the window at the campus and just about cried. I loved it there (in Boston), though I've only been that one time and really only spent one full day in the city. It was a really great day. That place reminds me of Portland, but on the east coast...and a little bigger. Back to Kylee.

So, if that weren't enough, she just happens to choose to go to grad school in Arizona and move into a neighborhood literally 0.5 miles from my house. Somehow she met and got to know my friend, the aforementioned Hunter Brady (I actually don't know how they met.) She was also in a ward with several people including one of my only friends when I first moved here, Camille. We didn't initially meet through Camille, but now we have lots of mutual friends...and I find this to be just great. Needless to say one random day in January Hunter said, you need to meet these girls at this house....I am taking you there, grab your guitar...you're going to play for them....they're going to love you. Uhhh....okay.... So I went...and we played for them. And then we talked and discovered that she knew me from Noteworthy and that we knew a lot of the same people (we might've gone over there two times, I can't remember.) I went to her music night the next month and then didn't see her for a while. Somehow, because I'm lucky and we both love music and because people are brought into your life when you need them (I think), she's become an integral part of my life over the last few months.

If God makes all of us with some sort of chemical compound, a formula of intelligence and heart and talent and gifts and spirit, then I believe that Kylee and I started with the same base. She is extremely intuitive (as am I), she has many gifts which I think are really beyond comprehension for some people...She has been through some difficult challenges in life that also contribute to her ability to have empathy for people, and to know how to help them, and help carry their heavy load. She draws people to her who have problems (as do I), because they see relief in her. I am not her and I don't know where she's coming from completely, but I do know somewhat. I'm really in tune with the energy that people carry around with them and I have the ability to know when something is wrong without that person really having to say anything. I can read what someone's problem is before they've told me. I tend to absorb some of the pain or anxiety that people have so they tend to be drawn to that. Some people are okay sucking the life out of you though....so I've had to learn. I've had to learn a lot about healthy boundaries and how to not let this ability shut me down physically and about how this gift isn't a curse. It's the reason I can write and you can understand. It's the reason I can love deeply. It's the reason I can make music that appeals universally. It's a big reason why I am who I am. But like with every gift, you have to learn how to use it and how to harness it for good. I admire Kylee because she has chosen to take these gifts that she has and better the world with them through helping people. She has chosen social work for her career and this I also admire. Though it is a likely career path based on my personality type, I don't know that I have the strength to enter this field. She is definitely stronger than me in many ways. She is a beacon of light to those around her. She will "make your dreams come true" if she can and she won't ask for anything in return. The thing is, we have gotten to know each other better in the last month and we have had many heart to hearts and long talks into the night, but we don't even know each other that well...like I didn't tell her my "life story" or a reader's digest version of it until last weekend...yet, I do know her. Sometimes you just meet people and it doesn't take any time, you just already are friends and you see that person for who they are. I think she is incredible and amazing and beautiful and talented and I admire the choices she has made in her life and the way she's dealt with difficulty and tragedy and loss and her drive to inspire and help people around her. So this post is for you, Kylee. You are amazing. In so many ways. I will return the favor and make your dreams come true in any way that I can. I already told you this, but I'm glad you are my friend and that after years of circling each other through life that God finally decided to put you on my path.

Item #28: This is to the attractive red-headed male BYU track team runner at the Cache-Teton Epic relay two weeks ago. I don't remember your name...but you volunteered at exchange 6 and stretched right in front of me and made sure I saw your infinity-pack abs...and you asked me for a smaller sized shirt even though the one I gave you was already pretty small...and when you asked if there were other sizes I assumed you wanted a bigger size...and then you caught my attention at Bergy's as we were on our way out and you asked me if a boy wanted me to watch "West Side Story" with him, would I? And I mocked the way you lifted your eyebrows suggestively with each syllable of your question as I said, "depends on how much I like the guy." And then the rest of your middle-aged probably already married team laughed and shouted "he wants to watch it with you!" as I walked out the door. I'm sorry...it really didn't occur to me that you would be remotely interested in me or my appearance after a really LONG day of volunteering and working out in the sun and wearing scruffy jeans and my race organizer shirt and my hair up in a messy bun with a head band on because I didn't get to shower that morning because my alarm went off late (see item #3.) And then I found out you actually did rent "West Side Story" at the store in Grace, ID because it was the only movie they had on the shelf and you actually did watch it. I'm not saying it would've ever worked between us...you being probably too into your rock hard abs and me too into my peanut M&Ms that assisted me in staying awake at exchange 30 the next morning...but...all I'm saying is... There's a place for us, Somewhere.

Item #29: My friend posted on facebook yesterday that she had an entire costco bag of powdered sugar break open and drench her while trying to move apartments. She wasn't happy about this, but I thought it was awesome. I mean, how often do you get to be drenched in powdered sugar? I mean...wouldn't that be a cool sensation? And it's not like that's something that's going to happen to you every day...or ever. So how lucky is she? It's like the lady on Patch Adams who wanted to swim in noodles. All I'm saying is, there's nothing you can do about it but enjoy it. Also I would like to swim in the chocolate river on Willy Wonka, but not be sucked into a tube. What are your weird food (or otherwise) fantasies????

Item #30: I hate to go out on an odd number. So...I will go out saying that if you have a twitter account, you should follow Ingrid Michaelson (and me!)...I don't care if you like her music or not. She is hilarious.

Recent tweets include: "Oh South Park, if I could spread you on a bagel and digest you and feed off of your glory, I would. I am tired."

And,

"The real housewives of NJ reunion show is on! So much tan skin! So much anger!"

I think that in some other life, Ingrid and Sara B and I were all best friends... If I am ever cool enough some day maybe if I hope and pray and wish maybe just maybe I will get to work with them and maybe sing with them and go on a Hotel Cafe tour or a sweet awesome female/singer-songwriter/pianists with sass tour...this my fantasy...and then we will become best friends and hang out all the time. The three of us. It's just my dream.

The end. Goodnight, or good day or good morning wherever you are.

Catherine