Epilogue to THAT post (August 26th)

This post is for Kylee...who wants more from my heart. And since I've had more things come to my mind since that last huge post...here is the epilogue. or addendum. whichever you like.

side note: I'm currently listening to "Slow Dancing In A Burning Room" from Live in Los Angeles. He is intoxicating my mind.

Item #21: Singing and playing all night for & with some of your favorite friends is a great pastime. I enjoy it greatly...especially when there is so much love in the room. It feeds me and I gush it back out through song. If that isn't enough...having someone gently playing with your hair while gushing out a song is...beyond describable...euphoric...I don't know if using the word "gushing" is turning you off...but it's turning me on...I mean I think it fits.

Item #22: You should all wish you were a Gemini.

-I enjoy stargazing and talking and good company so...my friend Dale and I went up to Rock Canyon Park to talk/stargaze/make-out...sans the make-out part...he wishes! :) j/k Dale...I'm crazy. So anyway...he pulled out his stargazing app on his phone (Google Sky Map) and we studied the sky. We both finally figured out how to find the little dipper...or the big dipper...now I can't even remember. Dale..help me out. We started looking for astrological signs...most of them actually look like what they are...except for Dale's...sorry dude...All you Libras out there...yours is a hoax..j/k it's not...but it is the only sign that is an inanimate object... and it took us a minute to figure out how the constellation was supposed to be a scale. Anyway, then we found mine slightly below the horizon...I'm a Gemini which is the "twin"..and it was cute...it looks like two people holding hands.....so I guess my love is written in the stars.

Item #23: Speaking of love, I have a lot of love in my life right now....it's overwhelming...but in a good way...the best way. I just have so many friends near and far that I love and I have just felt this outpouring of love back recently. I tend to carry good close friends around with me for a long time..it's just part of who I am...but it's just been in abundance lately. Although I am still single and have a deep well inside of my heart to give to someone, I feel almost completely filled to the brim and warm all around because of the wonderful friends and family I have in my life. This is a great place to be. It's also just great to know that despite being single and alone, you can have a completely satisfactory life full of love if you want...as you wait in anticipation for someone to share the rest of your heart with. If you are lonely or sad or depressed and you want more love in your life...I suggest reading this book: "A Heart Like His" by Virginia H. Pearce. I read it over a year ago when I was striving for and wanting change in my life. I wanted to open my heart back up...I wanted to have that abundance that I feel now. It was part of my process. It could be part of yours, too. I think the most important thing is to give love openly. My dad has this thing that he calls the "emotional bank account." We were encouraged to make "deposits" into each other's emotional bank accounts and were reprimanded when we made "withdrawals." I don't think that when you deposit your love into someone else's emotional bank account that your account starts to run dry. In fact, I think it's more like a high yield investment....with at least double the return. At least this is what I have found in my life. Now don't you wish you were blue like me???! ;) (see item #6--Aug 26th post)

Item #24: My favorite quote of the week: "Hey skinny!!! Anorexia looks good on you!!!!" -Gina Peterson...not because I promote eating disorders in any way, but because Gina is hilarious and outrageous and gives me some needed therapy from time to time. Also she is the mother of one of my favorite people in the world, Stacia.

As of the last time I weighed myself--I don't weigh myself a lot because the number on the scale isn't really the point--I have lost about 25 pounds since I moved home last year...15 pounds since January...doing it the old fashioned way...eating what I want in a healthy and moderate way (read intuitive eating!!!! it changed my life & helped me mend my relationship with food), working out and letting go of emotional baggage...which is really the key. I read something several months ago that said "it doesn't matter what you do, it matters how you think. If you think of yourself as a fat person, you'll always be a fat person...whether you skip out on the ice cream or not. If you think of yourself as a skinny person, you won't get there in a day, but you'll put out that intention into the universe and it will inevitably answer you...you get what you focus on...whether it's being fat or being skinny. This also applies to anything you want. So...I'm becoming who I want to be. And I have about as much as I've lost left to go. But don't freak out...this isn't about looking hot (though that is a positive side effect) or fitting into some mold of what people think you should be...this is about keeping your body strong and healthy and living life to the fullest and being who you want to be and being fully comfortable in your own skin. I want to prevent diabetes and alzheimers and heart disease. I want to be active. I want to be strong for when I have children. I have about 10 pounds til I'm back to what I call my "equilibrium" weight...or my healthy average weight....but...I want more for myself. And like I said, not in a I'm going to be anorexic way. I will know when it's enough. I will feel my best.

Also...I'm wearing pants I bought a year ago right now and they're really falling off...I'm wondering if they're going past the "I'm going for the baggy look" to the "I look like a 12 year old boy cause I have no curves in these and my crotch is sagging way too low for my own good look"....I think if I wear a belt they could maybe just be baggy. But I don't know. This is not a bad problem to have, I realize. Except that I have no money to replace my clothes right now. So, everyone go buy my EP when it comes out so I can replenish my wardrobe (when the time comes) and not look like a 12 year old boy. Thanks.

Item #25: Hunter Brady is a hilarious person and a really good friend of mine. He has intermittently been my back-bone, at least musically for about a year. He wouldn't take credit if I told him that. He has thoroughly supported me and encouraged me to get my music career going and is a big reason why this EP is actually happening. He helped inspire a song (with a musical hook that he came up with) that helped me to start writing from a more genuine place. It was also my sister who I went to for advice who said, "you need to write from your experience...you need to write what you know...it has to mean something to you." My songwriting has changed for the better ever since that moment. I wrote a few genuine songs before that, including "Enough" and "The Truth"..partly because I was compelled to with those songs, but now the formula just makes more sense to me. I don't fill in lyrics with what I think they "should" say or just what rhymes...worst idea ever by the way...you can always tell when people do that. I don't struggle as much with what a song should be about..I just dig deep inside, or sometimes it's already out there ready for me to grab. Lyrics used to be a lot harder for me to find. Almost everything I write now really matters to me...and in turn it matters to you.

Anyway, back to Hunter. We were recording the electric for my song "A Boy and A Girl" tonight and I told him he needed to get into the groove and so we started recording again and I'm paying attention to the levels and the computer screen and feeling the song to make sure he was in the groove, which he definitely was, when all of a sudden I look over and see him dancing around what little space is left in my room next to guitars and amps and keyboards, with his eyes closed, and then he gets up and stands on my bed like Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch, except he wasn't jumping up and down, just getting down with his groove and then gets back down and puts one leg up on the amp and starts rocking out that way all the while playing a steady, error-less groove. I couldn't believe he didn't mess up and I had to control my laughter since we were micing the amp and not recording direct. I guess that's how he gets his groove on and I will say it definitely worked. I hope he doesn't mind me telling this story. It was great.

Also...try not to stand on your own headphone cord when you get up or when trying to walk somewhere with your headphones on....just....a piece of advice for you.

Item #26: I'd like to speak about another friend now. Her name is Kylee. Let me tell you a little about Kylee and my background. I was born and spent my childhood in San Diego...she served her mission in San Diego. I moved to Oregon at age 11 and lived there til college...she moved to Oregon (on the other side of Portland from me) at age 9 and lived there til her senior year of high school. We both went to BYU. Because she's musical and thus meets lots of musical people, we know a ridiculous amount of the same people from our time at BYU....people that we both spent an insane amount of time with so...it's just crazy that we never met in this time period. Then she moved to Boston. Okay, I never moved to Boston. I almost went to college in Boston, though...I was seriously seriously on my way there when I got my acceptance letter into the BYU school of music and just knew (yes, it was as easy as that, don't hate me) that I was supposed to go there (and was somehow okay with it all of a sudden when I had fought going to BYU and being like every other typical Mormon who goes to BYU and gets married and lives in Provo forever, my ENTIRE life..mostly my entire teenage life...So I mourned Boston and then moved to Provo with no regrets.) But, I did go to Boston after my freshman year in college. I walked onto Berklee's campus, pondered the merit-based scholarship I received to go there, looked into one classroom and saw the amazing facilities...every student had a MAC/Pro-Tools/keyboard workstation...and I went to the Starbucks across the the street, stared out the window at the campus and just about cried. I loved it there (in Boston), though I've only been that one time and really only spent one full day in the city. It was a really great day. That place reminds me of Portland, but on the east coast...and a little bigger. Back to Kylee.

So, if that weren't enough, she just happens to choose to go to grad school in Arizona and move into a neighborhood literally 0.5 miles from my house. Somehow she met and got to know my friend, the aforementioned Hunter Brady (I actually don't know how they met.) She was also in a ward with several people including one of my only friends when I first moved here, Camille. We didn't initially meet through Camille, but now we have lots of mutual friends...and I find this to be just great. Needless to say one random day in January Hunter said, you need to meet these girls at this house....I am taking you there, grab your guitar...you're going to play for them....they're going to love you. Uhhh....okay.... So I went...and we played for them. And then we talked and discovered that she knew me from Noteworthy and that we knew a lot of the same people (we might've gone over there two times, I can't remember.) I went to her music night the next month and then didn't see her for a while. Somehow, because I'm lucky and we both love music and because people are brought into your life when you need them (I think), she's become an integral part of my life over the last few months.

If God makes all of us with some sort of chemical compound, a formula of intelligence and heart and talent and gifts and spirit, then I believe that Kylee and I started with the same base. She is extremely intuitive (as am I), she has many gifts which I think are really beyond comprehension for some people...She has been through some difficult challenges in life that also contribute to her ability to have empathy for people, and to know how to help them, and help carry their heavy load. She draws people to her who have problems (as do I), because they see relief in her. I am not her and I don't know where she's coming from completely, but I do know somewhat. I'm really in tune with the energy that people carry around with them and I have the ability to know when something is wrong without that person really having to say anything. I can read what someone's problem is before they've told me. I tend to absorb some of the pain or anxiety that people have so they tend to be drawn to that. Some people are okay sucking the life out of you though....so I've had to learn. I've had to learn a lot about healthy boundaries and how to not let this ability shut me down physically and about how this gift isn't a curse. It's the reason I can write and you can understand. It's the reason I can love deeply. It's the reason I can make music that appeals universally. It's a big reason why I am who I am. But like with every gift, you have to learn how to use it and how to harness it for good. I admire Kylee because she has chosen to take these gifts that she has and better the world with them through helping people. She has chosen social work for her career and this I also admire. Though it is a likely career path based on my personality type, I don't know that I have the strength to enter this field. She is definitely stronger than me in many ways. She is a beacon of light to those around her. She will "make your dreams come true" if she can and she won't ask for anything in return. The thing is, we have gotten to know each other better in the last month and we have had many heart to hearts and long talks into the night, but we don't even know each other that well...like I didn't tell her my "life story" or a reader's digest version of it until last weekend...yet, I do know her. Sometimes you just meet people and it doesn't take any time, you just already are friends and you see that person for who they are. I think she is incredible and amazing and beautiful and talented and I admire the choices she has made in her life and the way she's dealt with difficulty and tragedy and loss and her drive to inspire and help people around her. So this post is for you, Kylee. You are amazing. In so many ways. I will return the favor and make your dreams come true in any way that I can. I already told you this, but I'm glad you are my friend and that after years of circling each other through life that God finally decided to put you on my path.

Item #28: This is to the attractive red-headed male BYU track team runner at the Cache-Teton Epic relay two weeks ago. I don't remember your name...but you volunteered at exchange 6 and stretched right in front of me and made sure I saw your infinity-pack abs...and you asked me for a smaller sized shirt even though the one I gave you was already pretty small...and when you asked if there were other sizes I assumed you wanted a bigger size...and then you caught my attention at Bergy's as we were on our way out and you asked me if a boy wanted me to watch "West Side Story" with him, would I? And I mocked the way you lifted your eyebrows suggestively with each syllable of your question as I said, "depends on how much I like the guy." And then the rest of your middle-aged probably already married team laughed and shouted "he wants to watch it with you!" as I walked out the door. I'm sorry...it really didn't occur to me that you would be remotely interested in me or my appearance after a really LONG day of volunteering and working out in the sun and wearing scruffy jeans and my race organizer shirt and my hair up in a messy bun with a head band on because I didn't get to shower that morning because my alarm went off late (see item #3.) And then I found out you actually did rent "West Side Story" at the store in Grace, ID because it was the only movie they had on the shelf and you actually did watch it. I'm not saying it would've ever worked between us...you being probably too into your rock hard abs and me too into my peanut M&Ms that assisted me in staying awake at exchange 30 the next morning...but...all I'm saying is... There's a place for us, Somewhere.

Item #29: My friend posted on facebook yesterday that she had an entire costco bag of powdered sugar break open and drench her while trying to move apartments. She wasn't happy about this, but I thought it was awesome. I mean, how often do you get to be drenched in powdered sugar? I mean...wouldn't that be a cool sensation? And it's not like that's something that's going to happen to you every day...or ever. So how lucky is she? It's like the lady on Patch Adams who wanted to swim in noodles. All I'm saying is, there's nothing you can do about it but enjoy it. Also I would like to swim in the chocolate river on Willy Wonka, but not be sucked into a tube. What are your weird food (or otherwise) fantasies????

Item #30: I hate to go out on an odd number. So...I will go out saying that if you have a twitter account, you should follow Ingrid Michaelson (and me!)...I don't care if you like her music or not. She is hilarious.

Recent tweets include: "Oh South Park, if I could spread you on a bagel and digest you and feed off of your glory, I would. I am tired."

And,

"The real housewives of NJ reunion show is on! So much tan skin! So much anger!"

I think that in some other life, Ingrid and Sara B and I were all best friends... If I am ever cool enough some day maybe if I hope and pray and wish maybe just maybe I will get to work with them and maybe sing with them and go on a Hotel Cafe tour or a sweet awesome female/singer-songwriter/pianists with sass tour...this my fantasy...and then we will become best friends and hang out all the time. The three of us. It's just my dream.

The end. Goodnight, or good day or good morning wherever you are.

Catherine

Random great news...

I just finished editing "Stayin' Alive" for Noteworthy....it is hot. I'm glad to have this off my list.

Secondly, I just got this text from my brother. I have said this on more than one occasion, but my nephew is one of the coolest people I've ever met....he's 2. I want to be him. Not really, but he's a rockstar. He's a little adult in a 2 year old's body...The first time you meet him he will probably say, "What's up?!" to you or, "Cool shoes!"--especially if they're Nike's. I have also said on more than one occasion that I hope my kids are as cool and crazy as him and that I can possibly love them just as much....which I'm sure I will love them plenty & more. But...I just can't fathom it because my love is so great for little Will and Ella.

This was the text:

"Will turned 15 yesterday and decided to sleep in until 10 this morning and Kristi and I had to wake him up. Then he ate some captain crunch with crunch berries and decided to name them crunch balls. While eating he looked up at Kristi and said mommy you are sooo beautiful and Ella is sooo beautiful. Then he randomly said I love grandma sooo much. A little later I told him we were going to watch the BYU football game next Saturday and he said yep with Kristin and Catherine and grandma and grandpa. I told him probably just Kristin for this one. He's been really funny today."

I love my family. I wish I had some crunch balls.

This is that post.

So... I have an insane amount of things on my list right now and in no way does blogging remotely make a priority, but here's the thing...I've had this post floating around my head for the past two weeks and I have this idea that if I write--because blogging has somehow become my new journaling, from which you all benefit from (not really), in a very public setting--that...somehow this will reduce my anxiety and the amount of things floating around in my head. (holyrunonsentence) But, that of course is my irrational rationalization. So I'm sitting here in procrastination station, at 11 PM eating a veggie burger because I haven't had an appetite for about a week and I only ate a bowl of kashi and a string cheese (oh and some really yummy ice cream), which is obviously as balanced a diet as you can get....I thought I might benefit from some mild nutrition...ketchup included in that.

I just got back from a good friend of mine's house-->I know that's not grammatically correct, but what are ya gonna do. I just got back from her house...where the conversation was great, as always...and now I'm thinking...so here are my thoughts. Unadulterated and unconfined.

Thoughts, Observations and Musings On The Last 15 days, 12 hours, and 8 minutes.

*now playing: In Your Atmosphere (Live), John Mayer // "I'm gonna steer clear, burn up in your atmosphere, cause I'd die if I saw you, I'd die if I didn't see you there.... Wherever I go, whatever I do, I wonder where I am in my relationship to you. Wherever you go, wherever you are, I watch your life play out in pictures from afar."

Item #1: This may be the most important lesson you learn from this entire post. (As if I am a well of knowledge..) NEVER LOSE YOUR CAR KEYS IN JACKSON HOLE, WY. In fact, don't lose anything in Jackson Hole, WY that can't be replaced at Albertsons or Maverick or a ritsy, over-priced souvenir/tourist shop. If you lose your cowboy hat or boots, you're golden. They have those there...plenty of them. Just don't lose your car keys.

Item #2: Alarm clocks are sometimes possessed by the devil. Sometimes they go off on the morning you're supposed to be somewhere at 7am at 6:36am and they will say that it's 5:00AM--the time that you set for them to go off---but they're lying...piece of crap. You'll then have your friend set her alarm the next day so you have a fail-safe... and the devil will take over her alarm and it won't go off at 5:30AM like it's supposed to. Why in the world are we getting up so early? Damnation...this must be the devil's wake up time.

*nowplaying Mmm, Laura Izibor // "You're my light in the dark, guiding me home. Your faith in me is all I need. Baby, your love it sets me free."

Item #3: If you go to an antique store and you have an affinity for all things old, vintage, recycled, timeless, one of a kind, etc etc you will probably spend way too much money. You might find some awesome vintage bells--like this--and be compelled to purchase them and then record them and put them on your new record and then listen to your new record over and over cause it's just so dang cute. Also, these are much harder to play than you would think. But, I'm a perfectionist.

Item #4: Mouth Off Show is just great for road trips...like really great--->www.mouthoffshow.com---ever since the August 8th episode I find every opportunity I can to use the word "amaze-balls". Yes, Christopher. Yes.

Item #5: Southern/Eastern Idaho is kind of ugly...everything seems to be a "light tan" color. "My favorite color is light tan"...anyway... But, the Tetons are beautiful. I don't really ski, but I would definitely stay in a secluded lodge at the foot of those mountains with an attractive male that was hopefully related to me by...marriage and have..fun.

*nowplaying White Daisy Passing, Rocky Votolato // "I'm going down to sleep on the bottom of the ocean. Cause I couldn't let go, and the water hit the setting sun."

Item #6: If you lose your car keys, don't drive back to Salt Lake with the rest of your party and leave your car in Jackson Hole, WY. Don't assume the dealership will be able to make you new keys without your car at the dealership. Don't assume that AAA will tow your car when you're not at your car. Don't assume they won't either, because after 5 hours of driving to my car, I passed the tow truck on the road 2 miles from my destination. Don't assume that AAA will get your car to the dealership 70 miles away before the key people leave. Do assume that you may need to find some distant relative in the area to stay with for the night. Cozy in, enjoy the ride.

Needless to say, this was a fiasco. First surprise, anxiousness, frustration, a doubting hope and helplessness set in. Then, disappointment, more frustration, more helplessness, loss, shame and anxiety joined the party. Like a recipe for heartbreak, a pinch of this, a tsp of that, they welled up into a tight ball in my chest. On the drive back to Salt Lake--the first time--in someone else's car, in the dark, I put my ipod earbuds in and looked up at the bright half-moon above the tree-studded mountainside and as the opening strings to Matt Morris's "Bloodline" played that ball worked its way up and melted into warm tears on my face. I can't explain everything, like why this felt like heartbreak. But, things happen and sometimes you have feelings about it (and when you're blue like me, you feel everything.) I believe in a good cry every now and then. I believe in processing your feelings instead of letting that ball turn to stone and crush your insides. That sounds painful.

For some reason, as odd as it sounds, looking up at that moon, that bright light on an otherwise dark night (figuratively and literally) I pondered how God is sometimes compared to the light of the sun. I remembered that He is up there watching down on me. That little light, a reflection of the sun on the other side of the earth, was a gentle, "hello, I am here. and I know where you are right now." More tears ensued.

*nowplaying Let It Be Me, Ray LaMontagne // "there may come a time you just can't seem to find your place. for every door you open, seems like you get two slammed in your face. that's when you need someone, someone that you can call. when all your faith is gone, it feels like you can't go on. Let it be me. If it's a friend you need, let it be me."

Item #7: If you let yourself get too tired, you can pretty much kick Rational to the curb and invite Emotional right in. This also contributed to Item #6.

Item #8: If you think you're gonna die because you're falling asleep at the wheel because you're in the middle of nowhere in Idaho and you've been up for 18 hours and you got 2 hours of sleep the night before and there is nothing visually stimulating where you are because there is NOTHING where you are (except for cows) and you're the only one who knows how to drive a stick shift in this scenario, ask the person in the car with you what their wildest dreams are. You will probably be completely surprised at the response, have an engaging conversation and learn all about acrobatic pilot licenses.

*nowplaying I Could Hold You In My Arms // Ray LaMontagne "I could hold you in my arms. I could hold on forever. "

Item #9: September is going to be a great month. I'm finishing up two albums sandwiched by two concerts that I'm stoked about. And lest we forget my favorite non-holiday, the day referred to in one of my favorite songs of all time--Earth, Wind & Fire "September"--do you remember the 21st night of September? Yeah...it's a special day for me. But, since we've just been listening to Ray LaMontagne I will just mention that I am going to see him one week from today! I was about to buy a ticket and just go by myself, but then I found a friend here who likes his music, too! How fortunate. It's gonna be amazing. I will say it helps that I will be in good company. I believe good company improves an already good situation by at least 86.4%. That's a mathematical certainty.... I'm also going to see Sara Bareilles on the 30th with more great friends. So...I'mnotmadaboutthatatall.

Item #10: If you start to get sick--the kind of sick where you feel it start to work its way into your sinuses and chest and throat, the kind of sick that has to run its course for at least a week or two--take two doses of Nyquil back to back and sleep as much as you can. Follow this up with large amounts of orange juice and vitamin C. You may lose a day, but better than two weeks. I was shocked to find that I was almost completely better the next day. But, then my sickness was probably brought on by exhaustion instead of infection. I think Epic Relays is trying to kill me. But I love them...them being my brother and Rob and Nick and the Epic Relays team. So...I can't hate.

*nowplaying: Brooklyn Blurs, The Paper Raincoat "I am the breeze in this still August air, I can't believe that I'm still standing here. I am a ghost to everyone I know. The stars stand still above, while Brooklyn blurs below."

Item #11: If you sit in hay, you will get stickers in your butt. If you're lucky, you'll be with a friend who is more than willing to drop their pants right there to get them off. You may get some hay leftover in your under-garments--i.e. your bra. And it may bother you. And you may try to remedy this irritation. And someone may notice and ask you about it and you may tell them you were rolling in hay. And then it might get awkward.

Item #12: People in Chubbock, Idaho are really nice...like really nice. Tracey at the Honda dealership in Idaho Falls was extremely helpful also. I appreciate congeniality.

Item #13: If you're trying to do a photo shoot in a remote location in the foothills of Provo and there is absolutely no parking for miles because the Provo parking police are the new Third Reich, just send your pregnant photographer friend up the long driveway to the house waiving the American flag (important detail, don't forget) and have her ask them if you can occupy a corner of their driveway for about an hour. They will probably be really nice and completely fine with this. It pays to hire a pregnant woman. I don't even know what that means.

*nowplaying: Motion Sickness, The Paper Raincoat "It just takes some getting used to, is all."

Item #14: Phone calls from your dad when you're once again in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming/Idaho can be quite insightful...dads have the best advice in the middle of an unfortunate mess: "Well, enjoy the journey." Thanks Dad...I'll remember that. The things is....that's all you can do....enjoy it or not. I'd rather the first.

Item #15: If you are an extremely lucky person you will have a friend named Dale Baker who will drive 13.5 hours in a pointless circle just to make sure you get home. Thank you, Dale. You know it's nothing new, bad news never had good timing. Then, the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining. Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good.

Item #16: John Mayer also makes an excellent road companion. "Edge of Desire"---that bridge/instrumental break/build-up is just...sexy.

Item #17: Going on a run under an orange/pink sky at the end of a really long day of driving in 70 degree weather will solve 98% of your problems for the moment. Following this up with a bubble bath really doesn't hurt. I believe in a healthy dose of sensuality every once in a while (sensuality is not a dirty word...or it doesn't need to be) I also believe in soft skin.

-I had a slight revelation on this run. Sometimes, usually, if I really feel like kicking my butt, I will hear Jillian Michaels in my head toward the end of my run. My subconscious conjures her up and she yells at me...this is extremely motivating. She usually says, "Is that all you got?!?!" and I speak back to her in my mind...yes...I talk to myself and I say, "NO!!!" and I run harder.

This time was different. I had a thought come to my head, much like lyrics come when they come in full sentences or like a quote that is suddenly recalled to your memory. The thought was, "Run like life is propelling you forward (or like you are propelling it forward), not like it is weighing you down." I suddenly felt lighter and pushed harder than I thought I could. It became much easier to run in fact. I try to run with this mentality now. I think it's a good life principle though. Whether running, or just living. Propel forward, push forward, don't just hang in there and let your emotional backpack weigh you down. You can do it.

*nowplaying A Little Opera Goes A Long Way, Sky Sailing // "Pretend you're not alone, like you are center stage on Broadway. Cause when you're on your own, a little opera goes a long way."

Item #18: I had nothing to do all alone in Pocatello, ID the night before I finally got my car back. So I watched a DVD on Thomas S. Monson. I want to be more like him.

Item #19: I'm not complaining. Just putting that out there first. Boys have talent crushes on me. It happens. I'm just saying that I understand this lyric all too well: it's clear this conversation ain't doing a thing, cause these boys only listen to me when I sing--Sara Bareilles Putting yourself out there is hard. The pay off can mean the best thing that ever happened to you OR on the other end it can mean feeling vulnerable, disappointed and slightly broken--that is if you're blue like me. I wish the yellow in me applied to getting over someone. Why is it that sometimes (most of the time) people aren't on the same page? Once again, I'm not complaining. Maybe just musing on the reason for things. I'm sure there is a purpose in everything. I'm sure some of us are guarded for a time if it means becoming the person you need to be...if it means preparing to meet someone extremely important in your life... I don't know how to analyze my life up until now and the reasons for everything...cause I'm still in the process. But, I do know that I lost myself for a while. For various reasons. It was the boy that shattered my heart. It was the disconnect I then experienced with my heart and my body and my soul. It was the false beliefs from childhood that I never questioned that I needed to let go of. It was the lack of direction in my career. It was my lack of faith. It was the friend that chose to deceive. It was the illness that almost overtook my mom. It was the accident that almost took my sister. It was the barrier that I put up to keep that boy away and others who might also try to destroy my heart. But I chose to learn...if I can say anything for myself. I don't believe in wasted time... I believe in becoming better than you were. I believe in making the most out of every situation. I don't settle for mediocrity especially when it comes to my happiness and the goals I want to reach in life. It saddens me to see people who do. At the very least if you are struggling, or when I am struggling, I hold on to the fact that I will not allow myself to stay stagnant. Sometimes it feels that way for a while, but eventually you break through and you find yourself again. But...when it comes down to it, at the end of the day..it's a choice. This book was insightful for me during this process: Finding Peace, Joy and Happiness by Richard G. Scott. "The challenges we face, the growth experiences we encounter, should be like temporary scenes played out on the stage of continuing peace and happiness." "Your perspective is vital to your happiness. Some, blind to the bountiful opportunities around them, live lives of sadness and despair with brief moments of joy. Be alive to the abundant potential that surrounds you so that you live a life of peace and happiness with periods of challenging growth. Learn from inspiring individuals who have come to peace with their challenges and therefore live to find joy amid adversity."

I can't say if this is the reason that boys only listen to me when I sing...that I lost myself...so how would anyone else be able to find me, the real me. I don't recognize that person tagged in facebook photos over the past few years. I know it's me...but it wasn't me. I found myself again... The better me. And I have so much more to give now than I ever did. It's just the truth. That's all.

*nowplaying: we have now listened to 6 songs while I was typing that...For the Widows in Paradise, Sufjan Stevens; Dig With Me, Allie Moss; Corner, Allie Moss; Keep Breathing, Ingrid Michaelson; Someone For Everyone, Nikka Costa; Addiction Song, Jarrett Burns

now we're listening to The Hardest Part/Postcards from Far Away, Coldplay // "the hardest part was letting go, not taking part. you really broke my heart. and I tried to sing but I couldn't think of anything. that was the strangest start. I can feel it go down. You left the sweetest taste in my mouth. No silver lining in the cloud. Oh but I, oh yes I wonder what it's all about."

Item #20: I love new friends. I love new friends that feel like old friends. I'm excited about the future. I have a lot to focus on in the new couple of weeks. I'm wondering why I have a knot in my left shoulder and my muscles won't relax so I can sleep and food doesn't sound good and all I really want in my life right now is for my dream to come true and for John Mayer to really hold me all night and sing me to sleep. Come on John, I know you're on tour but...it's just one night. And then I realized that though I've been through the Noteworthy album production thing before--twice--this is a little more monumental...people have actually heard of us now. Some of these songs were sung on national TV. The exposure is awesome and it's really cool that ideas that came from my own head can be heard all over the country. But, it puts a little more pressure to be even more amazing. And then there was that one time I decided to actually put out, in a professional setting, my own songs that I wrote, that I arranged that I produced, that I played, that I sang...with my name on it...for anyone to have and judge and hopefully love but maybe hate. And it's my first real endeavor at this. And it's been a long, sometimes drudgerous (is that a word?) experience. And for the most part I would say it's been a lonely experience. And maybe that's for the best. Maybe that's what it should be. It's just really challenging playing the role of artist and producer and engineer and business manager and doing it all really for the first time on my own. And I think I'm just putting pressure on myself to be extraordinary right now. It's funny how you worry about something that inside you know you can do. So...body...if we could repair this sitch and you could just trust me...that would be great. I would like to sleep. And eat. But if not, at least the pay off will be that in two weeks I will go to San Jose and in three weeks I will walk away with the masters to two albums. And I will probably cry with joy. That will be a good feeling. I am looking forward to it.

So...that was a really long post. I will be amazed if anyone read it. If you did...drop me a line...I will make you cookies or give you several open-mouth kisses...j/k, but wouldn't that be "amaze-balls"??....Christopher (Mouth Off Show) understands me...okay it's just getting late now.

Until my next travels. Let's hope they're really mundane and meaningless.

Catherine

*nowplaying Here Comes the Flood, Peter Gabriel // "lord here comes the flood, we'll say goodbye to flesh and blood. If again the seas are silent and any still alive. It'll be those who gave their island to survive. Drink up dreamers, you're running dry."

I had a dream....

That I was sick (which is a true statement...I felt like crap last night) and John Mayer held me all night and sang to me my favorite songs (of his.) It was a cruel reality to wake up to the alternative, however, I am not complaining. Though not real, it was amazing.

On a side note, Deanna just told me on skype that I type like a "demon" and it sounds like the aliens on Signs cause she can't see me. She is amazing.

Also I've only had two doses of Nyquil and two huge glasses of orange juice in the last 18 hours. My stomach hates me.

The end. I would like to go snooze about John Mayer again. Hasta.

Catherine

late night nostalgia

I promised a post about my recent trip but this is not that post.

A few weeks ago I decided to experiment with facebook to see how far back my life is archived on there. I got tired of hitting "Older posts" or whatever after around 2006. So many good memories, quotes, friends, places and old adventures were recalled to my memory. I found this post by a one Buck Mangum. It made my day...for the second time. It's nice to know when someone really sees you & who you are.

Catherine,



You know when you meet someone, but unbeknownst to you there's this whole OTHER - DEEPER someone inside full of mystery and intrigue - well, basically full of a life full of experience and heartache and joy. You are that person.

 That's why you're such an amazing person / songwriter / musician / leader / example for so many.

Thanks Buck...it takes one to know one, kid.

I'm getting married....

Many of you will be shocked and excited to know that....finally....after all these years....I've fallen in love.

And after a relatively short courtship, I'm getting married. To this song. We've fallen in love and we're going to move into a little cabin in some backwoods/coastal town in northern california and make beautiful...music. and we're really happy and we hope we win a lot of money, but we won't use it to buy new things, only old things that are moderately expensive now and then we'll donate the rest to the local YMCA and children's hospital and we'll pass the time drinking tea and knitting quilts for children in Africa and eating at the local diner and taking long walks on the beach and chopping wood to put in our little fireplace and sitting on the rug staring into each other's....eyes...cause there's nothing that could possibly make us happier so there's nothing else to do now but make it official before the state court. I'm just waiting for California to recognize our love as equal and protected under the same laws as other married......people. I mean, if it's love why can't it be marriage?

okay, this post wasn't meant to be political. But really I am obsessed with this song. I may have put it on my favorite playlist and I may get up from what I'm doing to go start it over when it's done, and I may put it on "repeat one" on itunes and listen to it over and over and then put it in my car stereo and do the same thing. No bigs.

The official video is a little gloomy. So if/when you listen to this...close your eyes and picture me discovering it for the first time (courtesy of Ms.--extraordinarily awesome friend of America--Kim Henne) on the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway), coming through the tail end of the little coastal town of Encinitas, complete with palm trees above, farmers markets, vintage clothing stores, people riding beach cruisers and surfers walking with their boards after catching the morning waves....then coming over the hill into Carlsbad where I was enveloped in salty, cool air as the ocean finally revealed itself in its quiet glory....fuzzy blue clouds above, golden lining on the horizon, frothy waves hitting the shore and that feeling like everything in this moment is perfect and everything is going to be just fine.

Of course I quickly texted Kim asking, where did you get this song? She said it was on a "new hippie" playlist...to which I responded: Perfect.

We're in love....until I fall in love again. with a new song. but don't worry fleet floxes...i love you for the memories, so I'll come back again :).



Here's a cute little cover. I don't own any of this girl's music, but she has an album out and if you like Colbie Caillat, you may like her music, too. Mostly I'm impressed with their ingenious use of the steamer as a tambourine. I might steal that idea.





I feel like I've been away for so long. There is a blog post whirling in my head about my travels, mishaps, blunders and eventual redemption. Coming soon.

Sometimes....

Sometimes friends subtly depart from your life and you don't hear from them for 2 years and you wonder on occasion what happened. You think about them often, nostalgia sets in and there's a slight ache in your heart where their friendship once took place. You try to reach them but they are morally opposed to social networking sites and you're not sure they have the same phone number. Then you buy an album and reminisce a period in your life when they played a pivotal part. And then in the middle of you pondering their departure, they appear, and your heart swells with inconceivable joy..... I know you hate mushy....but I've missed you Ashkan Memarian. I appreciate your friendship and thank goodness for 202 or else "we wouldn't be friends." So many good memories. I love you...let's be friends...again.

Catherine

Cry Baby Cry

Some of you may have heard, I'm making an EP. Some of you may not believe me, because it's taking so dang long. But it's going to happen...it's happening. Really. I thought I might reveal some of the songs that I'm putting on it as it gets closer to release. As of right now the plan is 7 songs. That is more than a typical EP...so...that's why it's not definite. But, I have so many songs and I'm writing more as we speak that I just want to get them out there. So you can hold them and cradle them and love them and snuggle them like all good music babies should be loved. ha. Anyway... There are 6 original songs and one cover. If you know me at all you probably already know what that cover is. I've been singing it for almost 10 years now....wow...really? Almost....okay actually only 7? 8? But that's closer to 10 than to...1...okay I'm rambling.

Here is the first song...not the first track, but the first one I am sharing to you now. It's called "Cry Baby Cry", not to be confused with "Cry Baby" that awesomely awful Johnny Depp movie/musical from 1990. Don't hate..I love Johnny Depp with a fiery passion. But it's even weird for Johnny...he's hot. Okay back to the song. Geez...I'm having ADD.

(http://paintinginwatercolor.blogspot.com/)

Cry Baby Cry

cry baby cry
you're walking on your own
live, love or die
trying to find a home
running away
why don't you stay
here where it's safe
inside

cry baby bird
afraid to leave the nest
haven't you heard
it's better to face the mess
here comes the cold
will creep in your bones
then you will know
which is worse

oh we gotta learn
the cold still burns
so keep me burning
in loveless yearning
ah ah ah ah
ah ah ah ah

fly baby fly
nothing can hurt you now
why don't you try
something will come around
love comes and goes
and heaven knows
it's worth your while
just give it time
and you will find
you'll find your way
if not right now
you'll learn someday
that what you do
comes back to you
and then you'll see
what you can be
you can fly

lyrics by Catherine Papworth
music by Catherine Papworth & Hunter Brady

All alone on a Friday night...

All alone, Friday night, Red Box, Remember Me. Beautifully rich story. I'm not sure how I feel about it, except for heartbroken. It did inspire me to re-purchase a favorite album that I lost to my old dead computer--Sigur Ros "Takk". taking me back in time, junior year in college. I was heartbroken then, too. But for different reasons. This whole album is just heartbreakingly beautiful. I don't really know where that phrase comes from, but it's the perfect descriptor.


This song was always my favorite. And it's the one they used in the movie. The strings at the end...I don't have words. And apparently you can download it for free. What are you waiting for?


Wait a sec...for some reason that version is higher than the original. This one's not free, but in the correct key.

Sara B...Oh my.

I am so incredibly excited for this album to come out, I could pee my pants...I did pee my pants...No, just a little...Okay not at all...but I'm peeing my pants in my mind...doyouknowudimsayin? Okay anyway...you get that I'm excited and there's pee involved in some way. Exciterrhea.....as my brother would say. Whoa..this post went downhill fast.

Let me make up for it with this...

Sara has been posting webisodes of the making of her album. This is like me...working on my EP. This is what I do...except for not in a really fancy nice recording studio with an engineer and producer and it's just me in my bedroom on my Macbook and I'm the engineer and the producer and the artist, so it's kinda like me, but not really, but sort of, but definitely cooler, but kind of like me, it's about the same actually, but different, but same.

Watch this video and see if you pee, too. Hopefully not. But hopefully.

Album is due out September 7th!!!