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Monday, October 5, 2009

counter-intuitions

Have you ever had one of those days? Well, I shouldn't even ask that question, cause I already know the answer is yes...yes...unfortunately yes. unless you're an android from mars (i dont know..maybe you are) or some kind of super human...this post may surely sound familiar.

this is me today...I would put * around everything, but that would get cluttered. so use your imagination.

7:00 AM buzzing alarm, my brain: what is that %&*($@! sound? Must HIT BUTTON.
7:09 AM buzzing again. HIT THE ^&%*$# button!
7:18 AM slightly louder buzzing. my brain: all I know is I have two choices right now...sleep in quiet, or sleep with that loud *BEEAAARRAARPPP BEEEEEAAARPPP* in my ear (yes, there's an R in there somewhere). hits button.
7:27 AM violently loud buzzing. my brain....OH...it must be 7. That's what time I decided at 3:20AM that I was going to get up to go walking. hits OFF button.
11:20AM wakes up. groggy. disoriented. looks at red numbers. ah dang...missed early morning walk. head back down on pillow.
11:48 AM head up again. okay okay. i guess i should get up. opens blinds. blinking. eyes closed. blinking. eyes closed. okay, eyes open.
shower.
blow-dry.
clothes.
makeup.
gather everything i need in purse and documents to go get fingerprinted for new job.
walk downstairs with no shoes.
eat.
back upstairs..for shoes and chat with dad.
back downstairs to look up info on cashier's checks on computer.
back upstairs. chat with dad.
back downstairs. ah...where's my ipod.
back upstairs. ipod in hand.
back downstairs.
out the door. ah...I forgot my sunglasses. oh well.

2:00 PM at the bank. i need a cashier's check for $69 (so some government employee can log me in some system and check my squeaky clean background and dirty my fingers with ink and take my money which i dont have cause we're in a recession and we're all poor...in order to get a job so that i'm not poor anymore. stinking government)
2:05 PM can i see a picture ID?
sure. opens wallet...ID gone...wait a minute....i dont have my ID. it's in my other bag *nervous chuckle*...i have my debit card, waves card, more nervous chuckling...as if that would work...i went to a show friday night...they asked for my ID..I must've just taken it out of my wallet and it's in my other purse.
oh..what show did you see?
ingrid michaelson
where?
martini ranch.
okay well...
what's your name...social...birthday....address....phone number...birthplace...first crush...shoe size.
okay...i believe you.
who would you like that made out to?
DPS...it's a good thing I figured this out now cause I'm going to go get fingerprinted and i'd need my ID for sure.
where are you getting it done that it costs $69? My buddy just got his done in Chandler for much less.
oh really? ha...(stinking government).
okay well here you go.
out of bank. back in car. rushing home to get ID.

back home. take ipod off car jack--wouldn't want it to get stolen in my driveway. leave purse in car with door open.
run upstairs. search through purse which i had already emptied to switch purses. no ID.
runs back downstairs to car. search through current purse. nothing.
runs back upstairs. search desk. search purse again. search dresser. search bathroom. search pants.
runs downstairs. searches counter. table. computer desk.
runs to car. searches car.
runs to computer. looks up martini ranch. hi i was there on friday night and i think i might've lost my ID...have you seen it?
nothing.
goes to phone to text friend...racking my brain.
OH YA! it's in my scanner....? i had to scan my ID to verify my identity to put my music on my facebook page.
runs upstairs. grabs ID.
runs downstairs. OH, my sunglasses!
runs upstairs. grabs sunglasses.
runs to car. gets in. keys in ignition. going through purse...where's my ipod?
runs to kitchen. no ipod.
runs upstairs. no ipod.
runs back to car. ipod WAS in purse. duh.
takes off for fingerprinting office.

to preface this part...the only information i was given about the place i was supposed to get myself fingerprinted was that it was called "something like preferred services" and it was on the "south" side across from the Mesa Arts Center. It is a "narrow" building. And it is only open til 3. no information on preferred services could be found on the internet. so i just went to find it on a prayer.

2:55PM me circling around Main St and Center St, 100 W, 100 S, back and forth weaving and weaving...what am i even looking for?
man..my windows are dirty. stupid sprinklers. i can't see a thing.
one more pass on Center street. catch out of corner of eye: "Preferred Information Services" on WEST side of street.
AHA! now where to park.
circle left...then left again...then left again...no place to park on street. pull into a driveway..staring at creepy alleyway...i don't think this is a parking lot.
back out on to street. turn right. turn right. perfect. park.
out of car...ah..i left my ipod in the car. what if someone steals it? already walking away...just let go.
walks up to "Preferred Information Services"...someone standing outside. oh no. they're closed. wait..she's on the phone.
get to the door...open til 4:30. saved.
walk in. sign in. look up. "$12 for fingerprints". sweet that's $3 cheaper than I thought. wait.."$15 for teachers". what the stupid. Cash Only.
looks in wallet. $3 cash. drats.
chime up: you only accept cash?
yes.
is there an ATM nearby?
at Mesa Dr and Main there's a Wells Fargo. (I remember passing it). or there's a US Bank right over there, points.
okay.

sets out on foot. walks to end of block, looks left for US bank. can't see. crosses street. looks back and sees US bank down street to left, but then looks across street ahead for wells fargo, big building...that's probably it. walks across street again. walks up to building. not it. walks down street. crosses back to the first side. keeps walking up street away from US bank. wells fargo has got to be down here. big building: Mesa Bank. oh look...a city bank. okay. walks around city bank. no ATM. looks inside. looks fancy. maybe not that kind of bank.

walks back down street toward US bank. crosses back over where started. strolling along...enjoying little boutiques and fresh 80 degree air. finds US Bank. walks in. no ATM. walks out. ATM on other side. insert card. english. pin number. withdrawal. $20. okay, but there's a $3 fee. THREE DOLLARS?! i remember when it was $1.25. lame. it's been a while since i've withdrawn money at an ATM and even longer since it wasn't a credit union co-op. OKay okay..i'll pay. takes money, receipt, card. turns around. looks across parking lot at...Preferred Information Services. that close. ugh.

goes inside. hands over money. signature. copy of receipt. goes to back. surrenders hand. "don't press". woman handling my fingers. press in ink. press on sheet. press in ink. press on sheet. all 10 fingers. "now forefingers". forefingers???? what the heck??? is that like what a forearm is to an arm...to a finger? the backside of my fingers?? what is this??? grabs my FOUR fingers diagonally pressing on sheet...excluding thumb. OH! gotcha. now wash your hands with that orange stuff. enjoying orange scent...looking at hands...i look like a mechanic.

that's it? that's it. thanks. silently appreciating people who do their jobs and don't complain and make you feel like you're an inconvenience to the world. internally head-bopping to "ain't too proud to beg" playing on their radio.

back in car. heads home. swerves across 3 lanes (phew, no cars!) to gas station forgot i was going to stop at. $10 in tank. all i can afford. it goes over. $10.02. I'll make it $10.05. passes .05 to .07. okay...$.10...passes $.10 okay...$.25. gently coaxing nozzle. $10.23, $10.24, $10.25. perfect. $10.25 for gas.

makes it home in one piece.

maybe i'll go wash the car.

thus concludes "journey through my crazy counter-intuitive brain today"
if you read that...i hope you kept your arms and legs inside at all times. the exit is to the left. hope you enjoyed the ride.

3 comments:

Courtney said...

HAHAHAHA! This story made me miss you. seriously tho. I wish I could have been there to experience it first hand. i love you :)

Kristin said...

your life gives me anxiety. if i lived one day like that, i'd probably end up in the ER. haha. but i love you!

Catherine said...

welcome to my world, sista!