My Music


Sunday, June 10, 2012

Opening Up

As one of my 5 readers, you may have noticed that, I haven't written in a while.  I can't really say (no pun intended) why this is.  I posted in the last few months about having a "broken mouth" and this is truly how I feel a lot of the time.  It's not that I don't have anything to say.  I have so much to say.  It's almost gotten to the point that it's painful that I can't say it.  I have several partially formulated drafts just sitting in my blog account and even more wheeling around in my mind.  And I don't know why I can't speak.  But for the sake of, at least energetically speaking, being available to and willing to change that story, I'm gonna start.  And it may come out awkwardly at first.  And I may need to make a few midnight ramblings like this one.  But I'm hoping I'll have something concrete to say about what I've learned over the last year or so, and where my journey is now.  And, as sometimes painfully transparent as that is, I hope you'll go with me.


I have been extremely nostalgic lately.  It seems like everywhere I turn something reminds me of the past: times, that, no matter how eventful or gray or up or down, are held in this beautiful space for me that when indulged in thought for too long is almost too much to hold.  I've been honoring that by leaning into it a little bit.  I made a playlist of songs that bring me back to that "place" in time, which I of course entitled Nostalgia.  I started calling friends I miss, recalling old adventures to mind, old mindsets, beautiful moments, not so beautiful moments.  It began with missing the two and a half(ish) transforming and beautiful years I spent in Arizona from May 09-Jan 12.  I miss going on a run on a beautiful, warm January day.  I miss the open skies and breathtaking sunsets and sunrises.  I miss the Mesa temple.  I miss my friends. My friends!!!! If you're reading this, I miss you.  Finer things club, Scottsdale art walks, indie movie nights, long bike rides by the canal at night, neighborhood bike rides, thai food, Tempe town lakes, running! so much running, music nights, long talks... it goes on.  After leaning into this, I began missing summers in Portland, my childhood in San Diego, beach camping in Carlsbad, Balboa Park.  All of these times, though not always momentous, felt magical and I am missing that.

I've been leaning into the feeling and acknowledging its presence.  However, because of a lot of the "work" I've done to get to where I am now, I understand that the past is not real.  Because, the only "time" that is real is right NOW.  The past is only a memory of a recent or distant present.  We can never go back into the past, because we can only exist in the present moment.  If I went back to any of these places right now (physically speaking), I may or may not have a magical experience, but the point is that it would be a new experience, it would be a present experience.  I realize that I have to bring the magic into where I am now.  Because there may be a day that I will be missing the exact moment I'm in, the time when I lived in the "pirate ship" (what we call our house) in Salt Lake City and all of the ups and downs of this present moment.  And I wouldn't want to live this or remember this experience with my head stuck in the (past) clouds.

I told my roommate my situation the other day and she made an insightful comment that went something like, "nostalgia comes up when we don't have a clear picture of what's coming up next."  Essentially, our minds don't know what's up ahead so we delve into the past for whatever we're wanting the present/future to be.  Whether we're searching for connection, for meaning, purpose, friends, or for life to be "magical" as I put it, we'll go looking for it in the past because it's all our mind knows.  I feel fortunate to have such a smart roommate.  I'm not mad at my nostalgia or the fact that it's showing up something fierce right now.  My past memories are beautiful things that I want to cherish and remember.  But I also know for a fact that my path right now is super unknown.  I'm moving forward, with hope and somewhat of a vision that I'm formulating for myself, and with a desire to create some new and wonderful things in my life.  But as scary and exciting as it is (two adjectives that completely describe my life right now), there are some days when I don't know what my life will look like two days from now let alone two months or twelve months.  It feels like taking two steps into the darkness hoping that the light will follow.  And it requires faith to do so.  So I step into the darkness, staying true to what I know, how I feel, and what I believe, having full determination that this synchronous rhythm I'm following will lead me to where I want to go.  And that's my story for now.

Thanks for listening.  Please comment if you have any thoughts.

"I do not ask to see the distant scene, one step enough for me."


Tara : Damon said...

sometimes i feel like i am not allowed to feel nostalgic because i am settled down or whatever my life is now. but lately a lot of times i find my mind going back and living in memories of the fun i had in college/provo, the mistakes and triumphs and huge feelings (good and bad) that i had... because sometimes i feel like i don't have them now- everything is 'planned' and on a certain 'path' for the next little bit at least. i try not to wallow in memories and 'remember whens' but i find it happening a lot.

Tara : Damon said...

and i miss you.

Camille said...

Your friends miss you too! I work near Dana Park now and everyday I drive by there I think of the one run we had there. Oh I miss the running too!
I think these feelings are very, very normal! Even being married knowing you have it great sometimes you miss the people you had when single. Sometimes when it's hot I think back to high school and cool summers and miss those times. I always miss living in Utah around the 4th of July.
I think nostalgia is the mind's way of reflecting on the good in life and remembering that there were happy times at many phases. The trick is to not let it rob you of the present. It sounds like you aren't!
You are missed and we need to chat sometime soon! And please tell me these feelings are transferring into a song!

Camille said...

I just left a long comment that didn't post, so sorry if this duplicates.
You are missed too! I think of you every time I go running! I work by Dana Park now, and I think of our one run there almost daily. I miss my youth in Utah often, particularly on the hot summer days. I always miss it on the 4th of July.
I think nostalgia is a gift that reminds us of the happiness in life. Even if we are uncertain now, we know that there is good at all times and all situations to be had. It's a wonderful blessing to realize the positive, beautiful things we've experienced in life.
We need to chat soon, I miss you lots! I also hope these feelings are being poured out into a song :)

Catherine said...

Tara: I miss you too. I had a security code the other day that said ffecyou...I thought...if those words were turned around a little...that would be amazing. When will I see you again? You need to come visit me in the pirate ship. And I need to meet your little red-headed bandit. I "ffecyou".

(I have to "publish"/approve the comments so that's why it didn't show up!) I need to know about your job! Are you working at Tia Rosa's near Dana Park?! ha. JK! I miss you sooo! And all of our good times, ESPECIALLY going for long runs and talking about life. I miss that a lot right now. And I miss being in shape. But I miss you more :). Call me!