Nocturnal impressions...

I don't know what's wrong with me.  Because right now...at 3:31 AM I feel like I could go start my day on top of the world...I'm starting to wind down, but just the fact that I don't wind down until several hours after midnight is a little strange...that if I go anywhere before noon I feel like I could possibly die.  But, apparently I have the genes of an owl...when it comes to internal clocks...and circadian rhythms...I have been trying to fix it...but it's so dang hard... how would you like it if the rest of the world woke up at 3am and went to bed at 6pm...you'd feel a little out of sorts...it's like that all the time.  but, I do enjoy mornings...and afternoons... I feel like I've been missing out on them for years.     .....but 12am-6am I know all too well.

been thinking a lot lately...i've had a lot to say, but just haven't made the time to post...

tara brought up in her post today that I was my usual "calm, rational, optimist" self.  ha. sometimes I think I am the worst pessimist there is....but then, that may just be when it comes to my life.  And the advice on looking ahead too much or dwelling on the past...that was for me.  'cause I feel like I'm always missing today.  I have such big hopes and dreams for the future...but things don't just pop up in a day...and they happen in the "here and now" anyway.  Life happens in the moments.  It's great to have goals, but I feel like you reach them by what you do today...and you make memories by what you do today.  I'm always wanting to get ahead of myself, reaching for what's beyond my grasp...and then saddened by what didn't work out, or what I didn't do or how I wasted so much time on this or that..............and then immediately think of how I want to be where I'm not...................................thus, back and forth never in the moment.   I'll admit it.  Not a good philosophy.

I know this may be morbid, but the older I get the more I realize how short life is and how there's no time...and I think about dying...and I'm afraid it will come too soon.  I just don't want to wake up and realize I'm not in my "prime" anymore and I didn't do all those things I wanted to.  Actually I never want to wake up and realize I'm not in my prime...I just want to be moving and doing and never have enough time to think that I may be past my prime..I'll be past my prime when I'm long gone from this life...I'll still be in my prime when I'm 80.  I hope at least.

All I'm saying is....I think a lot of us at this age are thinking about this...and maybe it never ends...maybe my parents are thinking about it.  I'm just trying....trying my darndest...to be more positive and happy and better to myself....mostly so I'm functioning...and also so I can help other people..which is important to me.  (I've used a lot of ....'s)

Being in SLC today with all of the city buildings and traffic and people and lights really started me itching to move to New York.  Deanna is applying to two schools in Manhattan, and Michelle is thinking of going to a photography school out there...and who knows what I would do...work...get some experience...sit in Central Park with bums and pigeons...I don't even care.  I just need some culture in my life.  It's just something I want to do...live in New York...while I can.  It kind of goes along with that living in the moment thing.

In other extra super sweet news...........

I'm going to the Coldplay concert on Saturday.  Deanna and I won tickets on a radio contest... and even better news....we get to go backstage and meet the band and get a private acoustic performance....jealous much?  I'll take a picture for you...it will last longer:).

While we're on the topic of music..."Soon We'll Be Found" by Sia is like my favorite song right now...besides "Single Ladies"--if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it...that's always been my motto.

But, the one that is really speaking to me is Nikka Costa, "Someone For Everyone"...I can really relate to these lyrics:

where is my someone who'll always understand

the person who'd give everything just to take my hand

what if I never feel it, what if I never know

what if it just gets easier to spend this life alone

rolling with the punches hope my black and blue don't show

put the bright in my eyes so no one ever knows

how I feel on rainy days or what I'd do to have always

my hopes are almost suffocating but inside I know there's...

Someone for everyone

there's got to be more than just getting through the day

but I don't want to settle just to numb the pain away

I'm holding out for everything the obvious and in betweens

and some say pride lets heartache in but inside I know there's

Someone for everyone...

I sure hope so....I know I'm only 23...but I feel like I've been single for a LONG time. way too long. my time will come I guess...here we are back to the living in the moment dilemma.  okay moving on...

I wrote a song called Ready for Love...not to be confused with India.Arie's version which is possibly one of my most favorite songs ever...which I can also relate to..

my version 

Some people search the world for love

I know it's aimless just because,

I've been there time and time again,

singing a song that doesn't end

Careless and thoughtless I may be,

in other ways, but this I see,

You bring importance to our lives

You are extraordinary and I--

I would give all, all that I have

for you to stumble on my path

I want to please You, because I need You

tell me that I am ready for love

I've been around long enough to know,

many claim your name but it's just show

I don't need lights, glitter or shine

I just need you to say it's time

And I would give all, all that I have

for you to stumble on my path

I want to please You, because I need You

tell me that I am ready for love

Settle down over me, like morning dew..

or pour down like rain, but whatever you do

teach me your ways, show me your face

so when that day comes I'll know my place

And I will be ready, ready for love...

well, it's now 4am...so I'm feeling a moral dilemma about being up this late...so I shall sign off...until next time.

Lovesssss (as John would say)

Catherine