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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Enough

Song #2 Revealed:

My EP will be mixed next week, it's about time I share another song that's going to be on it. This song is probably my most well known song despite being "newer" (I've been songwriting for about 10 years now so respectively newer.) I entered it in a contest a year ago on a whim with a rough recording I did at home and put it on my myspace page and now most of the response I get about my music has to do with this very song.

Most of my songs (definitely anything in the last year or two) have a personal story/meaning behind them besides the obvious universal meaning that the world can relate to--or at least I hope you can relate. I'm now going to share with you the story behind this song.

On December 19, 2008 my sister and her friend were driving to the post office to mail a package to my brother when they were broad-sided by a 16 year old in a large Chevy truck going 55 mph through a red light. I was at home a few miles away at the time. I was in the middle of editing Noteworthy's second album and during this time I always had my studio headphones on and was nowhere near my phone. This day I was having technical difficulties so I wasn't working and I happened to have my phone right next to me. I received a phone call from my sister's friend...all she said was, "we got in an accident. Kristin's not okay. We're at McKellips & Higley."
I got up from the couch, forced my mom off of the phone call she was on and prepared to run in my flip flops the 2.5 miles to McKellips and Higley...my car was in Utah...my dad had his car...my sister was driving my mom's car and I didn't have a key to my sister's car. As it happens, my mom had found a key to my sister's Jeep the day before so we rushed over there in literally 2 minutes which felt like eternity. When we got there they were still in the car. My sister was slumped over the steering wheel. I won't go into graphic details, but it wasn't something I really wanted to see. My sister's friend was conscious and covered in glass and debris and had little cuts all over her face. I stood out in the intersection, talked to her and tried to calm the both of us down. Sometime during that, Kristin woke up and was carried out of the car into the ambulance. She didn't know where she was, who my mom was, or what had happened. Her face was white, she was shaking and could barely open her eyes. We were lucky. I didn't know if she would be okay...in this moment she wasn't okay. I don't remember feeling my body or my mind or my heart or any sensation during this entire time except for peace...it was like I was floating on it. Everything was whirling around us--fire trucks, police cars, EMTs, firemen, witnesses, victims. My mom was frantic and my dad, who rushed over from work, was worried. I don't know why it was me, but I knew it would be okay and I also knew it was my job to help everyone else be okay.
My mom had a piano recital that she had planned months in advance happening at our house in literally an hour. Since we wouldn't be able to see Kristin at the hospital till all of her tests were done, my dad went there and waited while I went home and helped my mom put on her hour long recital. I could barely keep my hands steady as I tried to ice 100 sugar cookies that her students were now not going to get to decorate. I kept a calm demeanor as I let everyone in, since my mom was off printing recital programs that Kristin was on her way to copy after the post office.
After the recital we went to the hospital. She had bleeding in her left temporal lobe. She would need to stay in the ICU for a couple of days to make sure the bleeding stopped and the blood cleared and then at least another day out of the ICU to make sure she was stable. Once she was out of the ICU, I stayed with her overnight...sharing her bed...the nurse kept commenting on how cute we were...but I just couldn't imagine leaving. She had to be alone all night while in the ICU and it was the hardest part.
After a few weeks of rest and nursing her back to health...and a slightly depressing Christmas due to all of that....she went back to school with nothing to show but a fading scar on her lip. But the experience was burned in me like a branding iron.

I didn't write the song for a few weeks. One night I sat in our music room upstairs and played some chords on my mom's keyboard with some synth-y pad sound called "Quazar" or something. I had several things going through my mind...and a heavy weight on my heart. I had a friend who had made a huge mistake in his life that had jeopardized his standing with his family. I had a friend who was struggling with her identity, who needed to be honest with herself and with people around her. I had another friend whose father passed away unexpectedly right after the holiday. I had been carrying around with me the images from the accident. I thought about how I had come home after the hospital that first night and tried to pick up like normal. I went to do the dishes and saw my sister's plate from lunch. I knew that we had gotten in an argument over lunch--of course I don't remember what it was and how stupid--but as I cleaned that dish, I finally broke down. It made me think about those small moments that a person goes through after going through tragedy...not the funerals, the hospitals, the gravesites, the family get togethers, the big life celebrations all without that person...but the small moments in between...picking up their clean clothes out of the dryer from that morning...or receiving that last letter in the mail...canceling their magazine subscription...picking up their room... Okay, that may sound weird. But, it's the stuff you don't think about. It's for those small moments, when you have nothing left in you to muster to get you through, to move one more step, to fix it and reverse your mistakes, to always need to but never get to say you're sorry, when you don't know how you can ever forgive yourself or ever be whole....it's for those moments that I wrote this song.

About 6 months later, I played the song at an extended family talent show. My mom's cousin had passed away from cancer a few months before and the person MC-ing that night (his brother) had accidentally killed his 20-something year old daughter backing out of the driveway in his work truck sometime in the year before that. When I finished, he stopped me with tears in his eyes and just said, "thank you." I don't expect much when I write a song...only that it means something to me. But in this moment, I understood fully why I make music.

People have come out of the woodwork to tell me how much this song means to them. Like I said it's not what I asked for or expected. I'm grateful that life has given me challenges and I have found a way to process them that speaks to others. I don't take very much credit though...except for the courage to write it...but when songs like this come I usually feel like there is some greater purpose for it...one that I didn't create. I'm not trying to be profound...that's just how I feel. I can only hope that it does mean something to you and that there is some greater purpose in it. It's why I continue to do write, play & make music.

So now you know the story. My story. I usually don't share them...because, once they reach you, they become your story. And that's what matters.

Enough
by Catherine Papworth
dedicated to Kik

Is it enough?
Just to love,
and be loved by someone?
Is it enough?
To not give up,
if giving up is something
When what you give, is what you've got
but what you've got is nothing
more to give
Is it enough?

And in your life,
you need a break,
but what you want is broken
You carry on,
your mind's awake,
but now your body's frozen
Just showing up
could be that tough
Just being there with someone,
is it enough?
is it enough?

The light is dim and shadows show up on your face
Your hope is gone you're waiting for that saving grace
But all that I can give to you is just to say

When hope is gone,
you'll carry on till tomorrow
You need a friend,
you've reached the end,
but find your heart keeps going
You do your best, with all the rest
and though you can't tell now
it'll be enough
it'll be enough

Is it enough,
to face the truth,
when tragedy has fallen?
and even worse,
the truth hurts,
those were your last words spoken
what would you say,
if everyday, you had the chance
but now you're not there to say it?
what would you say?

The years have gone and lines now show up on your face
Your hope is gone you're waiting for that saving grace
but all that I can give to you is just to say

When hope is gone,
you'll carry on till tomorrow
You need a friend,
you've reached the end,
but find your heart keeps going
You do your best, with all the rest
and though you can't tell now
it'll be enough
it'll be enough



I licensed a version of the song to this commercial. I don't mind making money to do what I love...don't mind it at all.

2 comments:

Deanna said...

You're my hero.

Esther and Brian VanGorder said...

Thanks for sharing Cath. I think I needed that today.