My Music


Monday, November 24, 2008

I'm grateful...

that I get to go home tomorrow....and see my family and spend time with them,
that it will be between 70-80 degrees while I'm there and I'll get to run outside and lay out by the pool...
that my mom bought the most amazing piano ever...the only thing I would part with our Steinway for and it will be sitting there waiting for me to play anytime I wish...and I'll get to test out my new songs on it.
that my brother is coming out from Denver so I get to see his family, too.  
that God is forgiving, and I always know my place with Him.
for being inspired lately.  
for the stage crew man that found us in our upper bowl seats 2 hours before Coldplay was to come on and moved us to the 3rd row. he is my hero.
for hope? as weird as that sounds...I would be a gonner if there wasn't such a thing. cause hope leads to change, and I've definitely encountered my need for that time to time..or always.
for the gifts I've been given. I just hope that I will get the chance to use all of them...because I really am grateful that I can do what I do....but the downside to that is the fear of never fully making your dreams come to fruition, or taking it for granted, forgetting where it came from and then losing it due to neglect.  I don't like the idea of not fully realizing your potential...or at least not trying your darndest to.
for sacrament talks about putting deer in sleeper-holds...keeps me awake at least.
for music...can't say enough about that.  it's probably all i think about...maybe not all, but it pretty much encompasses everything for me--work, school, friends, family, church, self, world, heaven, expression, love, loss...just everything. 
for my nephew...cause he reminds me of what happiness feels like.
for people who come into your life in the strangest or most unexpected ways and are able to share exactly what you needed from them or what they needed from you and though you never could have anticipated their arrival, in hindsight you can't imagine your life or that part of your life without them.
that the recording project is almost finished...or will be shortly...and I can just put it down and be done with it.  I hope it will turn out well...and maybe if I'm lucky it will turn out more than well...after all that worrying...that would be swell. (i didn't realize that rhymed til I read back over this--such a dork) I'll be working on it all break...when I'm not lounging by the pool, playing with my nephew or eating pumpkin pie---which let's face it, I will be doing a lot of that.  what??--all that beta-carotene has to be good for you:).
for Saturday/night and Laura and her incredible was amazing...I will post later about this.
what are you grateful for??
to be continued...

Thursday, November 20, 2008


                                   I can't wait to see him in one week! yay!

Nocturnal impressions...

I don't know what's wrong with me.  Because right 3:31 AM I feel like I could go start my day on top of the world...I'm starting to wind down, but just the fact that I don't wind down until several hours after midnight is a little strange...that if I go anywhere before noon I feel like I could possibly die.  But, apparently I have the genes of an owl...when it comes to internal clocks...and circadian rhythms...I have been trying to fix it...but it's so dang hard... how would you like it if the rest of the world woke up at 3am and went to bed at'd feel a little out of's like that all the time.  but, I do enjoy mornings...and afternoons... I feel like I've been missing out on them for years.     .....but 12am-6am I know all too well.

been thinking a lot lately...i've had a lot to say, but just haven't made the time to post...
tara brought up in her post today that I was my usual "calm, rational, optimist" self.  ha. sometimes I think I am the worst pessimist there is....but then, that may just be when it comes to my life.  And the advice on looking ahead too much or dwelling on the past...that was for me.  'cause I feel like I'm always missing today.  I have such big hopes and dreams for the future...but things don't just pop up in a day...and they happen in the "here and now" anyway.  Life happens in the moments.  It's great to have goals, but I feel like you reach them by what you do today...and you make memories by what you do today.  I'm always wanting to get ahead of myself, reaching for what's beyond my grasp...and then saddened by what didn't work out, or what I didn't do or how I wasted so much time on this or that..............and then immediately think of how I want to be where I'm not...................................thus, back and forth never in the moment.   I'll admit it.  Not a good philosophy.

I know this may be morbid, but the older I get the more I realize how short life is and how there's no time...and I think about dying...and I'm afraid it will come too soon.  I just don't want to wake up and realize I'm not in my "prime" anymore and I didn't do all those things I wanted to.  Actually I never want to wake up and realize I'm not in my prime...I just want to be moving and doing and never have enough time to think that I may be past my prime..I'll be past my prime when I'm long gone from this life...I'll still be in my prime when I'm 80.  I hope at least.

All I'm saying is....I think a lot of us at this age are thinking about this...and maybe it never ends...maybe my parents are thinking about it.  I'm just trying....trying my be more positive and happy and better to myself....mostly so I'm functioning...and also so I can help other people..which is important to me.  (I've used a lot of ....'s)

Being in SLC today with all of the city buildings and traffic and people and lights really started me itching to move to New York.  Deanna is applying to two schools in Manhattan, and Michelle is thinking of going to a photography school out there...and who knows what I would some experience...sit in Central Park with bums and pigeons...I don't even care.  I just need some culture in my life.  It's just something I want to in New York...while I can.  It kind of goes along with that living in the moment thing.

In other extra super sweet news...........

I'm going to the Coldplay concert on Saturday.  Deanna and I won tickets on a radio contest... and even better news....we get to go backstage and meet the band and get a private acoustic performance....jealous much?  I'll take a picture for will last longer:).

While we're on the topic of music..."Soon We'll Be Found" by Sia is like my favorite song right now...besides "Single Ladies"--if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it...that's always been my motto.

But, the one that is really speaking to me is Nikka Costa, "Someone For Everyone"...I can really relate to these lyrics:

where is my someone who'll always understand
the person who'd give everything just to take my hand
what if I never feel it, what if I never know
what if it just gets easier to spend this life alone

rolling with the punches hope my black and blue don't show
put the bright in my eyes so no one ever knows
how I feel on rainy days or what I'd do to have always
my hopes are almost suffocating but inside I know there's...

Someone for everyone

there's got to be more than just getting through the day
but I don't want to settle just to numb the pain away
I'm holding out for everything the obvious and in betweens
and some say pride lets heartache in but inside I know there's

Someone for everyone...

I sure hope so....I know I'm only 23...but I feel like I've been single for a LONG time. way too long. my time will come I we are back to the living in the moment dilemma.  okay moving on...

I wrote a song called Ready for Love...not to be confused with India.Arie's version which is possibly one of my most favorite songs ever...which I can also relate to..

my version 

Some people search the world for love
I know it's aimless just because,
I've been there time and time again,
singing a song that doesn't end

Careless and thoughtless I may be,
in other ways, but this I see,
You bring importance to our lives
You are extraordinary and I--

I would give all, all that I have
for you to stumble on my path
I want to please You, because I need You
tell me that I am ready for love

I've been around long enough to know,
many claim your name but it's just show
I don't need lights, glitter or shine
I just need you to say it's time

And I would give all, all that I have
for you to stumble on my path
I want to please You, because I need You
tell me that I am ready for love

Settle down over me, like morning dew..
or pour down like rain, but whatever you do
teach me your ways, show me your face
so when that day comes I'll know my place
And I will be ready, ready for love...

well, it's now I'm feeling a moral dilemma about being up this I shall sign off...until next time.

Lovesssss (as John would say)


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

the Truth will set you free...

I've been extremely hesitant to enter into any discussion about current politics because frankly any online debate or "comment war" on any website or forum I've been to seems a bit beneath me and honestly even beneath the subject matter.  I hate the notion that fighting for "tolerance" includes arguing, bickering, name-calling, hatred or any other negative reaction toward one another.  It seems like the biggest oxymoron there is: the biggest hypocritical sentiment in the world--"I hate you because you're intolerant".  I'm not quoting anybody directly, but the sentiment is there whenever you go to those places.  So frankly, I haven't gone and if I do happen upon such a discussion I find it better not to respond.  Even if I give the most objective, loving, open-minded opinion I know that I'm just chiming in on a bash war that I don't think anyone really has any intention of learning anything from or in having their eyes opened at all to the other side of the discussion.  
    Although there is a lot to discuss in the current/recently past election, I am mainly talking about the discussion on marriage and family and the propositions that have been passed to protect those institutions.  I just think that if two people sitting at their computers sending "you're a bigot", "you're a whoremonger" messages to each other were suddenly to drop dead and their spirits were shortly thereafter to meet in the next realm and they were to recognize themselves as the glorified beings they once were before coming to earth and experiencing the Fall and possibly to recognize one another as beings they one knew and loved, they wouldn't be continuing their discussion in heated fury.  I know I'd want to be embracing that person and not having to say, "I'm sorry I vandalized your sign" or "I'm sorry I called you all of those nasty things".  
    I don't think there is anything inherently wrong in having a difference of opinion and in voting based on your values whatever they may be.  I think you SHOULD take a stance for what you believe in.  But I think you also SHOULD be respected for that decision and ANY decision you make based on your values should come out of a place of love and acceptance for God's children and, for me, also a love of God and a desire to keep His commandments and be immovable in His kingdom (although I know that's not everyone's value system).  So to accuse each other of being "haters" or "ignorant" just seems to defeat one of the most important values which is to love one another.  I don't think God would be happy seeing His children hate each other in His name---whether you're voting for "equality" or "family".
Someone in my e-mail list sent me this link a few weeks ago and I found this video to be quite interesting.  Now, I can't say I stand completely behind the tone of this message.  Ideally, I would want it to sound a little more inviting, but these men speak about the difference between the civil rights movement and the gay rights movement.  I feel like they have more of a right to speak about it because they are all minorities when it comes to race, which I am not.  I mostly posting this for what Bishop G.A. Thompson of the Jubilee Christian Church in Boston, MA says at the end starting at about 3:35.  So if you don't care to hear all of it, I would just forward to there.  I don't know this person, but I feel like he says it like it is, and he seems like someone who is not a respecter of persons, who can find it in his heart to love all men and still call what is right right and what is wrong wrong.  Click here to view.

I often think about what Christ would be doing in this situation.  What would He be telling us, how would He have voted?  (Although I think if He were here in all His glory, we'd be looking to Him for leadership, not to someone else)  I don't understand the Christians whose sentiment is (roughly summarized)---I believe what the Bible says about loving one another more than what it says about homosexual sin so I'm going to go ahead and say that it's okay with me and it's okay with God for someone to live a homosexual lifestyle, because He loves all His children.  I understand this sentiment, partially because I would like to stand in the middle ground too and not deal with controversy from either side.  It's easier to be luke-warm isn't it?  I just don't get why the two ideas can't co-exist.  Why can't God have meant what he said about homosexual sin and meant what He said about loving all His children?   Why can't people see that this isn't or SHOULDN'T be about hating someone for the way they choose to live their life, but that it's about upholding a sacred institution that is essential for our exaltation and eternal joy.  I once heard in a religious talk, "it's unfortunate when people know enough about the gospel to feel the guilt, but not enough about it to feel the joy".   I don't think God's plan is to condemn us or to thrust us down to hell just for having carnal desires, but it's to uplift us and bring us to joy and salvation.  And I think if we look at it that way, we're not going to be hating anyone because of sin, we're hoping for redemption--for others and for ourselves.  
   When contemplating this issue of hating the sin, but not the sinner, I think of the story of the woman who was condemned before the council of men for having committed adultery and when she was brought before Christ He didn't condemn her or judge her, but told her to go and sin no more.  But He didn't say, I don't judge you...go and do whatever you please.  

There is so much more I could elaborate on this.  I just think we need to see it for what it is.  We need to do things out of love, and serve one another and remember that God isn't sitting up on his throne condemning us, but He's inviting us to come to Christ and be redeemed so we can be in His kingdom and He can give us all that He has.  He knows what will bring us the most joy and what will set us free.  I think if He wanted to condemn us and expected us to not sin, He wouldn't have sent his Son to die for us.  So of course He knows we're going to sin and of course He knows we will fail, but He's provided us with a way--Christ.

At the beginning of this election, I found myself pretty lukewarm on this issue.  I know what the Bible teaches, but I couldn't imagine taking away anyone's rights and how does it affect me anyway?  I have been searching for answers diligently since then.  And maybe my answers aren't the same as yours, but if you aren't sure how you feel about it, I would invite you to do the same.  I hope I don't offend anyone with this post...but then again, I'm just speaking from my heart from a very sincere and loving place and I don't think anyone can argue with that.

I read this quote by Neal A. Maxwell today, an apostle of the church who passed away about 4 years ago, before any of what is going on in our country was quite as relevant.  And yet, what he says is so spot on for today and how we are reacting as members of the church.

"Make no mistake about it, brothers and sisters, in the months and years ahead, events are likely to require each member to decide whether or not he will follow the First Presidency.  Members will find it more difficult to halt longer between two opinions.  President Marion G Romney said, many years ago, that he had 'never hesitated to follow the counsel of the Authorities of the Church even though it crossed my social, professional, or political life.'

This is hard doctrine, but it is particularly vital doctrine in a society which is becoming more wicked.  In short, brothers and sisters, not being ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ includes not being ashamed of the prophets of Jesus Christ... Your discipleship may see the time when such religious convictions are discounted...This new irreligious imperialism seeks to disallow certain opinions simply because those opinions grow out of religious conviction.

Resistance to abortion will be seen as primitive...Concern over the institution of the family will be viewed as untrendy and unenlightened...Before the ultimate victory of the forces of righteousness, some skirmishes will be lost.  Even in these, however, let us leave a record so that the choices are clear, letting others do as they will in the face of prophetic counsel.  There will also be times, happily, when a minor defeat seems probable, but others will step forward, having been rallied to rightness by what we do.  We will know the joy, on occasion, of having awakened a slumbering majority of the decent people of all races and creeds which was, till then, unconscious of itself.  Jesus said that when the fig trees put forth their leaves, 'summer is nigh.'  Thus warned that summer is upon us, let us not then complain of the heat."

--Elder Neal A. Maxwell

I hate that we as people are becoming so divided over this issue, but the prophets of old and new have told us it would happen.  I just hope that we can continue to love and support one another although we disagree.  

Thanks for indulging me with my thoughts,


Monday, November 3, 2008

more sunshine...

Here's another video I forgot to include.  He just discovered 'peek-a-boo', but he only covers one he can see what's going on of course.  Then for some reason he is pulling his hair.  I just think it's cute how he's trying to talk to me at the end.

This was over 4th of July...9 months old, teething and just learning to crawl.  They grow so fast. I love his breathing and the miscalculated depth perception on his first attempt at grabbing the chair.  Try, try again.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

A little bit of sunshine...

Nothing can win you over quite like the smile of a happy child.  Whenever I feel down, I look at pictures of my nephew Will and his happy little face and try to be uplifted by his bright little countenance.  Kinda strange to say a baby is your role model...but aren't they the best example of what joy and happiness is?? really. And...let's face it...he's the cutest thing ever.  Here are some pictures from when we all got to see each other at Mike Allen's wedding.

He loves his snacks.
Happy family:)
Can this kid possibly be any cooler?
"Say Mom" We were just talking about Will saying "dad" and how he hasn't said "mom" yet, and then he just started saying it.  In actuality, it was probably just baby gibberish...but it had impeccable timing.  I love how he can't sit still and also at the end when he's trying to get Michael's attention by grabbing his pant leg...I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I am too easily amused, and anything he does is like amazing to me. ha ha. funny how that works.