Self Worth

It's about time we stop looking in the mirror and buying into our issues with self-worth, self-depracation, self-questioning, and belittling beliefs about our own inadequacy.  This can also, and often does, show up in our judgment and criticalness of others.  You may think belittling yourself doesn't affect others and may feel your own worthlessness is of no consequence, but it is of severe consequence.  The messages we put out about ourselves and others join the collective consciousness and feed in to the mass deception that we have to DO something to BE something and we have to LOOK this or that way to BE worthwhile, acceptable or worth love or that our value comes from ANYTHING outside of ourselves.  That kind of message can hurt those closest to you as well as those you may never meet. I am a strong advocate that we are all accountable for our own feelings and that no one can make us feel what we don't already feel inside.  I'm not suggesting that by feeding into our own self worth issues we are responsible for creating others'.  But what I am suggesting is that when we decide to see the truth of who we are and live that truth we offer others permission to see themselves in the truth of who they are.  You have the power to lift yourself out of your own struggle and offer a tremendous gift to others when you do so.  You have the power create a world where people know they belong simply because they exist, they have worth simply because they were born, they were created exactly the way they were supposed to be and it's perfect, and there's nothing they have to DO to earn it.  Any self-improvements they make are out of love and support in being their truest self and they offer everyone around them that same love and joy and allowance.  I guarantee we'll start seeing a world with less addiction, murder, suicide, pain and struggle.  It's not just about you.  Remember that the next time you want to compare yourself, put yourself down or make a judgment about another.  You can continue in that pattern.  Or you can start sending out the true message of self worth.

You are beautiful.

You are worthwhile.

Your worth is embedded in your being. 

It's not outside of you.  No one can take it away or alter it.

Each of us has a unique divine blueprint of who we are which should be celebrated!

You don't have to earn it or change anything about you. It is already yours to have.

Just BE.

You see it in a child, you see it in others. Start seeing it in yourself.

 

Favorite songs of 2012

What were your favorite songs of 2012? Before the New Year rings in I'm going to try to name my top 10. Here goes in no particular order:

10) John Mayer // Walt Grace's Submarine Test, January 1967 // "Cause when you're down with this world, the next is up to you"

Can't say enough of the genius of this man's lyricism. Never would've thought a song about a submarine would be so relatable. Comment if you like!



9) Ingrid Michaelson // Do It Now // "Don't waste a minute on the darkness and the pity sitting in your mind and do it right now"

For the procrastinator in all of us... Wasn't a huge fan of this album, but this song got me going in the morning/during my commute.




8) Kimbra // Good Intent


I loved everything about this... I could post 10 Kimbra songs but I just picked one. She is stunning.

Vulnerability

I am writing my thoughts in response to a facebook thread regarding this post by the lovely Kylee Shields.

I have watched both of Brene Brown's Tedx Talks on this over and over and have tried to understand this in my own context and life.  I think Todd put it beautifully, "vulnerability is a preemptive declaration of forgiveness that we offer to those we meet."  Ah, SO TRUE! With much love and respect to Daniel Woolston, whose ideas and opinions I often deeply cherish, I disagree with the statement, "when you care about someone so much that you start caring more about the other person than you do about yourself, precisely BECAUSE you know that they will do the exact same thing in return."  It's a beautiful thought.  But, I guess I feel like there is more to the picture.

I used to think of love this way.  I realized that subconsciously I was trying to love myself through someone else.  If I can love them and give them all of me, and they can provide that in return, then I can feel the love that I was truly craving for myself.  When I put it like that, it just sounded selfish.  Instead now I think of loving another as, "I'll be better for ME, for you. And you be better for YOU, for me."

We need to stop associating vulnerability with weakness.   We need to stop associating vulnerability with being needy.  Vulnerability is the willingness to love, embrace, forgive, accept, trust, and have faith in God, ourselves and others without a NEED for anything in return.  What???! No need for ANYTHING?! But we all have basic needs right?  We all need God's love. We all need to feel connected.  We all need to be loved, right?  I often think I have a great ability to love people unconditionally.  Then, I get hurt.  And I get upset that I get hurt.  Why did I get hurt?  Because I had a condition... "I will love you completely and utterly 100% BUT in order to be whole myself, I have a need for YOU to be a certain way. I have a need for YOU to love me back.  I have a need for YOU to accept me.  I have a need for YOU to never let me down, etc. etc."  Well, sure, we have a basic desire for these things.  That's not wrong.  Surely you expect your spouse to be faithful, your parent to love you and support you and not abuse you, your friends to be loving and true.  That is what they're SUPPOSED to do, right?  Well, what if they don't?  Can you still love them unconditionally?  Can you still be vulnerable? What if they are hurting us?  Are we not supposed to love and have compassion on those who willfully hurt us?                                                                                                                  

I then look to Christ's example.  Does Christ love us unconditionally?  Yes. Does Christ love us even when we don't love Him back?  Yes.  So much so that He suffered and died to atone for each of us.  Even in the midst of being scoffed, scorned, afflicted and crucified, receiving the cruelest the world could provide he uttered a prayer of forgiveness to His offenders.  So, would Christ deem it wrong to love others who are not reciprocating that love?                                                                  

I suppose THAT to me is the true meaning of vulnerability.  Showing up in full love, truly willing to give of oneself with the complete acceptance that that person may fully reject you, even willfully hurt you.  That thought may seem disempowering, but there are some key things to know in order to embrace this mode of operating.                                                                                                                                                    

A) You are completely worthy of love, with absolutely no condition.  You are completely enough, perfect, even, on a soul level. Sure, imperfect on a human level, but your true identity is always enough and always full of worth.  Nobody's rejection of you can take that away.  Do you think God mopes around and starts thinking about how terrible He is when someone doesn't love Him?  NO! He sends MORE love!!!!!                                                                                                                                                                                

B)  Everything you need will always be provided for you.  If you need love, it will be there.  The problem is, we fixate on HOW, WHERE or WHO that is going to show up from.                                                                      

C) We must not close ourselves off to RECEIVING.  It is vulnerable to receive love when we don't feel worthy of it, when we feel weak, when we feel inadequate OR, when we deem vulnerability and receiving as weakness or inadequacy.   You must make yourself vulnerable (not WEAK!) to receive love where love IS.   You do this by loving yourself first and knowing that you are worthy to receive.

D) When we show up in that kind of love, by law, God brings us more of it.  Love, beauty, miracles, soul expansion, abundance, joy, creation and every beautiful and empowering thought/feeling you can have find their way to us because that is a reflection of who we are BEing.  The people who are here to love us and the work we came here to do will show up because of our complete willingness to receive and to take the risk of being vulnerable.                                                                                                            

E) Certain people will NOT have the ability to show us the love we desire (maybe ever, or maybe just at the time we met them in life). I believe there is a divine reason for this. We must first seek this love from God and then from ourselves (WITHIN!)  Then we don't NEED it from anyone (OUTSIDE OF OURSELVES!) God will show it to us anyway through infinite ways, people, experiences. I believe part of our mission in this life is to discern where love is NOT.                                                                                                                                                                      

F) In discerning where love is NOT, we may want to put up boundaries.  These boundaries are not to shun people, they are to accept people where they are and the capability they have to show up in love.  When you truly love yourself and realize someone else's pain is causing them to try to hurt you, you then get to choose whether to have compassion on them.  You can know it has nothing to do with you. It is their own pain projected onto you.  How much more do you want to show them love knowing that their pain is causing them such disharmony and fear?                                                                                                                              

G) Forgiveness.  We came here to experience forgiveness.  Another divine purpose for meeting those who cannot provide the love we desire.  Anytime we have a problem in our lives, something or someone is calling, beckoning even, to be forgiven.  Often that person is ourselves.  The true key to letting go and loving with complete vulnerability even to those who are SUPPOSED to love us and are NOT, is forgiveness.  It's releasing the NEED for someone to be a certain way or validate us and loving them for who and where they are in this moment.                                                                                                                                        

In summary, I think vulnerability is knowing who you are and loving yourself fully and completely, embracing that God loves you fully and completely and being willing to love others fully and completely without condition.  "Love thy neighbor AS thyself."  Why?  Because we are all one here.  When I love me, I love you.  When I lift you, I lift me.  It's being unafraid of weakness, inadequacy, rejection. It's about trusting, believing and knowing that you will receive all the love you need (GOD IS ABOUNDING IN IT!!!) from whatever source will serve you best and that the pain you receive from others is here to teach you a lesson---HOW TO LOVE & FORGIVE MORE i.e. BE MORE LIKE CHRIST.                                                                                    

Vulnerability is empowering.  Vulnerability is forgiving.  Vulnerability is love.                                                

I strive to be the kind of person who can hold all of that love in my heart and embrace the good and the bad in others knowing it is only a reflection of the good and the bad in me.  I strive to love myself and love others without condition.  I strive to have compassion on those who are not showing up in love, but instead in fear.  I strive to be willing to be on the receiving end.  I'm thankful for those who have showed up needing love and forgiveness.  It has shown me where I have need of loving and forgiving myself.                                                                                                                                                              

I hope to love and create from this space.  The possibilities seem endless.  And joy and gratitude are the predominating states of being there.  We need to remember we are already whole.  We are here to be our highest expression of love.  We do this by being vulnerable: "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt" and walking away with MORE expansion for love, acceptance and forgiveness.  So...there's yaknow...some of my thoughts... :)

Enlightenment on the Road

I tend to receive tidbits of thought enlightenment while running.  This was today's:

Lessons For Life and Running

• When running, it is best to set a goal.  If you want to, you can run aimlessly, but you will only run to the point that you have conditioned yourself to.  i.e. if you don't set a goal, you will most likely only run the distance that you are comfortable at running.  For some of us, that is zero. i.e. you will never improve. Likewise, in life, if you want a NEW experience, to stretch yourself or to reach a better destination than you have already reached, you must set a goal.  Don't run around aimlessly in life without one!!! If I had not set a goal to reach the stop sign at the top of that huge hill today and had not kept my eye on it the whole time, there is no way I would have made it to the top.  I would have stopped when my body got tired.  (which was not even halfway!) Even if you can't see clearly what your final destination is, imagine what it would FEEL like when you get there.  And keep moving!!!

• In life, like running, if you stop for too long you'll have to work to get back in shape.  Don't get discouraged.  Just start again.  That's why it's called exercise.  Each time you are applying/practicing/testing.  We have to keep doing it.  (Yes, it is worth it!)

• Don't be afraid of the gag reflex when you reach your destination.  It just means you gave it your all.  You will be less afraid of that feeling the next time you get to that point.

• Good music really helps along the way :)  Today's pick-me-up: Rihanna // We Found Love

Ironically, when I reached the top of the hill and to that stop sign I kept my eye on the whole time, I looked down and found this stamped on the sidewalk. :)  Enlightenment is the destination.  Happy running!

i.run.hardest.at.the.end

Catherine

Snow Storm

In early March, two friends/fellow songwriters and I headed to Santa Barbara for the Durango Songwriter Expo.  We were slated to leave Wednesday night, drive 5-6 hours from Salt Lake City to Vegas, sleep, get up and drive the remaining 7-8 hours to the expo and get there in time for the event to start Thursday night.  My roommate and I of course were running behind schedule so we didn't pull out of our house in SLC until 8 PM, and then we spent the next hour trying to unclog my windshield fluid hose with an aerosol air can---which didn't work.  So we gave up and left SLC at 9PM when suddenly giant snowflakes began falling heavily from the sky.  The snow, in combination with the lack of wiper fluid and the lateness of our departure made for undesirable conditions, but we decided to make a decision about whether or not to take off that night once we reached Provo an hour south where we were picking up our other friend.

The snow was somewhat drive-able for the hour drive but conditions seemed to only be getting worse.  And, they were supposed to stay bad all night and all morning so there really wasn't a good window for us to get out of town and make it to the expo on time.  Circumstances as they were, my two friends were a little hesitant to make the trip, but I was determined.  I really don't know what had taken over me in that moment, but I was completely full of faith that we would make it and continue on until we got there.

The trip wasn't easy by any means.  We spent most of the night going 20 miles an hour.  It took us about 10 hours to get to Vegas, almost twice as long as it should have.  There were cars in ditches every few hundred feet it seemed and when we FINALLY spotted a snow plow it was heading in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION! Semi-trucks whirled by us in my little Honda Civic dumping large amounts of snow and ice on our windshield which only made the visibility go from little to NONE until I could wipe it off.  Luckily, the snow was wet enough that if we kept the wipers on, I still had a patch I could see through well enough.  However, there were a few sections on the road when ice covered all visibility and the wipers couldn't seem to break it up.  We had originally devised a plan to pour wiper fluid out of the car window with a cup if that ever happened, and we quickly found out that plan was a bust!  I had about an inch I could see through if I ducked down and that was IT!  For almost 5 hours all we could catch of the view ahead was about 2-5 feet and then darkness.  And what we could see in those two feet looked like we were going through hyperspace.

My friends were a little uneasy the entire time, but I felt very calm and peaceful.  My heart was assured that we would make it there if we just continued on, slow and steady.  I wasn't worried at all in the face of quite a lot of danger.  We stopped near Beaver and talked about getting a motel room for the night.  However, we talked to a gas station attendant who informed us people heading from the other direction said that it would clear up in about 20 miles.  We just had to get through a canyon (which sounded much scarier than it actually was.)

Lesson #1:  Don't give up too soon!  We made it all the way to the end of the storm and almost decided to stop for the night.  It ended up only being about 20 minutes of driving till the road cleared and the snow tapered off.  20 minutes!!! After almost 6 hours of driving!  Sometimes the end is just right around the corner.  Press on!


Well, we did continue on and pulled into Vegas at 6 AM, stopped for a brief nap until 10 or 11 and continued driving to our destination 8 hours away.   Just a little bit tired ;)


Lesson #2:  My roommate was quite shocked at how calm I was during the entire ordeal.  Though a little petrified herself, she cheered me on and even tried to buy me whatever I wanted/needed at the gas station to keep me motivated.  Because of conversations we had had prior to this, she knew that I have at times struggled with overcoming stage fright and having what I would consider good stage presence.  She said to me, "You faced that deadly storm like it was no thing and you're afraid to get up in front of a few hundred people and sing???!!"  Huh.  Good point.  When I got up to sing that night in front of my peers and industry professionals, I remembered the storm and bravely stood up to my fear of performing in front of people.  It wasn't until later when I was talking to a mentor friend of mine and relayed this story that she added further clarity on the storm analogy.  Kindly, she pointed out, "Yeah Catherine, but the storm wasn't going to not love you if you didn't make it through."  ...Bingo...  Though this is a subject for another day and another blog post, learning to love myself through every stage, every disappointment, every storm has been a big part of my work over the last year.  I'm still learning, practicing and growing in my ability to do this.  But I'm pretty certain these harsh lessons I've been going through are because this message is something I need to share.  It's part of my purpose.  And, I will.  Stay tuned.

Lesson #3:  The third part of this showed up today, actually.  Although, if I really think about it, it's shown up multiple times, I just didn't see it fully until today.  I have thought about the storm analogy many times since having this experience.  I have thought about how easy it was for me to feel assured during that whole process, but in real life, I fear putting in the work through such an arduous climb and then ending up in the ditch anyway.  I feared moving forward.  I feared feeling ANYTHING, because what if I move forward with faith, trusting to make it through the 10 hours and then I end up in the ditch anyway?  Life truly felt like it had played me this card over the last 12 months.  I had worked and worked and worked SOO hard to become better, lose weight, make myself available, become a morning person (not an easy thing for me), make an album, put myself "out there" in more ways than one, open up to love, love fully with all of my heart, trust another human, trust God with all of my heart and do whatever He asked me to do (and I really did whatever He asked me to...with full intent) and I felt like after all that, I got thrown in the ditch.  


I posed this hypothetical, non-rhetorical question to a relative of mine that is a healer today and she said, "So, the 'problem' is, you can't (don't) see the progress you made in those 9 hours of driving.  You don't see how far you got in those 9 hours before you ended up in the ditch."  .....No, well, I guess not.


My dad had actually asked me to take an inventory about a year ago and write down all of the good that had come from me taking the journey I had over the year prior.  The truth is, I made a LOT of progress.  I learned A LOT.  My list is quite long, but most importantly, I helped another person find value in themselves.  I grew closer to God than I had ever been in my life.   I loved unfeigned.  As painful as it was to have that love rejected, what was worse was the belief that it instilled in me, a belief based in lies, even the evidence was twisted around from truth and reality in order to back up the belief:  You are not enough.  You are not worthy. You are not loved. You will never be loved.  You are not beautiful.  Therefore, you are not worthy of love.


Ouch.


I drove 9 hours through a snow storm to end up in the "I don't love myself" ditch.  And, what's worse is, once there, I didn't see how far I'd come.  I truly believed it would have been better for me to stay home and not make any journey at all than to end up where I did.


But, I believe God cares less about the ditches we fall into and more about our overall progress.  He cares less about what we would call successes and failures, and more about what He sees as our growth and improvement.  He knows the ditch is temporary.  He also knows that the ditch is teaching me an extremely important lesson.  One which I will carry with me to avoid future ditches, potholes and wrong turns.


I've learned a lot of lessons over the past year.  And, I assume I will continue to learn and grow even more through this sometimes painful, arduous process of life. 


 Oh, and one more important lesson I've learned.  "Every failure brings with it the seed of an equivalent success" --Napoleon Hill.  


I'm super stoked for the upside of these trials.  In every thing there is an opposite...which means through the bitter and the sorrow, there must be an EQUAL capacity for joy, gladness and success.  I look forward to that while also being grateful for the nine hours I made it down the road already.  Who knows, twenty more minutes and we could be out of this storm :).  




glad.you.made.it.this.far


Catherine

1 AM Thoughts: Mirror, Mirror

Sometimes it feels like I just keep bumping up against myself.  Instead of the usual "brick wall" we usually refer to when we come up against a problem that seems to be slowing us down, mine is a mirror, reflecting back to me my own imperfections and weaknesses, the problems that don't seem to get fixed or the ones I can't seem to accept.   It feels like a hard lesson to face, getting to the point of breakthrough and getting knocked back down again.  But somehow I know each time it toughens and makes weak things stronger. Someday I'm gonna break through and shatter that mirror, and when I walk past them, all images thrown at me will not distract or deter me from my purpose.  I'll simply walk on past them straight to my goal.

grateful.for.hard.things

-C

Opening Up

As one of my 5 readers, you may have noticed that, I haven't written in a while.  I can't really say (no pun intended) why this is.  I posted in the last few months about having a "broken mouth" and this is truly how I feel a lot of the time.  It's not that I don't have anything to say.  I have so much to say.  It's almost gotten to the point that it's painful that I can't say it.  I have several partially formulated drafts just sitting in my blog account and even more wheeling around in my mind.  And I don't know why I can't speak.  But for the sake of, at least energetically speaking, being available to and willing to change that story, I'm gonna start.  And it may come out awkwardly at first.  And I may need to make a few midnight ramblings like this one.  But I'm hoping I'll have something concrete to say about what I've learned over the last year or so, and where my journey is now.  And, as sometimes painfully transparent as that is, I hope you'll go with me.


Nostalgia

I have been extremely nostalgic lately.  It seems like everywhere I turn something reminds me of the past: times, that, no matter how eventful or gray or up or down, are held in this beautiful space for me that when indulged in thought for too long is almost too much to hold.  I've been honoring that by leaning into it a little bit.  I made a playlist of songs that bring me back to that "place" in time, which I of course entitled Nostalgia.  I started calling friends I miss, recalling old adventures to mind, old mindsets, beautiful moments, not so beautiful moments.  It began with missing the two and a half(ish) transforming and beautiful years I spent in Arizona from May 09-Jan 12.  I miss going on a run on a beautiful, warm January day.  I miss the open skies and breathtaking sunsets and sunrises.  I miss the Mesa temple.  I miss my friends. My friends!!!! If you're reading this, I miss you.  Finer things club, Scottsdale art walks, indie movie nights, long bike rides by the canal at night, neighborhood bike rides, thai food, Tempe town lakes, running! so much running, music nights, long talks... it goes on.  After leaning into this, I began missing summers in Portland, my childhood in San Diego, beach camping in Carlsbad, Balboa Park.  All of these times, though not always momentous, felt magical and I am missing that.

I've been leaning into the feeling and acknowledging its presence.  However, because of a lot of the "work" I've done to get to where I am now, I understand that the past is not real.  Because, the only "time" that is real is right NOW.  The past is only a memory of a recent or distant present.  We can never go back into the past, because we can only exist in the present moment.  If I went back to any of these places right now (physically speaking), I may or may not have a magical experience, but the point is that it would be a new experience, it would be a present experience.  I realize that I have to bring the magic into where I am now.  Because there may be a day that I will be missing the exact moment I'm in, the time when I lived in the "pirate ship" (what we call our house) in Salt Lake City and all of the ups and downs of this present moment.  And I wouldn't want to live this or remember this experience with my head stuck in the (past) clouds.

I told my roommate my situation the other day and she made an insightful comment that went something like, "nostalgia comes up when we don't have a clear picture of what's coming up next."  Essentially, our minds don't know what's up ahead so we delve into the past for whatever we're wanting the present/future to be.  Whether we're searching for connection, for meaning, purpose, friends, or for life to be "magical" as I put it, we'll go looking for it in the past because it's all our mind knows.  I feel fortunate to have such a smart roommate.  I'm not mad at my nostalgia or the fact that it's showing up something fierce right now.  My past memories are beautiful things that I want to cherish and remember.  But I also know for a fact that my path right now is super unknown.  I'm moving forward, with hope and somewhat of a vision that I'm formulating for myself, and with a desire to create some new and wonderful things in my life.  But as scary and exciting as it is (two adjectives that completely describe my life right now), there are some days when I don't know what my life will look like two days from now let alone two months or twelve months.  It feels like taking two steps into the darkness hoping that the light will follow.  And it requires faith to do so.  So I step into the darkness, staying true to what I know, how I feel, and what I believe, having full determination that this synchronous rhythm I'm following will lead me to where I want to go.  And that's my story for now.

Thanks for listening.  Please comment if you have any thoughts.



"I do not ask to see the distant scene, one step enough for me."




missed.you

Living the Questions

Lately I've been feeling like there is so much to be worked on, changed, healed in order to get to where I want to go in life.  I keep thinking if I can just shift one thing that everything else would fall into place.  The unimportant things would sift themselves out and the really important things would effortlessly align through me focusing and acting on that one thing.  So I keep looking around for the answer.  Really, I keep looking inside, because I know the answers are always within.  There's nothing that we need outside of ourselves to get to where we want to go.  Yet, the answers seem to evade.  Suddenly I thought of this quote by Rainer Maria Wilke,


"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."




How difficult do we make our lives by resisting the questions?  How else are we to know what our soul, our heart is telling us unless we dig into that inner space and ask? I'm making it my new mission to ask the questions before looking for the answers.  It's no coincidence that the motto for this year so far has been to "find out."  Let's live the questions, and get excited for what we might find.


-C




don't.give.up.you're.not.alone

measuring up...in a good way

Dad told me to take a self inventory today.  In what ways have I measured up, showed up, given service?  Who have I touched?  What qualities have I developed and expressed?  


What would be on your list?


Expressing the positive of things always brings you more of what you want.  So I'm starting here.








love.yourself
stare.at.the.ocean

The Daylight

I don't know how this guy does it.  His music tears at my heart but I can't stop listening.  Sounds like most of my relationships. Ha.  Can't wait for this EP to come out on this coming Tuesday!

Listen more here:

http://www.pastemagazine.com/blogs/av/2012/02/album-stream-andrew-belle---the-daylight.html

broken mouth

I have so much to say right now. So much incubating inside.  And right now words seem like the most futile expression.  Maybe it's time to take up painting again.  Or maybe I will write about this.








sometimes.i.wish.you.were.here

Love is all around.

Loving self. Surrounding others with love. Receiving. Filling the spaces between with light and love.  These are things I have been focusing on more recently.  When I woke up today my thoughts were far from any lack of love or relationship in my life, which many "singles" often succumb to on this sometimes dreaded and strange holiday.  I actually forgot it was even a holiday. 

Nonetheless, today was still deeply satisfying and looked something like this:

-woke up

-positive affirmations

-yoga

-shower

-oat bran & berries

-lemon tea

-family text session

-coaching call

-reaching out to a friend

-"work"

-playing with beautiful, laughing children

-receiving an aromatherapy kit of amazingness from employer just to say thank you & happy V day...score.

-listening to "One and Only" by Adele on repeat during my entire roundtrip commute

-stopped at the store: back to nature fudge mint cookies--soo good, coconut milk "ice cream" entitled "Naked Coconut" (the name sealed the deal)--organic & fair trade! we're getting super healthy & politically aware up in here, 3 shades of pink nail polish (why not?), meatless chicken tenders, coconut milk, vine ripe tomatoes, asparagus.... the essentials.

-came home to a surprise card from my roommates encouraging more random lip action in my life (featured above)

-candle lit, music, room cleaning, aromatherapy

-chat session with roommate

-chillaxing on bed in newly cleaned, sweet smelling room

even though it's midnight I feel like the most loving choice right now would be to head over to the gym and spend a few minutes on the treadmill with some new tunes I just bought in my headphones followed by a session in the steam room...which let's be honest is the real reason I bought a gym pass ... is that bad? ;)

The best part of today (besides the fudge mint cookies) was hearing Bubba's (18 mos) laughter fill the room.  We had fun today.  There is nothing more beautiful and loving than the smile of a child.

Love is all around.  Can you feel it?

This Year

Christmas has come early this year.  A few weeks ago I daringly sought out to complete a Christmas EP in time for the holiday season and now I sit here in contemplation at the culmination of it all, on the exact day I released my first EP, The Truth, one year ago.

We sent off the finished product to iTunes/AmazonMP3/Spotify at 5 a.m. this morning so if everything goes as planned it will be up tomorrow! Physical CDs, show dates, and a really exciting holiday give-away are in the works, but for right now I just want to sit and breathe and share with you what this process has been for me.

With the encouragement of my artist coach and good friend, Trina Harmon, I made this album a healing project for me.  As is true with most artists, if it heals you, it heals other people, if it resonates with you, it's gonna resonate with others.  Though I had written one of the songs a couple years ago and was partly through another one, this project really began the night I picked up my guitar and started recording "Do You Hear What I Hear?"  It was my favorite Christmas song when I was little and I was counseled to share what was in my heart, what I love, and sing it in the vein of what I'm feeling right now.

With the help of my good friend and former co-worker, Dallas Rowley, I then completely re-vamped a Christmas song I wrote two years ago, the title track, "Merry Christmas, Dear" into a driving holiday anthem and re-arranged "Silent Night" into a wistful, nighttime lullaby.  He also contributed greatly to another original, "Christmas in You" played on the ukulele!!!! (I was excited about that) with essential elements such as hand claps, shaker, sleigh bells and lest we forget, mouth trumpet!  The music teacher at my elementary school, Mr. Kingsley also came through for me with some real trumpet, though the mouth trumpet was pretty rockin' on its own.

The album wraps with a song that ended up being, I feel, the real reason my soul felt compelled to make this album right now.  When I sat down two weeks ago today I didn't know what was going to come out, but I remember Trina's advice to write my pain into this album and find healing for myself.  So, that's what I did.

What came out was a song called

THIS YEAR.

My story is my own.

I suppose somewhere deep inside my soul I wanted to grow this year.  I wanted to feel real love.  And I wanted to expand myself.  So, life offered up a series of events/experiences that provided just that.  I like to say life backed me up into a corner and punched me in the gut to make me change, cut me down so I could grow into something better.

As I sat there and wrote this song I thought about you--you know who you are.  I thought about how much I love you.  I thought about everything we've been through.  I thought about all the crappy times we spent by each other's side.  I thought about the beauty of having you there for every crappy time (you know we didn't use that word ;).  I thought about the monumental moments, the milestones, the laughter, the small, insignificant moments, the place I hold you in my heart.  I thought about everything I wished and hoped for and feeling like I found it and then feeling it slip through my fingers again.  I thought about watching you grow.  I thought about the things we longed for, the things we lost. I thought about all of the failures we went through and the successes that are starting to come our way.  I thought about how you feel like home and how I never wanted that feeling to go away.  And I thought about having to let you go.

I thought about another You--You know who You are.  How I've never been closer to You than I was this year.  How it felt when I lost You and couldn't seem to find you anywhere, except for in the beauty of a sunrise or sunset.  I held onto those.  I thought about all the times I stopped to ask you, "Do You still love me? Are You still aware of me?" I thought about the angels--seen and unseen--you sent along my way to help me get through.

I thought about the loneliness that we felt.

I thought about my co-worker whose sister was diagnosed with cancer.

I thought about my friend who is raising her children on her own after 15 years of marriage.

I thought about our family friends who lost their two month old baby a month ago.  I thought about their pain and loss.

This year has been a life-altering one.  It's been a year for expansion, growth, pain, love, faith, endurance, knowledge, sacrifice, trust, believing, learning, trial, understanding, hope, experience and did I mention endurance?  I look back knowing there were so many joyful, enlightening moments.  I felt love in a way I never have experienced before and found it in so many different sources, including within myself.  I also felt sorrow like I never have before.  We went through so much this year.  We watched our lives rise and fall from hopeful to bittersweet disappointment and ecstatic happiness to heartbreaking despair back and forth like rolling waves. 

As I began to sing the words sitting at the piano that day, I broke into heavy sobs.

This was a healing moment for me.  In acknowledging your pain you also acknowledge how much that person, experience, event meant to you.  How it changed you.  

As I transitioned into the words of the beloved Christmas song, "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas,"  I came to peace with this year.  I carry it in my heart.  I'm grateful for the love.  I'm grateful for the change.  I'm grateful for every moment that tested us and every tear we shed.  Because I love you even more for that.

I truly honestly in my heart pray these words are true, that our troubles will be far away, that our hearts may be light this Christmas and that someday soon we will all be together.

THIS YEAR

by Catherine Papworth

This year, we started with high hopes this year

but how were we supposed to know

when we stepped out on this road,

we'd end up with broken bones this year

This year, life was like a closing door this year

our hearts a casualty of war

and though we fought through the storm,

it wasn't all we planned it for this year

And I want you to know,

before I let you go

that I carry in my heart this year.

So have yourself a merry little Christmas

let your heart be light

next year all our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

make the yuletide gay

from now on our troubles will be miles away

And I want you to know,

before I let you go

that I've never loved you more than this year

Someday soon we all will be together

if the fates allow

until then we'll have to muddle through somehow

so have yourself a merry little Christmas

have yourself a merry little Christmas

have yourself a merry little Christmas 

now.

Now it's your turn.  I invite you to share YOUR STORY.  What did this year mean to you?  What did you go through that changed you?  How have you found peace through your experiences?  What do you hope for in the coming year?

Peace, love and Christmas music,

Catherine

Airplanes in the sky

I saw these bi-planes on my walk the other day and it made me think of grandpa.  He had this passion for planes and flying.  He was building a plane in the backyard just before he died.  He used to have this sign on the wall next to the dining table that with the family name and was surrounded by wooden bi-planes. So, when I saw these the other day, I had to stop and snap a shot of them and reminisce.

I put my iphone ipod on shuffle on my walk tonight:

1. Late Bloomer / Allie Moss

2. Beach Baby / Bon Iver

3. Grown Ocean / Fleet Foxes

4. Beat It / Pomplamoose

5. Tug of War / Catherine Papworth *hahaha!

6. Towers / Bon Iver

7. Nature Boy / Pomplamoose

8. Call Your Girlfriend / Robyn

9. Sort Of / Ingrid Michaelson

10. Machine Gun / Sara Bareilles

10. The Way I Am / Ingrid Michaelson (Daytrotter session)

11. Every Teardrop is a Waterfall / Coldplay

something.about.the.moon.makes.me.think.of.you

Spilled Milk

It's been over 110 degrees all week so we've had "rainy day" schedule, i.e. recess indoors every day. Yesterday, I was walking through campus and a class of 1st graders were heading from the cafeteria back to the classroom. Some of them, who didn't get to finish their lunch, had their leftover lunch trays in tow. I had barely come up behind them when a little boy accidentally stepped on the shoelace of a chubby little red-headed boy, which caused the said shoelace to untie, stop him in his tracks and made him fall to the ground. His tray went flying and he immediately began to wail. It started out as an accidental fall, but as he realized what had happened he began to protest getting up and seemed to want to stay on the ground in mourning over the fact that he had been unfairly tripped (although it really was an accident) and as a result, his carrots, pineapple and milk carton had spilled on the ground. I almost walked by, seeing as his aide would probably become aware of the situation or maybe he was old enough to handle it himself. He looked older than he was...a little heftier and taller than most 1st graders. But, I suddenly had compassion for the little guy and realized it was obviously my duty to stop and make sure he was okay.
When I got to him tears were streaming and he seemed to be in despair. I checked his knees for scrapes but he was fine. His tears seemed to be more out of emotional pain than anything physical. Through sobs he said, "But I really wanted to drink that!" I picked up his milk carton and found that it was still relatively full. I said, "I'm sorry, but there is still some left. Okay?" He knodded, calming down a little. His sobs slowed and as I picked up what was salvageable, he gathered the courage to stand back up.

"Did your shoe come untied?"
"Yeah."
"Hm, you should probably tie it before you walk back to class, huh?"
Breaking into full out sobs again, "I don't know HOW to tie my shoes!!!"

Part of me wanted to laugh, but then I felt for the little guy. I knew that this wasn't the end of the world and not all was lost. Even if he did lose out on getting to drink his milk that day, the day would still go on and by the next morning he may have forgotten about the whole thing. But, even knowing that, my heart felt for his tears and the sadness that overwhelmed him over something so small yet important to him. Someday he would learn to tie his own shoe, learn to pick up his own spilled milk, and get up after being knocked down. But, today he needed a little assistance. I tied his shoe, put his tray back in his hands, wiped a tear from his cheek and said, "it's gonna be okay. Okay?" He knodded, took a deep breath to gather himself and walked back to class, a little more discheveled and behind the rest of the group, but still intact.

As I walked back to my classroom I thought, 'I wonder if this is how God reacts when my car breaks down on the freeway and I cry the whole way home or the boy I really wanted it to work out with doesn't choose me and I feel like wallowing?' He knows it's gonna be okay. But I'm sure He still feels for the way it hurts inside. Sometimes He ties our "spiritual shoes" and wipes away our tears and picks us up off the ground and tells us directly "it's gonna be okay." Other times He might be there cheering us on, but it might be our turn to prove to ourselves we can stand up on our own and learn how to tie our own shoes.

Just a thought. The next time I want to cry over spilled milk I'm going to remember the chubby little red-headed boy. It's gonna be okay.

Resistance Training

It has been a long time since I've posted, as Kim reminded me recently. Between my job at the elementary school starting back up and work at the taqueria--of which I was informed tonight by a customer was not a real taqueria as they are in Mexico (we're in America, oh and Baja Mexico isn't Mexico either by the way) and who barged in speaking spanish to me (though he was fully fluent in english) and then talking over my shoulder to the spanish-speaking cooks in the back calling me a gringa with a distasteful tone in his voice, also another reason it didn't qualify as a real taqueria, asking for menu items that were not on the menu, but would have been had it been a real taqueria, telling me that "they know" (my latino co-workers/cooks) what the food "should" be like (ignorant?? stereotyping??? anyone?), etc etc etc and getting frustrated with me because I didn't ring out in fluent spanish to answer his questions (once again, America....) Unfortunately for him, I understood his espanol...though I'm a bit rusty and unconfident in my speaking ability. But seeing as I was being judged right and left for what A) didn't have anything to do with me---I don't choose the menu items or how the food is prepared and B) his pre-conceived notion that I am a white, upper middle class, uncultured, ignorant girl from Mesa who when craving some "real mexican food", heads to Rubios, I pulled out my rusty spanish and did my best to answer his questions in a language that is not the primary language spoken in the country he and I both live in. Ironically, his company resembled me--blonde haired "gringas"..... and unbeknownst to him, I actually do know what real mexican food is and have been to, by his standards, a "real taqueria", in fact I used to drive 40 minutes south of Portland to Lucia's just to get a real carnitas burrito and horchata occasionally, which I would order in yes, espanol.

That was me venting.

Anyway. I haven't had much time to post.

Re-calling the last few months of my life (basically from my 26th birthday to now) to you I would probably use words like: lost, confused, abandoned, forsaken, lost (again), broken, directionless, struggling, tired, frustrated, sad, hurt, angry, tired (again), really tired, stagnated, at a loss for understanding, broken down, at the bottom, without hope, hanging by a thread, at the end of my rope, head under water, heart-broken, and once again, lost.

The fact that something in my life ends up breaking about every two weeks (car, external hard drive, car, computer, car, keyboard) and financial blunders like the cost to repair or replace such items, two speeding tickets (which imo were completely undeserved) and a credit card bill that was never received in the mail, or the actual card, which made an under $20 purchase end up costing $50 when all was said and done (no mercy for the first time offender apparently), when all I was TRYING to do was get out of debt and get a move on in my life (i.e. NEW YORK!!!), has only added additional insult to injury.

Needless to say, most days for the past 3 months have left me feeling and resembling something like this:

(Thank you to my adorable niece, Ella, for so perfectly describing my sentiment without words. I know how you feel, sista friend.)

Angels and Unseen Miracles

Despite the running theme of emotional turmoil and frustration in my life, I would be remiss if I didn't recognize the occasional swooping in of "angels" and "miracles" that have made their way along my path almost undetected until I took a step back to reflect---random visits, phone calls, beautiful sunrises and sunsets that remind me that there is joy and beauty in the world and extend my perspective even if just to get me from one day to the next (like this one)

conversations that I needed to have that shed a little light on my life, the friend who came by one morning: "hey I was thinking of you, I'm taking you to breakfast" and then proceeded to spend the entire day with me to keep me distracted and not without company on one of the most anxiety-filled days of my life. When I thanked this friend for her support that day she said, "Oh, of course. I love you. You just popped into my head and I knew what God was telling me; I headed straight over." I have thought back on that day and this friend of mine with tears in my eyes and am tearing up as I write this. This is partly because I love this friend and I miss her, but also because God knew exactly what I was going through in a very personal, specific way and what I might need to help me through it. Although I feel a little undeserving, I'm in awe that he would care and love me that much. I also find myself emotional because my friend's un-hesitated action in response to that prompting blessed my life tremendously and reminded me that God knew who I was and where I was and what I needed, which in itself was something I needed. Even despite how seemingly unpretentious and ordinary her actions may have looked to an outsider, in some small way she saved me that day. And then I think: how many times have I received a similar feeling or thought about someone in my life and pushed it aside or forgotten about it or been too busy and selfish to recognize it? What if my friend had reacted similarly that day? I am so grateful she hadn't and I am sad for the times someone may have needed me or I may have needed someone and God wasn't able to use us to help each other because of the busy signal we put on the call. She has taught me a valuable lesson. When I think about what it would have felt like to have spent that day alone, I am so grateful she responded to that call.

Then there was the person in the huge truck that came up behind my tiny Honda Civic in the army of cars that were heading in my direction from behind going twice as fast as I was as my car was breaking down and losing power on the freeway, and who somehow just knew what was going on with me and what to do, and sticking right behind me, made each lane change across the 6 lane freeway with me until I made it safely to the shoulder. And the other man who pulled over to assist me on the side of the road and make sure I wasn't stranded in that 110+ degree heat. And then there was the unseen force that compelled the 1,000 lb elk in the middle of the road to wait a second longer before charging at my car at 2:30 AM in the middle of nowhere, southern Oregon on my drive up I-5 and the force that kept the elk to the right from reacting at all, allowing me to slip through them almost unscathed, with only a cosmetic dent to my hood and a little bit of a scared adrenaline rush.

The reminder that God answers prayers, if not when and how we want. Almost a year ago I lost my car keys in Teton Village in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. (see this post, item #1 and item #6) I prayed with faith that we would find those keys and believed whole-heartedly that we would. And then we didn't. I didn't understand why but there was nothing I could do. When I got a call from my brother several weeks ago that my Honda car keys were found among his race equipment that had been sifted through several times over the past year during his Epic Relay events I didn't really know what to think. "Well, God answers prayers," Michael said. "Sure," I thought. But, it felt more like a slap in the face. That doesn't help me at all. I had to re-key my car. Those keys wouldn't work now. And I went through so much trouble and money those two days in WY, UT, WY, ID, UT (see the post) in dealing with the situation. "God answers prayers, but it doesn't help me," my limited understanding was beating back at me. At the time this experience almost fueled more anger at the pathetic life situation I was finding myself in. But now, somehow, as I've strived to understand and stop and listen and learn, I'm finding the true meaning of that experience: God answers prayers. Period. He knows what we need to experience. Period. He answered my prayer that we would find the keys. Maybe it felt like a cruel joke when I first found out. But now it feels like a blessed bit of information. God answers prayers.

Then there was the tear-ridden walk I set off on alone, in desperation for just "something", "anything" to rid me of the plague of pain spreading in my heart that found me atop a hill at the memorial cemetery overlooking Portland. The clouds parted and the sun was shining through. A brilliant beginning to a majestic sunset broke my anguished and tearful pleadings for even a semblance of an answer, which I felt I had too long been deprived of, with the words that were clearly spoken to my mind: "Be still. And know that I am God." Had I been truly listening I would have recognized that God prepared me with that information a few weeks prior because I had written those exact words in my journal--I don't remember why or what the circumstance was, but they were there as I discovered later, as sort of a prep to the phase of "running around like a chicken with my head cut off" attitude that I ended up finding myself in. It still took me a few weeks after this hilltop revelation to really take the advice to heart. But most poignant was that I knew and know who God is, with an awe-like reverence for his power, love and brilliant omniscience. I wanted more. I wanted clear directions. I wanted miraculous intervention. What He gave me was all I really needed to know: I am God. Stop freaking out.

Resistance Training

Another "angel" dropped by today in the form of a phone call from a very gifted person in the art of healing. I didn't even hear the phone ring but just looked over as the call was coming in. This visit resulted in a tutorial on the subject of spiritual resistance training. When we want to build muscle and "get buff", we put our body through necessary pain to strengthen it. We create tears in our muscles...we RIP up our muscles!!! and force them to repair themselves with more tissue so that the next time we use them they are ready for the weight we want them to carry. We get stronger. Our body/mind knows this will happen, but our muscles certainly don't like it. As I'm currently in week 3 of P90x I am reminded of this on a regular basis--Yoga Belly 7 has left my stomach muscles with acute pain from the stress put on them yesterday. But, as I know too well and am reminded by my fav trainers to love/hate Jillian Michaels and Tony Horton--when you're shaking, when you're on those last few reps, when you're fighting just to get through, THAT's when change happens. Good change (I hope.) The kind of change you look forward to, like flabby mid-section turning to 6-pack abs change. Yeah, my stomach muscles hurt today as I moved around at both of my jobs, but I know it'll be worth it. In a similar way, God sometimes forces us into a spiritual workout routine that leaves us tired and ripped up. He pushes us beyond the capacity of what we think we can do into the realm of magnificent change. But in the interim, our spiritual muscles are tearing and it HURTS! It hurts and we want it to stop and we don't see how it's helping and if we're not careful we may not see that He is still standing there beside us ready to spot us if the weight gets too heavy or if we feel like giving up.

"Let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith" (Hebrews 12:1-2.) If it were up to me, my race would have been over in December. But here it is August, and somehow, I'm still running. He knows how far we need to run to make it to the better finish. I recall the half marathon I ran in February. As a runner you may often come to understand the term "hitting a wall." I hit my wall around mile 10 of my 13.1 mile race. I had taken shot blocks to sustain my energy and hydrated every mile with my camelback but the last few miles of my race were still met with screaming calf muscles which were turning into cramps and a fading will. I had been running straight for about an hour and 50 minutes. As I rounded the bend into the last two miles of the race, a straight stretch at a steady uphill incline to the finish, I set out with determination. I thought of "The Old Man in the Sea" by Ernest Hemingway. The old man fought for days to bring down a mighty fish (bigger than his skiff) that would not easily surrender. In Hemingway's fictional story, an 80 year-old man toughed it out on the sea with no food or water and bloody and cramped hands from clinging onto and pulling back the rope that held his prize. He never complained, he never doubted, he just told his hand to stop cramping!!! As I ran up Thomas Rd with little energy and screaming calves I meditated on the old man in the sea and phrases like, "mind over matter", "calm within the storm", "relax", "no pain". I was in pain. And I was tired. But as I got to the end I exerted a surge of energy that propelled me forward through the last stretch to the finish. I was full out running! I don't know how. Though I was beaten and tired and seemingly worse and more hurt than before I set out on my race that morning---I somehow was stronger. My barriers of what I could and couldn't do had been stretched. I could have done anything that day. I ran a half marathon (UNDER my goal time!) Let's do it again! I thought. Nah. I'm saving the full marathon for next February :).

The point is, though I may be tired and weak and feel lost, I'm still running. God knows where we're headed and why, and we have to hold on to hope that we'll finish and feel stronger than before. I have to hope that the reward will be worth it.

Similar to my hilltop revelation, I recently received an answer to my tender pleadings, "Are you aware of me? Are you even there? How am I going accomplish what I need to?" The voice spoke clear again: "Fear not, I am with you."

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed, For I am thy God and will still give thee aid; I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go, The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow; For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie, My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply; The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

Even down to old age all My people shall prove My sovereign, eternal, unchangeable love; And when hoary hairs shall their temples adorn, Like lambs they shall still in My bosom be borne.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose, I will not, I will not desert to its foes; That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.

keep.on.running

Catherine