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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Dear Life,

This is that part where I start to run.

And I don't mean just physically, though I've been doing a lot of that lately.

I penned these words in September,

I'm just a girl,
blue eyes and yellow curls,
afraid of the world,
I keep to myself what I wanna be
I hide in my reverie.

I'm just a seed,
planted inside a shroud,
inclined to believe,
the world is a stomping ground
above my head.
I can't sleep inside this bed.

Sometimes I'm still that girl.

And then as I'm heading out the door--metaphorically speaking--which more accurately is me shutting the door and running away, losing myself somewhere deep inside, I stumble upon this scripture--Luke 12:24 "be ye not of doubtful mind." I'm not a firm believer in the, "I need an answer so I'm just going to close my eyes and open my scriptures and the first one I look at is my answer...." I don't think that's how it works. But, in some closely-related fashion I opened up my scriptures just for my regular study and I was drawn to this one. And then I start to feel like Zaccharias, who wanted something but didn't believe it would happen even when the Lord sent an angel to tell him it would--Luke 1:19-20--"and, behold, thou shalt be dumb, and not able to speak, until the day that these things shall be performed, because thou believest not my words, which shall be fulfilled in their season."

hmm...there's that "timing" thing again.

which lead me to Luke 24:25--"O fools, and slow of heart to believe..." oh man, I think I'm being chastized here. And then maybe, Catherine, you need a little reminder. Mormon 9:9-11 "God is the same yesterday, today and forever, there is no variableness neither shadow of changing...[He is] a God of miracles." (Mormon chapter 9 is probably one of my favorite passages of scripture ever...I don't know why, but I find myself drawn back to it over and over in my life.) And inevitably I end up in the scripture that I needed to hear most--sometimes you have to put forth a little effort to "stumble on" your answer...pay the price, if you will.

Matt. 14: 31 "O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?"
Mark 4:40 "Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?"

*sigh* I don't know.

Mormon 9:27 "O then despise not and wonder not, but hearken unto the words of the Lord, and ask the Father in the name of Jesus for what things soever ye shall stand in need. Doubt not, but be believing, and begin as in times of old, and come unto the Lord with all your heart, and work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before him."

After contemplating this post already in my mind, I attempted to read the October 2010 conference edition of the ensign on our drive up to my grandparents in northern Arizona. I'm not much of a car reader...makes me want to die...but I made it through these two--Trust in God, then Go and Do and Faith--the Choice Is Yours. Probably not coincidental that in the first one President Eyring goes into detail about Peter's lack of faith on the water and quotes that same scripture, "wherefore didst thou doubt?" The second one talks about moving forward and having faith in the midst of unanswered questions, doubts, the unknown, the unseen and the unexplained...yeah...those things...that make me want to run.

Sometimes I need a reminder. Sometimes I need a smack in the face...apparently. I usually don't share these kinds of things with you. But it's where I'm at right now. And occassionally I get "open book" syndrome. I hope you don't mind.

I haven't written in a whole month. Wow. Sorry about that. Since you've been dying to know :), I'll catch you up on my December.

I went to not one, but two productions of "A Christmas Carol"--strike that--two performances of the same production (I had a friend in the cast.) My mom and I went to East Valley Mormon Choral Organization's christmas concert at the Mesa Arts Center--Let the Bells Ring (or something like that.) I have to say this really brought the Christmas spirit and began the season for me. Full orchestra, choirs ranging from 5 year olds to adults and some of my favorite Christmas songs--Sleigh Ride (my great grandmother used to play it on the piano and it always reminds me of her) and I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day. I really went to support my friend, Stacia, but I'm glad it was good cause we might have procrastinated getting tickets and had to pay a lot of money for "the only available seats." Communists... j/k. Last week, my sister, mom and I went to see Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker" at Phoenix Symphony Hall with the Phoenix Symphony and Ballet Arizona. This classic is one of my all time favorites and I don't think I've seen it since my freshman year in college at Ballet West in SLC. Don't worry, we did get there 2 hours early because my mom was that worried about finding our way around downtown (this woman is perpetually late so don't ask me why this moment was different) and don't worry, we DID get to see Miss U.S.A. read the children's book of The Nutcracker in the lobby before the doors opened. Yeah...my mom thought it was a background of the story as told by someone in the cast or crew....turns out it was just story time with little kids anxiously looking at pictures as read by the beautiful long-legged woman with the tiara. Kristin and I did find humor in this and sat on the ground and made my mom take a picture....and yes we made sure Miss U.S.A. was in it.

I interviewed for, and got a job--thank you Hailee!--for which I am most grateful. It means I can get myself out of debt and save for New York....anything that gets me closer to New York, I am grateful!

I participated in the musical marathon that IS Christmastime--sang & accompanied & directed in 4 wards, a fireside (best. fireside. ever....if you sat on my row, you know what I'm talking about..and if you didn't, sucks for you!), and organized and participated in a spiritual/musical presentation for our ward's Christmas party. As my good friend Hunter Brady says, "Being musical at Christmastime is like being a man with at truck." Amen, brotha.

I ran alot...in the literal sense. My friend Camille and I are training for a half marathon on January 29th. I've been racking up somewhere between 15-25 miles a week. On Christmas Eve we went for our 8-miler and were feeling so good we decided to run 10. At mile 6, however, I rolled my ankle and biffed it hard core. Awesome, huh! I just sat there laughing while Camille and her sister were trying to console me. I honestly just thought it was funny. After the pain subsided and I re-gained some feeling in my ankle I decided to run 4 more miles. Runner's high!!! It's still a little swollen so I've been trying to take it easy this week---it's just so hard!!! I've been forced to take about 48 hours off cause though I would run here, it is a butt cold 36 degrees at 7,000 feet and if that's not enough it's windier than the seat of Aunt Delilah's pants!!! (no, I don't know what that means, either.) My goal is to run the 1/2 in less than 2.5 hrs. I think this is do-able for sure, but I'm hoping to surprise myself.

I'm also putting together a team for this-->www.epicrelays.com Epic Oregon Relay on June 17-18 from Portland to Eugene, OR. If you are interested, let me know!!!

I had a self-love day. A day dedicated to myself, to treat myself and choose to not feel bad on my own very personal "I'm single and it's Valentine's Day" day. Initially my plans for my perfect day were thwarted for reasons beyond my control. So, I improvised, I got myself ready & looking cute, took myself out to lunch, went shopping, did some P90x yoga (though difficult, always leaves you feeling amazing), went to this place, because I couldn't think of a place that I would feel more loved--and indeed I did---and took a bubble bath. It was by no means a perfect day. I ate lunch by myself, it rained on me & ruined the hair I took the time to curl, I couldn't find the movie I wanted to watch, a button fell off my new (really cute by the way) coat, I didn't make the session I was trying to and missed rehearsing that night with a friend. But in all the madness of the torrential downpour and things not going as expected I just smiled and laughed to myself. No love is perfect, I thought. It's better that way.

And while we're on the topic, I went on a date! That makes 4 official dates (I think) this year...and a handful of non-official or "non-dates" as I call them. I realize how pathetic that sounds, but this is monumental my friends! And all of them were after this post (Doors.) Coincidental? Maybe...but probably not. I'm still in possession of the master key in case you were wondering. But I suppose there is reason to hope for a different story in 2011. Let's just say it's nice to have options. In the end, it makes the choice all the more meaningful. After all, I am off to taste the rainbow in New York City (that was for you, Erin.) I also learned that playing tag in bumper cars is way funner than you would think and re-affirmed that though I suck at bowling, I can still come out destroyer...ha. At least my date was a good bowler. I also learned more about Italy from one of the other guys on the date who served his mission there. He had better things to say about Venice than Florence, but I suppose I will have to find out for myself...someday :).

I spent a lot of time (once again) at this place. Kylee says I'm addicted. Maybe. But I also did not anticipate being here at this point in my life, and through a sequence of events felt guided to where I am and being able to go to this place. So I appreciate it all the more and feel the most peace and assurance there. That's all.

My sister came home and it's been nice to have another person my age in the house. Although my parents are always fun, they fall asleep on the couch within 5 minutes of every movie. So, there has been lots of good food, mostly Christmas cookies (and you wonder why I've been running so much), and lots of friends to have fun & share them with. That's what the holidays are all about right? People (friends & family), love & chocolate! ha.

I spent Christmas Eve first with my family and then with the family of a dear friend. Through one of their Christmas traditions, I was given the opportunity to reflect on what I've been most grateful for this year. And I realized I have a lot to be grateful for. My family, the addition of my new, healthy niece, Ella, the ability to release my album and the wonderful reception it has had (thank you thank you thank you!!! I don't know if you can ever fully understand how much it means to me!), I've lost 40 pounds!!!--I'm currently sitting here wearing pants that are two sizes smaller than the ones I was wearing this time last year. I still have more to go. By this time next year I plan to be wearing pants that are two sizes smaller than that...but I am fine with the slow & steady, it's been a rewarding process of finding myself again. I have met so many wonderful people this year that have meant so much to me and been there for me at the most unexpected times. When I moved here I knew relatively no one and left so many good friends in other places. It is nice to know you can find good people everywhere you go.

On Christmas we woke up late (things are a bit different when there's only 4 of us and we're all adults), went and saw Harry Potter in the theatre, made dinner (my dad makes some amazing salmon...just trust me, it's amazing), ate outside under candlelight, THEN opened our presents, sang Christmas carols and watched a movie. (oh and Kristin and I had a photoshoot in our matching Christmas pajamas...don'tbejealousiknowyouare.)

This month I was interviewed by my good friend, Nicole Sheahan and featured in a Mormon Times article about my music. I also found out that a song I sang on Reflections of Christ ("I Need Thee Every Hour") is being featured in an independent film coming out this year called "Higher Ground." And, this morning I did my first radio interview (over the phone) for yourldsradio.com with Cherie Call. It will be posted online Tuesday, so look for the link! I joked on facebook about being "famous and things"...well...not yet...but I really just want to share the music. So, I appreciate your help and support in that endeavor.

We'll be heading back to Mesa tonight and I will try to figure out what I'm doing for New Year's Eve. I am trying to look forward to this event and with it the coming of a new year that I hope will bring lots of growth and change like this year did. It's just that I became accutely aware of a certain New Year's tradition when I was around 16 or 17 and have yet to participate in it. This year it feels slightly more sensitive and though I could be crazy and just throw my inhibition out the door to participate in this tradition with just anyone it doesn't feel quite right. This is really not a big deal or the end of the world...but I am a girl. But by next year...hopefully it'll be a different story...hopefully I will be in Times Square and I will have no problem laying one on whatever moderately attractive male that is in my proximity. Ha. Ha. Let's hope he's drunk!!!

New Year's night I'll be celebrating the birth of one of my favorite people on earth, Ms. Kylee Shields. This is cause for celebration.

Then I'll go on to start my job and probably inevitably attempt to relate reading to other life endeavors and fill the minds of these 5th and 6th graders with the hope that through hard work and believing, anything is possible. This is the part of teaching that I love. Other parts I could care less for. But when you see a glimpse in a kid's eye that they actually get what you're saying and want to believe you, it makes it all worth it. I'm thinking of you, Gordon...the scrawny, red-headed awkward child in my class who took teasing and bullying from the others and dished it right back out. Who ate donuts and pixie sticks for breakfast and complained that you needed a Red Bull to start your day though without any candy or sugar at all you were running a mile a minute. Your parents split and your grandpa died halfway through the term and the rest of the kids made homophobic jokes about you even though you had a crush on the new girl with the glasses in the corner. You listened to me that day when I brought in my John Lennon "Imagine" playlist and I asked you to write or draw about what music means to you or about what you want to be in life and I said that no matter your circumstances now you could have that if you wanted and you worked hard and it didn't matter what anybody else said. And you started to stay after class and help me clean up Rhythm Bingo and you said it was because you didn't like your science teacher and didn't want to go to the next period. I saw in you what I hope to see in these other kids...hope and potential. You make teaching worthwhile. And I'm excited to go back.

This has been a long post, and I apologize for withholding and then pouring out like a broken faucet. It's how I roll...sometimes.

For now, Life, I'll try to believe in you. I'll try to push away that doubt that comes creeping in and threatens to destroy the progress I've made. I still feel this way. And I still am hoping for you to come through.

I want to believe in everything you say to me,
entreating me to be all that you see in me,
but I just need to know that love's always gonna show
when I'm afraid to be,
I hope that you carry me.
I hope that you carry me.

Thanks for taking the ride,

Catherine

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

THANK YOU!

Hey everyone!

Happy (almost) Thanksgiving! What other day can we celebrate binge eating, laying around all day and watching too much TV and not feel bad about it? Hopefully you have a lot to feel thankful for and I hope your holiday is filled with food and family!

Here's what I'm thankful for:

My EP "The Truth" was released on Saturday, November 20th and it received such a warm reception at my release concert that night! It was all I could ever ask for after laboring over this musical child for so long. Letting it go out into the real world was a bit scary, but thank you to everyone who is embracing this record and loving it! It means the world to me! If you're interested in purchasing a copy, you can find it on iTunes, Amazon mp3, or get a physical copy through my blog www.catherinepapworth.blogspot.com. If you live locally in Mesa, AZ you can pick up a copy at Musician's Choice music store as well...or Kylee's house:).

Secondly, in honor of Thanksgiving and the fact that we just reached over FOUR HUNDRED fans on facebook (WHAT?!?!) and as a big THANK YOU to everyone for your amazing support for this record I am offering a fan exclusive download of my song "Carry Me" through my reverbnation page!!! This song is about being afraid and having someone to carry you through and my hope is as I go through my career that there will be amazing people like you who will remind me why I do this and that I can do this, so thank you thank you thank you!

Sorry for all of the gushing (but it's the holidays!) Have a great holiday and stay away from Aunt Edna's yams!!!

Catherine


Monday, November 15, 2010

What are you scared of?




I'm Scared to try cuz I'm scared to fail
I'm scared to die cuz I'm scared of hell
I'm scared to kiss I'm scared to hug
I'm scared of sex cuz I'm scared to touch

I'm scared to look cuz I'm scared to see
I'm scared of you cuz I'm scared of me
I'm scared to fly I'm scared to crash
I'm scared to move on so I live in the past

I'm scared to fight cuz I'm scared to bleed
I'm scared to love cuz I'm scared he'll leave
I'm scared of drugs I'm scared to drink
I'm scared to swim cuz I'm scared to sink

I'm scared to learn cuz I'm scared of truth
Don't wanna gain weight cuz I'm scared of food
I'm scared to think that the label drop me
I'm scared to think of my album floppin...

This may sound silly but its true
So don't pretend it aint you too
We all afraid of something here
Cuz you aint human with out fear



I'm scared to start cuz I'm scared I'll quit
I'm scared that people won't like my s@#%

I'm scared of fame and paparazzi
of rumors starting and people watching

I'm scared to grow up cuz I'm scared to get old
I'm scared of the dark and being alone
I'm scared of war I'm scared of jail
Scared to share a secret cuz I'm scared you'll tell

This may sound silly but its true
This may sound silly but its true
So don't pretend it aint you too
But I aint too scared to share my fears
We all afraid of something here
Cuz you aint human with out fear

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Dream Big


"Amazing things come from the people who don't cower
to materialize their everyday thoughts and philosophies
as well as their wildest dreams and most genius ideas.

All are capable, but few rise to the challenge.

The challenge: forfeiting insecurity and a fear of the unknown,
accepting the possibility of rejection
and the crude opinion of others.

This is the spirit of Art.

This is the spirit of all great things."

-my 18 year old self


Learn Wisdom
Let Growth
Be Love
Accept Grace


Believe it when you're young, learn it as you grow, know it when you're old.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Re: Stacks

So I listen to this podcast, usually every Monday while cleaning my room, and...this week they played a clip of a song by a professional acappella group called Sonos. I went searching iTunes to figure out what this song was and found out it's called "Re: Stacks", which seemed familiar but I didn't know why. I of course purchased it and have been listening to it nonstop for about two days. Then, I decided to google the lyrics and soon found out, to almost no surprise, that it is originally by my serious lover of my soul of the moment Bon Iver. Duh. No wonder I love it. His music speaks to me. And it continues to. So there you go. Here is the Sonos version and the original. Enjoy and let it satiate your weary soul. That is my advice. You're welcome. The end.





Re: Stacks
by Bon Iver

This my excavation and today is kumran

Everything that happens is from now on

This is pouring rain

This is paralyzed



I keep throwing it down two-hundred at a time

It's hard to find it when you knew it

When your money's gone

And you're drunk as hell



On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks are your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load



I've twisting to the sun I needed to replace

The fountain in the front yard is rusted out

All my love was down

In a frozen ground



There's a black crow sitting across from me; his wiry legs are crossed

And he's dangling my keys he even fakes a toss

Whatever could it be

That has brought me to this loss?



On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load



This is not the sound of a new man or a crispy realization

It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

Your love will be safe with me
Your love will be safe with me

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Lost

Two years ago this November I went to this concert. I don't understand how you couldn't think these guys are brilliant. They're the kind of band that it wouldn't matter if they never made it big, if they were still playing in their garage, they would still make great music, and I would love it. In fact, I kind of wish they still played in their garage...for only me. ha. Chris, Guy, Will and the other guy...jk Jonny....I have physically, but not spiritually washed my hand since shaking yours. I don't know what that means.

LOST!

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm across

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved
No better and no worse

I just got lost!
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Oh and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost!
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Oh and I'm just waiting til the firing's stopped
Oh and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off







Probably one of my most favorite moments from this concert...on the SLC stop, I wasn't in Melbourne...I wish.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Shae Fiol-A Woman's Presence

Shae Fiol is a Brooklyn-based artist, originally from Portland, OR. She's crazy talented, and though I may be slightly biased, I don't think my bias detracts from this fact...cause she is...but she's also the sister of one of my best friends from high school, Lia. Their mom, Beth, Lia and Shae are some of the most talented, beautiful, awesome people I've ever met.

A night with these ladies would probably include making dinner with food straight from their garden, pulling out the mandolin, piano & guitars, talking about the amazingness of Oscar Peterson and Chaka Khan, going on an after dinner walk through their beautiful Portland (area) neighborhood, sitting in a drum circle and jamming and improving for hours on end, dancing to the ensuing afro-latin beats, enjoying the late Portland summer sunset, drinking wine & beer (not me), and basking in the moment and the beauty and rhythm that is life and the earth around us. They are artists in the truest sense, in the creativity and beauty and joy that surround them.

I have yet to travel to their New Hampshire (is it?) cabin/home/lake/garden/farm where they have been residing off and on for the last few years since Beth retired. But, someday I will and I can't wait. Also, Lia, I miss you and I need to come see you in Madison...it's true.

This song is speaking to me. I listened to it on repeat on my 1 AM run the other night...yes, 1AM, I'm crazy...so sue me. You can find Shae's album, "Catch a Ride" on iTunes.




A Woman's Presence by Shae Fiol

There is a woman's presence
wrapped around you
that has me afraid to
pick up where she left off
and you claim she's been lost
but I sense her touch
in your reaction to each of my advances
your body responds to where she's been
and the scars of love and war
you show she was here before me

ooo you ain't ready
you ain't ready
you ain't ready
you ain't ready

there is a woman's presence
wrapped around you
that I pretend I don't see it
but when the two of us are alone
and caught in emotion, I hear
the echo
of the issues you've been through
and I can't go there with you
I'm not here to help you forget
I am not her replacement

you ain't ready
you ain't ready
you ain't ready
you ain't ready

I don't deserve to feel you want her
I don't deserve to feel you want her
I don't deserve to feel you want her
but your mind can't fight your heart's decision
and I can't fight my intuition and

you ain't ready
you ain't ready
you ain't ready
you ain't ready

my love is sweet and strong
I don't want to beg anymore
Baby, she's gone
can we please move on?

there is a woman's presence
wrapped around you

India.Arie + Shae Fiol=LOVE. Remember what I said about improving & being in the moment?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I love my brother.





I sometimes forget how funny my brother is. He will be offended when he hears me say that...but only because he is fully aware of how funny he is :)!!! jokes.
I started to share this on facebook today but apparently you can only have 420 character status updates. So here was the full list of quotes, though there were probably more.

"I hate when people say that...she looks like Gwyneth Paltrow...and then I see her and she looks like Fat Albert...She looks nothing like Gwyneth Paltrow."

"You wrote a lot of good songs, but you're going to hell."

"Kristin, kristi, kristin, kristi, kristin, kristi, kriiiiiistiiiiii said..."

"The light just turned red and this bus thought the porsche was going to go through but it didn't. That bus driver was just like, 'AHHHH!' (**screaming out loud--he was walking in downtown Denver with I'm sure lots of people around**) That bus almost just swallowed that porsche whole and farted it out the tail pipe."

Michael: "We gotten started..." Me: "just...we started.." Michael: "yeah, we started..gotten..."

Michael: "I saw myself getting married to her many times." Me: "For a second I thought you said, 'I found myself getting married to her many times.' Michael: "yeah, I just kept marrying her over and over and over and over."

"I don't think God blesses all marriages/unions/etc. If some people were like, 'hey, do you approve of this marriage?' he'd be like, 'no dude, I don't."

Michael's wise words:
"It bugs me in the culture of the church we think of things in 'if we're righteous, we're blessed, if things don't work out it's cause we did something wrong.' We automatically make everything competitive. If something works out for someone else it's like, 'well, they must be more righteous than me. I must not be righteous. I must be doing something wrong.' But you don't necessarily know that that person's "fortune" e.g. marriage, job, family, etc etc. are even a good thing or even the best thing. You have to realize that there is a best thing for you and it doesn't have to do with things working out for anyone else. You don't deserve to be happy before someone else or vice versa, your timing is all your own. Don't automatically compare yourself to other people. Just keep being righteous and doing your thing, it's between you and the Lord."

I've already shared these videos, but in case you missed them.


video

video

video

Monday, October 18, 2010

Chapter 2: The Idea of Love

This is Chapter 2 of my "Love Posts." You can read Chapter 1: Love is a Choice here. I apologize to any readers who have been waiting patiently for this post. I don't know why it's taken me so long to write it. I have literally written it on my 'to do' list and even sat down with my hands on the keyboard ready to type it but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not sure why. I felt myself enmeshed in a certain situation that I feared might distract me from getting to the point or make me biased on the topic. It's a strange thought however, since anything I say, my opinions on love and my view of the world, is going to be inextricably subjective. There isn't really any way around it. So I'm not sure why waiting would make me more objective. But I do know now that anything I say will be the honest truth, tried and tested in my own life. As always, I am interested in your thoughts on the topic. Treat this like a thread if you'd like.

Now onto the preface...cause I always have to have one of these...get my current thoughts out of my head so I can embellish on the real subject. If you want the real point of this post (i.e. all of you men out there--hey, I am not bashing males here just celebrating and accepting our differences...and I know that all you really want is the point so...) go ahead and skip to "The Idea of Love" below.

Preface to the preface: morning person

I am sitting here drinking my often ritual herbal peppermint tea with my candle glowing and light music playing in the background. This night ritual is sometimes preceded with a bubble bath but usually followed every other night with reading, not blogging. Yesterday, I made a pact with myself and I am already breaking it to write to you. I've decided to become a morning person. If any of you really know me out there your mouth may be falling to the floor. You actually are probably thinking, "prove it to me." So...I'll try. Two nights ago I stayed up chatting with good friends 'til almost 2AM. I then stayed up 'til 4AM after I got home. My head popped off the pillow at the early hour of 12 NOON! the next day---hey...I need my 8 hours...I may not get it when you do...but I don't function on less than 8 and sometimes more--and my first thought was, "Man, 4AM is a TERRIBLE bedtime." This is the first time I have ever in my life had a thought like this...a genuine, whole-hearted desire to stop staying up late and a complete disinterest in that terrible feeling of waking up when half of the day is over. This was truly of my own volition and not out of guilt because I missed a class or didn't get up and work out like I had planned the night before. There was no reason I needed to get up before noon that day and it was of no consequence to anyone that I went to bed at 4am either. So it makes no sense why now after all this time that I finally change my mind. I am a night owl in the truest sense. I am nocturnal. I should have been born an owl or a bat or some other strange nightly creature. The night doesn't scare me. It's when I'm awake and alert and creative and can lose track of time on a subject without being bothered with the structured hours of the day. It's the night...it's my solitude. But, I love the morning, too...I just don't get to experience it quite as often, at least not waking up to it...going to bed to it I know really well. I am not a morning person. In fact, it would be wise to not try to wake me up in the morning or talk to me within two hours of getting up on most days. You won't find me, you'll find someone else. I take no responsibility.

Anyway, there was a time when I was a morning person. It was one summer and it was brief. Life was good though. I love the sunrise and that summer when we got up at 4 and trekked up to Council Crest Park to watch the sun peak over the horizon and onto the beautiful city of Portland...for no reason but to just be enveloped in its beauty. Those were good days. I do love the morning. It's the start of a day...a day of endless possibility...well a day of a lot of possibilities. There's a fresh feeling and a feeling that you can go and accomplish whatever you want. You get to start over. You get to make it good. When you wake up at 12 you don't get that feeling. I want to change this. Even though I tend to write the most late at night, maybe I can find my solitude and inspiration in the morning. So, my bedtime needs to change. And I can't write to you into the night like I am doing right at this moment. This is obviously going to take some work.

Preface: milestone

Today I met a milestone. We passed along the road. I stopped, said hello, we chatted for a few minutes, I thanked him for the kind meeting and I went along my way. Later on I stopped for a minute by the road to think and ponder about meeting this milestone. I was happy to see him, but I'm also very happy to be passing by. This moment was monumental for me but for most of you my moment on the road today was a passing glance or a silent speck on the film of life. So as its meaning and importance isn't as valuable to you, I will share it with you anyway.

Today I weighed myself (something I only do when I feel like it and know and feel beforehand that if I'm going to do it then it is going to not matter to me what number I see. It's only to make an observation and not a judgment. Of course when the outcome is good I allow myself a brief moment of victory. Who wouldn't.) The milestone: As of weighing myself today I have lost 30 pounds. 30 pounds. Thirty pounds. I'm going to say it again: thiiirrrtttyyy pounds. What? Really? That's a lot. That's gross that I had 30 pounds to lose. But I'm not mad about it or judging myself for it. I have 20 more pounds or so to go. That is my goal at least. When I get there we'll see if it's all I want. But that's a matter of finding myself and has nothing to do with what anyone else thinks.

I'm not on a diet. I believe in eating healthy, whole foods. My relationship with food is basically summed up here. I exercise, I run, I stay active. But mainly I believe it's how you think that matters. "As a man thinketh, so is he."--James Allen (good book by the way, and short) I choose to be happy. I choose to love my life. I choose to love myself. Even on the weeks when boys dump me, my ipod dies, I wake up to the reality of my finances and realize I need to find work (job searching is one of the more depressing activities in life), and when I see how I'm so close to what I want, and yet so far away (New York, I'm talking about you.) I choose to love myself and my life even on a week like this. I see myself not where I am now, but where I want to be. I literally see myself in the mirror that way. This makes for a frustrating discovery because this method doesn't work when looking at pictures of yourself. Those pictures are freeze framed in time and capture you exactly where you are in your progress at that moment. But I brush it off and keep going because I know where I'm headed. I keep a number in my head, usually in 5 pound increments...I find that I am usually dead on this number each time I decide to weigh myself. All I'm saying is, you can be whatever you want to be. You can do whatever you want to do. You can achieve whatever you want to achieve. It's all in how you think.

Anyway, this is good news, right? The half of it that you don't know is: this is the weight I was at, the very weight I was at before I told him basically to get out of my life. That talk happened the first week of January and within 3 months, a whirlwind semester including a competitive journey that took us to LA, SF and NYC DURING SCHOOL, a strenuous relationship with some of my classes and professors and no "me" time, I gained 10 pounds. That summer, I moved to Portland with only my bicycle and my feet to get around, went running or hiking at least 3 times a week, rode my bike everywhere--to work, for fun (Johnson Creek River Trail to the Waterfront, up Hawthorne to Mt. Tabor and back home....I love Portland so much!) & to visit friends--and hardly ate except for basmati rice, the house salad and sourdough rolls from the restaurant I worked at as any form of a steady diet because I didn't even have a fridge to keep food in. Somehow even with all of that activity, I gained 10 more pounds. I realize now this had to do with the fact that I lived less than 2 miles from his house. At some point in the next year or two I fluctuated between another 10 pounds...making 30 pounds total.

My body was out of whack and even my normal exercising and eating whole foods wouldn't cure it. I even ran a half marathon thinking in my attempt and through training that it would jump start me. It didn't. I still ran the half marathon, though.

Gaining weight wasn't a simple matter of calories in calories out for me. It was a protection, from him and anyone else who would try to hurt me. It was a manifestation of what he made me feel I was: nothing. So I became that. I completely lost myself.

But, I don't believe in being a victim. I think sometimes people victimize you. But, it's not for me to judge his reasons or anyone's reasons for doing that. There comes a certain point when you have to take ownership for your life. You have to change the way you think and heal the things you can and move on the best way you know how. So, after 3.5 years I am back here, back to this milestone. And I said goodbye, just as non-chalantly as I said hello, and I won't regret never meeting him again.


The Idea of Love

I have a good friend from college, Ashkan, who is very dear to me. We have the kind of relationship that never needed any maintenance. It was there when we needed it and it was fine when we didn't. We studied music and art history together, vowing to get another 100% (I think it happened once.) We sat in his apartment with our matching slippers eating honey bunches of oats with his lactaid milk (so good!) and watching episodes of LOST back to back for hours. We went on long bike rides just to smell the fresh air. One time we synced our ipods up to the X&Y album and went for an hour long run...same music in our separate earbuds. This was an awesome run...for me...he puked after. We drove to Salt Lake and sat in coffee shops just to feel like we were in some sort of metropolitan atmosphere and to forget that we lived in Utah. We had long talks about life and our differences in religion and similarities in spirituality (he was my one non-member friend at BYU...so of course I held onto him! I have a maybe strange to you but normal for me need for diversity in my life.) We watched indie films and documentaries (he was a film major) and listened to Sigur Ros and Sufjan Stevens. We jammed out on the guitar and the djembe and even gigged together a few times. I may have fallen asleep on his couch a time or two---shhh don't tell the honor code office---but he would let me stay (he slept in his room...just to clear that up), because from time to time I needed someone, someone safe, someone like him. And, (to get to my point) we had lots of talks about love. We went through simultaneous relationships and break-ups and were there for each other in the interim. I listened, he listened, I cried, he...probably didn't cry. But, anyway, after years and years of troubled relationships he finally met his awesome wife, Brandi. They met late spring one year and were married that August. She is almost 10 years older and neither of them were looking for each other. I asked him about their relationship after they were engaged and what he said to me is something I will always carry with me now. He said:

"The problem with the way that two people meet is that you meet somebody and you start to like them and you create this complete idea of who this person is that really has no founding on who that person really is. But, it's a manifestation of who you want that person to be. You have built up this idea in your mind and you spend the rest of your relationship trying to make that person live up to your idea of them and being let down every time you realize they're not. The reason Brandi and I worked is that we met each other with no pretenses. We just got to know each other without thinking about each other and placing each other in this fantasy world in our heads. We got to know the real version of each other. And, we already were what we wanted. She already was what I wanted and vice versa."

Take the lyrics to this song, "I fell in love with the dream that I built of you, playing the part of the queen." Do you do this? I know I have, it's lame. I mean, I have a dream of John Mayer and Johnny Depp and James McAvoy. It's great, they love me (each separately), they're wonderful, they worship the ground I walk on. But, it's not real...I am so unfortunately aware of this reality. It's fiiiiine. But we do this to each other. Why do we do this to each other?

Here's my advice, my suggestion, my soap box, if you will. We need to be honest with each other. We need to not strategize and manipulate and try to pretend we're something we're not and try to pretend they're something they're not in order to make ourselves fit together. Don't say you're okay with their career choice and then secretly know inside that once you are together you will try to change their mind, or worse after you're married. Don't say you enjoy the theatre or dancing or this or that movie because you know he enjoys them when you really hate those things or could care less. If they really like/love you it won't matter to them that you don't like that movie. They will love you for who you are. And isn't that what you want anyway? So BE YOUR-FREAKING-SELF.

Here's why:
Too many people are afraid to tell someone the honest truth about who they are and about what they want. He or she says, "I don't want to tell them the truth or be myself...they may not like me...and what if they're 'the one'." Really? You are afraid so & so won't like you and then you think they could be "the one"? You really think "the one" is not going to like you? If they're not "the one" wouldn't you want to know that now instead of years down the road?

If you are completely genuine and honest about who you are and how you feel about the other person, AND taking into account that you are a relatively sane person, and that person doesn't like you---don't take it personally. Stop yourself. If you are 100% genuine and authentic and they don't like who you are it doesn't change who you are. They just don't like you. And there's not a problem with that. You're spaghetti and they like tacos. You are going to find a spaghetti lover. You will feel much more comfortable and happy with your future spaghetti lover than always trying to please your taco lover. Am I making sense? It's okay if I'm not, cause it's almost 2 AM now. Taco Bell is still open...hence the taco reference. jokes.

So people, let's just be upfront with each other. That is my wish. Let's stop creating ideas in our head of who somebody is that fits into what we want and just be real. Get to know the real him/her and figure out much more quickly if they're what you want. Be the real you and you don't need to worry about whether or not someone likes you. Feel good about who you are. Let's find something more real. It'll be better. I promise. You won't regret it. (That is what I tell myself at least, as I just got through meeting another taco lover. But I don't think I'm wrong about this. What do you think?)

I'm so tired now I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm going to leave you with this song that I love right now. I downloaded the acoustic version through his facebook account last week. There is a line that I love and it relates to this topic. It has a spot in my favorite lyrics of the moment...that and a line from Brooke Fraser ft. Aqualung's song "Who Are We Fooling?"--great song, check it out.

This song is written in second person, but my personal interpretation is that he's talking to himself. I like this idea better. And I can relate. You can make songs what you want them to be, just not people. Remember that.

Goodnight.

Take A Bow

take a bow
cause you played your heart out
and take your time with working the rest out
and try & stay out of your head
i have seen you invent the damndest things there


oh so what
maybe she could not really ever see you through her self
what does that change about you or her?

and try and to stay out of your head
i have seen you invent the damndest things there

maybe down the road i'll see you in a blur
from the speed of light you moving with her
maybe down the road i'll see you in a blur
see you in a blur

don't lean back, my friend
there's not much there that will push you on
use your stride, slow
and pick it up over time
and try & stay out of your head
i have seen you invent the damndest things there
and try & stay out of your head
i have seen you invent the damndest things there





Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Running Race

**Remember you can pre-order a signed copy of my EP and get a free acoustic download of "Enough" in the next two weeks!!!

Running Race
by Catherine Papworth
10/11/10


Are you scared little boy?
standing there at the start
afraid that the gun will deploy
you sit in your lonely heart

she could be your savior
she could be your friend
carry your heart to enable you
till you reach your bitter end

but love is not a running race
take it at your own pace
love is not a running race
not this love

some of us run to the fire
but burn out before it's done
some raise their fists like a lion
and hope their cowardly heart has won

you keep your love at a distance
then she walked into your view
you start to form the resistance
but she saw inside of you

and said,
love is not a running race
take it at your own pace
love is not a running race
take it at your own pace
love is not a running race
not this love
not this love
not this love
not this love

are you afraid you won't need her?
afraid you can't keep her
all you gotta do is believe her
when she says,

that love is not a running race
take it at your own pace
love is not a running race
take it at your own pace
love is not a running race
take it at your own pace
love is not a running race
not this love
not this love
not this love
not this love

love is not a running race
take it at your own pace
love is not a running race
not this love.

Monday, October 11, 2010

EP PRE-ORDER

Hey friends!

This day has arrived. I am so excited. Put on your Depends cause this is peeyourpantsworthy.

You can pre-order my EP via paypal for the next two weeks! I will be sending out all pre-orders up to a week before the official release date on November 6th. I will be signing all pre-orders AND if you enter your e-mail address I will send you an acoustic version of "Enough" sometime in the next two weeks. Do you hear that?!??!! A free song AND a signed copy of the EP!!! That's exciting.

The EP will also be available on iTunes on Nov. 6. After the release date, physical copies can be purchased through my website or in person/at shows!

Go to my reverbnation page to listen to the title track "The Truth" and the EP version of "Enough." Keep checking back because I will be posting more songs as the release date gets closer.

The track listing is as follows:
The Truth EP
1. The Truth
2. Golden
3. Enough
4. Cry Baby Cry
5. Tug of War
6. Somewhere Over the Rainbow

DONATIONS:
I write, record, produce and make all of my music myself. So, in other words, I pay for and produce everything you hear. I want to continue to make music that uplifts and inspires people and helps us all get through this day to day business we call life and love. I don't have a label backing me or a rich uncle dedicated to my cause (wouldn't that be sweet!) so if you feel so inclined to donate to my cause (honestly a dollar would help) I would appreciate it immensely. 100% of donations will go toward funding this EP release and also the full length album that I am working on and will mean getting it to you even sooner! Thank you in advance for your support and love! I could not do what I do without it!


Much love,

Catherine

(follow me on Twitter and Facebook to for more news, updates and info!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

carry me

carry me

by catherine papworth
9/29/10

you have wings
golden and sturdy
you carry things
right where you wanna be
the world is yours
you can open any doors

i'm just a girl
blue eyes and yellow curls
afraid of the world
i keep to myself what i wanna be
i hide in my reverie

and i can't even say things that i wanna say
and i'm afraid to see what's right in front of me
and i don't wanna know that love's never gonna show
when i'm afraid to be
i hope that you carry me
i hope that you carry me
mmm...

you are the breeze
soft like a baby's cheek
you travel the seas
and glide between endless leaves
your brilliance soars
you're strong like the ocean's roar

i'm just a seed
planted inside a shroud
inclined to believe
the world is a stomping ground
above my head
i can't sleep inside this bed

and i can't even say things that i wanna say
and i'm afraid to see what's right in front of me
and i don't wanna know that love's never gonna show
when i'm afraid to be
i hope that you carry me
i hope that you carry me
mmm...

mmm...
mmm...

and i want to believe in everything you say to me
entreating me to be all that you see in me
but i just need to know that love's always gonna show
when i'm afraid to be
i hope that you carry me
i hope that you carry me
mmm...
oh carry me
oh carry me

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Love. Chapter 1: Love is a choice.

**if you want to get down to the point of this post, skip to "Chapter 1."

Preface

I've had this blog post in my head for a week or two now. I don't know why I'm deciding to write it now, at 1 am on a wednesday night/thursday morning after musing on it and almost writing it several times before this. I wasn't going to write it at all actually. I have been thinking about cutting down on my blogging/facebooking/tweeting/youtubing/gmailing/etc etc in general. These are hard habits to break, but the point is to stay connected and...I agree with Christopher's sentiment on this week's podcast final thought....I'd rather be connected to 5 of you one on one, in your presence, even on the phone, than find out through fb what 1,000 people are up to. And it bothers me that I feel more connected to my close friends that are scattered in AZ, UT, OR, CA, NY, WI, IL, IA, TX, WA, PA, etc through the internet than in real life (I'm sorry if I forgot someone...shout it out!) And I just finished my album and part of me just wants to take a step back and spend a little more time seeing, hearing, absorbing, pondering, sampling, changing, learning, stretching, loving and living life and the world around me. I want to fill myself back up with life and love, let it incubate for a time and then put it down on paper. I've spent so much time on the output in the last few months, it's time for a re-charge. So my diary entries may become less public, which probably won't bother you, because how many of you really want to read a novel about what I'm thinking? And I will try to spend my time connecting in other ways with real people...where are they to be found? I don't know, but I want to find them...so I will.


I went on a run tonight...I needed to get out some angst I'd been feeling. I ran this morning, about 3 miles and with tonight that makes 5. Sometimes I wonder if this uneasiness I'm feeling in my soul really has to do with the desire I put out there to lose another 25 pounds...it's really just a manifestation of the image of what I want that I put out into the universe...it's answering me with an unfulfilled heart, so I will run my pain away and drop that extra weight. I've figured it out. Genius. Anyway, Coldplay accompanied me on this run under a full moon (or almost full.) The X&Y album brought me back to a different time...to a scar that I have done my best to and continually try to heal, but sometimes still find bleeding. This song--What if I got it wrong, and no poem or song, could put right what I got wrong, or make you feel I belong. What if you should decide, that you don't want me there by your side. That you don't want me there in your life.--played first...my very fear that came true. And I'm fine now that it did. But, I don't want to believe it will always come true...so I toughened up and ran harder. And then this one. I don't care what you say about this song...how it's over played, over covered, not that good, cliche, not your favorite....it will probably always be one of my favorite songs because it means something personal to me, and I might've cried a little when I saw it live (on the 3rd row my friends!!!) Because it means sadness and loss and eventual redemption. And it takes me back to that frigid day in November when he unloaded all of his angst about life and other girls and life again on me and I took it and held his hand and told him it would be okay, and when he was done he told me again that it wasn't going to work and that I should go, and he put his coat on me, kissed my forehead and let me walk away. At least he cared that I wasn't cold, and though he loved me, he didn't choose me, and it wasn't enough. So I walked home in an over-sized winter coat with literal tears streaming down my face because this time, for the first time in a year, he chose not to walk by my side, and I listened to "Fix You" through my headphones on repeat (I'm sure this was a really sad and mostly pathetic sight to see) and then spent 3 days in the bathtub with this song on repeat...Chris Martin, you understood my pain and couldn't have put it more plainly. And finally years later I'm living that hope that I held onto lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you. Though nobody did come to fix me, mend my heart, fill that void, take his place except for extremely loving family and friends and a loving Heavenly Father, all of which I could not live without...with their help and on my own, I fixed myself. Sometimes life brings you back there though...not to a place where you're not over that person...those feelings are long gone...but just not over what happened to you and the fear of it happening to you again. So I spoke with my loving big brother on the phone, took a bath with essential oils this time instead of the usual gardenia bubbles, cozied up in my bath robe (cause who really likes to wear real clothes), put on my hot pink socks (ow ow!) that I got at the BYU Creamery--3 for $1--to snuggle my feet...yes...I just said that...sometimes you need a good snuggle, and enjoyed a fat free yoplait raspberry cheesecake yogurt. It's all about the small things. (yoplait made into my last blog post, what is this?) So I am relaxed and ready to spill my mind on the topic of discussion for today: love.

Disclaimer: These are only my unadulterated thoughts from my own misguided and limited experiences. Take them with a grain of salt if you must, or take them to heart. This is mainly for you single people out there. If you're in a healthy, happy, committed relationship and preferably marriage relationship...you can disregard this entire post. But I hope you do read it and you tell me what you think, because I'd rather this be a discussion. And since you have reached this phenomenon of a situation, if you disagree with me, you are automatically right and I wrong....though I may still use my discretion to determine that. Here we go.

Chapter 1: Love is a choice.

You're about to think that I'm completely unromantic, but I will attempt to prove you wrong. I took a class in college (I think it was the one on the proclamation on the family, but I'm not sure) and the professor said something that just ignited a giant light bulb in my brain. He was talking about the idea of soul mates and how our generation is caught up with the idea that there is one person out there who is destined to be our soul mate and we must find them or else we'll never be happy and when we do find them our souls collide like magnets and we can't live or breathe without that person and we're completely compelled to love them because of this cloud of incredible love that we're floating on...we can't see the ground and everything about them makes us go wild and it's almost toxic how in love we are and we just can't help how we feel and it's not our fault...they're our soul mate and it's destiny.

I think I just puked a little in my mouth....not really, but I don't like this idea very much at all. He said, "You think this is extremely romantic. You think the idea of finding your soul mate and the way it'll make you feel is the most beautiful, awesome, romantic thing there ever was. But, it isn't romantic at all. You say 'I love you' because the cosmos aligned and the world delivered up a fantasy that you've carried around with you your whole life and you say you are compelled to love them by this fact, though what you're really saying is 'I love this high that I'm on right now.' How unromantic is that? I love you because I have to? And wouldn't it be just as easy to end up saying, 'I've fallen out of love with you because those feelings just aren't there anymore?' Isn't it a billion times more romantic to say, 'I love you because I choose to?' Because I have a choice in the matter? There are 6 billion other people in the world and I choose to love you. I'm aware that I could fall in love with at least a handful of people if put in the right circumstance, but who I want is you. I choose to love all of you...the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the annoying, the you that doesn't quite live up to my fantasy, but the you that I respect and adore, the you that is young and beautiful, the you that has wrinkles and a sagging belly, the you that makes mistakes, the you that doesn't always live up to my expectations, the you that causes me pain, the you that immediately tells me you're sorry, the you that leaves chunks of toothpaste in the sink, the you that zones out of our conversation when I really just want you to listen, the you that will never quite make enough money to satisfy my worldly desires, but the you that chooses me over anything else, the you that makes me want to be better than I already am, the you that isn't afraid to hold some of the burden I'm carrying, the you that will lift me up when I'm not sure how to go on, the you that enables me to reach higher and shoot for my dreams, the you that chooses to love me back and all of my idiosyncrasies. We're in love because we choose to be...on good days and on bad days. We are soul mates and we became soul mates, but not because we were compelled to be, but because we chose each other as our soul mates. And our love isn't selfish and solely based on the way it makes us feel or how incredibly hot I think he/she is, but on respect and admiration and a healthy view of what it means to take care of another person's needs over your own (read this book)....and how hot we are for each other :)" --joking aside, I don't remember what he actually said in this lecture, at least not verbatim, but this is, in my words, what he said and what I learned.

It makes a lot more sense how someone could let you go now, doesn't it? But, I thought he/she was my soul mate...I thought we were perfect...I thought they were everything I'd ever need...we felt the same way...we were so compatible...there was so much passion and love...I'm not sure how I can live without them...we finished each other's sentences...we wanted the same things...we talked about getting married....... Maybe all of that is true, but what it comes down to is they didn't choose you. And right then and there despite all of the heartache you feel you should ask yourself this very question and determine to see this situation differently---"Do I really want to be with someone who didn't choose me back? Do I really want to be with someone who doesn't love me back? Do I really want to be with someone who is okay with letting me walk away?" Sure, it hurts...you have a scar...I have a few, it's okay. But, stop yourself from being hung up over someone and the idea of being with someone who made a conscious choice to not have you in their life. It's sad, it's depressing, but it's true and you deserve more than that.

I'm not saying this person is a bad person, I don't know them, I can't determine that. Maybe they did the right thing. They know they can't love you the way you deserve to be loved. They know they can't be real with you. They know there is something more out there for them. And there is something more out there for you.

Final thought:
Despite my realist views on love, I am a deeply passionate person and I do believe in being in love. But I also believe in choosing to love someone, not just be "in love" with someone. It's that kind of love that holds you through bad times and helps you remember to put that person first. It's not a one time choice, it's a choice you make everyday...like when your hot secretary comes on to you or on the days when you let yourself wonder if there is something more. You won't always feel on cloud 9 so you have to build a reservoir to sustain you when those flighty love feelings wear off. There is something much deeper and much more beautiful beneath the surface and that's the kind of love that I want. And I believe I can find it, despite the fact that it baffles my mind how two people find each other and choose to love one another. Because I do believe it's a choice as I've stated 100x previous, so how do you find someone that will choose you back? I don't know...but for all of you out there who have found it, I commend you and hope that you don't waste any of your precious time and energy not recognizing what a beautiful phenomenon it is. I hope you cherish it and work for it and love every bitter and sweet moment of it.

I realized that this post is going to be really long. And since I have so many thoughts swirling, I will have to break this up into segments so I can fully say what I want to say. So much for cutting down on blogging.

Tune in for the next chapter: Are you in love with me, or the idea of me?