This Year

Christmas has come early this year.  A few weeks ago I daringly sought out to complete a Christmas EP in time for the holiday season and now I sit here in contemplation at the culmination of it all, on the exact day I released my first EP, The Truth, one year ago.

We sent off the finished product to iTunes/AmazonMP3/Spotify at 5 a.m. this morning so if everything goes as planned it will be up tomorrow! Physical CDs, show dates, and a really exciting holiday give-away are in the works, but for right now I just want to sit and breathe and share with you what this process has been for me.

With the encouragement of my artist coach and good friend, Trina Harmon, I made this album a healing project for me.  As is true with most artists, if it heals you, it heals other people, if it resonates with you, it's gonna resonate with others.  Though I had written one of the songs a couple years ago and was partly through another one, this project really began the night I picked up my guitar and started recording "Do You Hear What I Hear?"  It was my favorite Christmas song when I was little and I was counseled to share what was in my heart, what I love, and sing it in the vein of what I'm feeling right now.

With the help of my good friend and former co-worker, Dallas Rowley, I then completely re-vamped a Christmas song I wrote two years ago, the title track, "Merry Christmas, Dear" into a driving holiday anthem and re-arranged "Silent Night" into a wistful, nighttime lullaby.  He also contributed greatly to another original, "Christmas in You" played on the ukulele!!!! (I was excited about that) with essential elements such as hand claps, shaker, sleigh bells and lest we forget, mouth trumpet!  The music teacher at my elementary school, Mr. Kingsley also came through for me with some real trumpet, though the mouth trumpet was pretty rockin' on its own.

The album wraps with a song that ended up being, I feel, the real reason my soul felt compelled to make this album right now.  When I sat down two weeks ago today I didn't know what was going to come out, but I remember Trina's advice to write my pain into this album and find healing for myself.  So, that's what I did.

What came out was a song called

THIS YEAR.

My story is my own.

I suppose somewhere deep inside my soul I wanted to grow this year.  I wanted to feel real love.  And I wanted to expand myself.  So, life offered up a series of events/experiences that provided just that.  I like to say life backed me up into a corner and punched me in the gut to make me change, cut me down so I could grow into something better.

As I sat there and wrote this song I thought about you--you know who you are.  I thought about how much I love you.  I thought about everything we've been through.  I thought about all the crappy times we spent by each other's side.  I thought about the beauty of having you there for every crappy time (you know we didn't use that word ;).  I thought about the monumental moments, the milestones, the laughter, the small, insignificant moments, the place I hold you in my heart.  I thought about everything I wished and hoped for and feeling like I found it and then feeling it slip through my fingers again.  I thought about watching you grow.  I thought about the things we longed for, the things we lost. I thought about all of the failures we went through and the successes that are starting to come our way.  I thought about how you feel like home and how I never wanted that feeling to go away.  And I thought about having to let you go.

I thought about another You--You know who You are.  How I've never been closer to You than I was this year.  How it felt when I lost You and couldn't seem to find you anywhere, except for in the beauty of a sunrise or sunset.  I held onto those.  I thought about all the times I stopped to ask you, "Do You still love me? Are You still aware of me?" I thought about the angels--seen and unseen--you sent along my way to help me get through.

I thought about the loneliness that we felt.

I thought about my co-worker whose sister was diagnosed with cancer.

I thought about my friend who is raising her children on her own after 15 years of marriage.

I thought about our family friends who lost their two month old baby a month ago.  I thought about their pain and loss.

This year has been a life-altering one.  It's been a year for expansion, growth, pain, love, faith, endurance, knowledge, sacrifice, trust, believing, learning, trial, understanding, hope, experience and did I mention endurance?  I look back knowing there were so many joyful, enlightening moments.  I felt love in a way I never have experienced before and found it in so many different sources, including within myself.  I also felt sorrow like I never have before.  We went through so much this year.  We watched our lives rise and fall from hopeful to bittersweet disappointment and ecstatic happiness to heartbreaking despair back and forth like rolling waves. 

As I began to sing the words sitting at the piano that day, I broke into heavy sobs.

This was a healing moment for me.  In acknowledging your pain you also acknowledge how much that person, experience, event meant to you.  How it changed you.  

As I transitioned into the words of the beloved Christmas song, "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas,"  I came to peace with this year.  I carry it in my heart.  I'm grateful for the love.  I'm grateful for the change.  I'm grateful for every moment that tested us and every tear we shed.  Because I love you even more for that.

I truly honestly in my heart pray these words are true, that our troubles will be far away, that our hearts may be light this Christmas and that someday soon we will all be together.

THIS YEAR

by Catherine Papworth

This year, we started with high hopes this year

but how were we supposed to know

when we stepped out on this road,

we'd end up with broken bones this year

This year, life was like a closing door this year

our hearts a casualty of war

and though we fought through the storm,

it wasn't all we planned it for this year

And I want you to know,

before I let you go

that I carry in my heart this year.

So have yourself a merry little Christmas

let your heart be light

next year all our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

make the yuletide gay

from now on our troubles will be miles away

And I want you to know,

before I let you go

that I've never loved you more than this year

Someday soon we all will be together

if the fates allow

until then we'll have to muddle through somehow

so have yourself a merry little Christmas

have yourself a merry little Christmas

have yourself a merry little Christmas 

now.

Now it's your turn.  I invite you to share YOUR STORY.  What did this year mean to you?  What did you go through that changed you?  How have you found peace through your experiences?  What do you hope for in the coming year?

Peace, love and Christmas music,

Catherine

Airplanes in the sky

I saw these bi-planes on my walk the other day and it made me think of grandpa.  He had this passion for planes and flying.  He was building a plane in the backyard just before he died.  He used to have this sign on the wall next to the dining table that with the family name and was surrounded by wooden bi-planes. So, when I saw these the other day, I had to stop and snap a shot of them and reminisce.

I put my iphone ipod on shuffle on my walk tonight:

1. Late Bloomer / Allie Moss

2. Beach Baby / Bon Iver

3. Grown Ocean / Fleet Foxes

4. Beat It / Pomplamoose

5. Tug of War / Catherine Papworth *hahaha!

6. Towers / Bon Iver

7. Nature Boy / Pomplamoose

8. Call Your Girlfriend / Robyn

9. Sort Of / Ingrid Michaelson

10. Machine Gun / Sara Bareilles

10. The Way I Am / Ingrid Michaelson (Daytrotter session)

11. Every Teardrop is a Waterfall / Coldplay

something.about.the.moon.makes.me.think.of.you

Spilled Milk

It's been over 110 degrees all week so we've had "rainy day" schedule, i.e. recess indoors every day. Yesterday, I was walking through campus and a class of 1st graders were heading from the cafeteria back to the classroom. Some of them, who didn't get to finish their lunch, had their leftover lunch trays in tow. I had barely come up behind them when a little boy accidentally stepped on the shoelace of a chubby little red-headed boy, which caused the said shoelace to untie, stop him in his tracks and made him fall to the ground. His tray went flying and he immediately began to wail. It started out as an accidental fall, but as he realized what had happened he began to protest getting up and seemed to want to stay on the ground in mourning over the fact that he had been unfairly tripped (although it really was an accident) and as a result, his carrots, pineapple and milk carton had spilled on the ground. I almost walked by, seeing as his aide would probably become aware of the situation or maybe he was old enough to handle it himself. He looked older than he was...a little heftier and taller than most 1st graders. But, I suddenly had compassion for the little guy and realized it was obviously my duty to stop and make sure he was okay.
When I got to him tears were streaming and he seemed to be in despair. I checked his knees for scrapes but he was fine. His tears seemed to be more out of emotional pain than anything physical. Through sobs he said, "But I really wanted to drink that!" I picked up his milk carton and found that it was still relatively full. I said, "I'm sorry, but there is still some left. Okay?" He knodded, calming down a little. His sobs slowed and as I picked up what was salvageable, he gathered the courage to stand back up.

"Did your shoe come untied?"
"Yeah."
"Hm, you should probably tie it before you walk back to class, huh?"
Breaking into full out sobs again, "I don't know HOW to tie my shoes!!!"

Part of me wanted to laugh, but then I felt for the little guy. I knew that this wasn't the end of the world and not all was lost. Even if he did lose out on getting to drink his milk that day, the day would still go on and by the next morning he may have forgotten about the whole thing. But, even knowing that, my heart felt for his tears and the sadness that overwhelmed him over something so small yet important to him. Someday he would learn to tie his own shoe, learn to pick up his own spilled milk, and get up after being knocked down. But, today he needed a little assistance. I tied his shoe, put his tray back in his hands, wiped a tear from his cheek and said, "it's gonna be okay. Okay?" He knodded, took a deep breath to gather himself and walked back to class, a little more discheveled and behind the rest of the group, but still intact.

As I walked back to my classroom I thought, 'I wonder if this is how God reacts when my car breaks down on the freeway and I cry the whole way home or the boy I really wanted it to work out with doesn't choose me and I feel like wallowing?' He knows it's gonna be okay. But I'm sure He still feels for the way it hurts inside. Sometimes He ties our "spiritual shoes" and wipes away our tears and picks us up off the ground and tells us directly "it's gonna be okay." Other times He might be there cheering us on, but it might be our turn to prove to ourselves we can stand up on our own and learn how to tie our own shoes.

Just a thought. The next time I want to cry over spilled milk I'm going to remember the chubby little red-headed boy. It's gonna be okay.

Resistance Training

It has been a long time since I've posted, as Kim reminded me recently. Between my job at the elementary school starting back up and work at the taqueria--of which I was informed tonight by a customer was not a real taqueria as they are in Mexico (we're in America, oh and Baja Mexico isn't Mexico either by the way) and who barged in speaking spanish to me (though he was fully fluent in english) and then talking over my shoulder to the spanish-speaking cooks in the back calling me a gringa with a distasteful tone in his voice, also another reason it didn't qualify as a real taqueria, asking for menu items that were not on the menu, but would have been had it been a real taqueria, telling me that "they know" (my latino co-workers/cooks) what the food "should" be like (ignorant?? stereotyping??? anyone?), etc etc etc and getting frustrated with me because I didn't ring out in fluent spanish to answer his questions (once again, America....) Unfortunately for him, I understood his espanol...though I'm a bit rusty and unconfident in my speaking ability. But seeing as I was being judged right and left for what A) didn't have anything to do with me---I don't choose the menu items or how the food is prepared and B) his pre-conceived notion that I am a white, upper middle class, uncultured, ignorant girl from Mesa who when craving some "real mexican food", heads to Rubios, I pulled out my rusty spanish and did my best to answer his questions in a language that is not the primary language spoken in the country he and I both live in. Ironically, his company resembled me--blonde haired "gringas"..... and unbeknownst to him, I actually do know what real mexican food is and have been to, by his standards, a "real taqueria", in fact I used to drive 40 minutes south of Portland to Lucia's just to get a real carnitas burrito and horchata occasionally, which I would order in yes, espanol.

That was me venting.

Anyway. I haven't had much time to post.

Re-calling the last few months of my life (basically from my 26th birthday to now) to you I would probably use words like: lost, confused, abandoned, forsaken, lost (again), broken, directionless, struggling, tired, frustrated, sad, hurt, angry, tired (again), really tired, stagnated, at a loss for understanding, broken down, at the bottom, without hope, hanging by a thread, at the end of my rope, head under water, heart-broken, and once again, lost.

The fact that something in my life ends up breaking about every two weeks (car, external hard drive, car, computer, car, keyboard) and financial blunders like the cost to repair or replace such items, two speeding tickets (which imo were completely undeserved) and a credit card bill that was never received in the mail, or the actual card, which made an under $20 purchase end up costing $50 when all was said and done (no mercy for the first time offender apparently), when all I was TRYING to do was get out of debt and get a move on in my life (i.e. NEW YORK!!!), has only added additional insult to injury.

Needless to say, most days for the past 3 months have left me feeling and resembling something like this:

(Thank you to my adorable niece, Ella, for so perfectly describing my sentiment without words. I know how you feel, sista friend.)

Angels and Unseen Miracles

Despite the running theme of emotional turmoil and frustration in my life, I would be remiss if I didn't recognize the occasional swooping in of "angels" and "miracles" that have made their way along my path almost undetected until I took a step back to reflect---random visits, phone calls, beautiful sunrises and sunsets that remind me that there is joy and beauty in the world and extend my perspective even if just to get me from one day to the next (like this one)

conversations that I needed to have that shed a little light on my life, the friend who came by one morning: "hey I was thinking of you, I'm taking you to breakfast" and then proceeded to spend the entire day with me to keep me distracted and not without company on one of the most anxiety-filled days of my life. When I thanked this friend for her support that day she said, "Oh, of course. I love you. You just popped into my head and I knew what God was telling me; I headed straight over." I have thought back on that day and this friend of mine with tears in my eyes and am tearing up as I write this. This is partly because I love this friend and I miss her, but also because God knew exactly what I was going through in a very personal, specific way and what I might need to help me through it. Although I feel a little undeserving, I'm in awe that he would care and love me that much. I also find myself emotional because my friend's un-hesitated action in response to that prompting blessed my life tremendously and reminded me that God knew who I was and where I was and what I needed, which in itself was something I needed. Even despite how seemingly unpretentious and ordinary her actions may have looked to an outsider, in some small way she saved me that day. And then I think: how many times have I received a similar feeling or thought about someone in my life and pushed it aside or forgotten about it or been too busy and selfish to recognize it? What if my friend had reacted similarly that day? I am so grateful she hadn't and I am sad for the times someone may have needed me or I may have needed someone and God wasn't able to use us to help each other because of the busy signal we put on the call. She has taught me a valuable lesson. When I think about what it would have felt like to have spent that day alone, I am so grateful she responded to that call.

Then there was the person in the huge truck that came up behind my tiny Honda Civic in the army of cars that were heading in my direction from behind going twice as fast as I was as my car was breaking down and losing power on the freeway, and who somehow just knew what was going on with me and what to do, and sticking right behind me, made each lane change across the 6 lane freeway with me until I made it safely to the shoulder. And the other man who pulled over to assist me on the side of the road and make sure I wasn't stranded in that 110+ degree heat. And then there was the unseen force that compelled the 1,000 lb elk in the middle of the road to wait a second longer before charging at my car at 2:30 AM in the middle of nowhere, southern Oregon on my drive up I-5 and the force that kept the elk to the right from reacting at all, allowing me to slip through them almost unscathed, with only a cosmetic dent to my hood and a little bit of a scared adrenaline rush.

The reminder that God answers prayers, if not when and how we want. Almost a year ago I lost my car keys in Teton Village in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. (see this post, item #1 and item #6) I prayed with faith that we would find those keys and believed whole-heartedly that we would. And then we didn't. I didn't understand why but there was nothing I could do. When I got a call from my brother several weeks ago that my Honda car keys were found among his race equipment that had been sifted through several times over the past year during his Epic Relay events I didn't really know what to think. "Well, God answers prayers," Michael said. "Sure," I thought. But, it felt more like a slap in the face. That doesn't help me at all. I had to re-key my car. Those keys wouldn't work now. And I went through so much trouble and money those two days in WY, UT, WY, ID, UT (see the post) in dealing with the situation. "God answers prayers, but it doesn't help me," my limited understanding was beating back at me. At the time this experience almost fueled more anger at the pathetic life situation I was finding myself in. But now, somehow, as I've strived to understand and stop and listen and learn, I'm finding the true meaning of that experience: God answers prayers. Period. He knows what we need to experience. Period. He answered my prayer that we would find the keys. Maybe it felt like a cruel joke when I first found out. But now it feels like a blessed bit of information. God answers prayers.

Then there was the tear-ridden walk I set off on alone, in desperation for just "something", "anything" to rid me of the plague of pain spreading in my heart that found me atop a hill at the memorial cemetery overlooking Portland. The clouds parted and the sun was shining through. A brilliant beginning to a majestic sunset broke my anguished and tearful pleadings for even a semblance of an answer, which I felt I had too long been deprived of, with the words that were clearly spoken to my mind: "Be still. And know that I am God." Had I been truly listening I would have recognized that God prepared me with that information a few weeks prior because I had written those exact words in my journal--I don't remember why or what the circumstance was, but they were there as I discovered later, as sort of a prep to the phase of "running around like a chicken with my head cut off" attitude that I ended up finding myself in. It still took me a few weeks after this hilltop revelation to really take the advice to heart. But most poignant was that I knew and know who God is, with an awe-like reverence for his power, love and brilliant omniscience. I wanted more. I wanted clear directions. I wanted miraculous intervention. What He gave me was all I really needed to know: I am God. Stop freaking out.

Resistance Training

Another "angel" dropped by today in the form of a phone call from a very gifted person in the art of healing. I didn't even hear the phone ring but just looked over as the call was coming in. This visit resulted in a tutorial on the subject of spiritual resistance training. When we want to build muscle and "get buff", we put our body through necessary pain to strengthen it. We create tears in our muscles...we RIP up our muscles!!! and force them to repair themselves with more tissue so that the next time we use them they are ready for the weight we want them to carry. We get stronger. Our body/mind knows this will happen, but our muscles certainly don't like it. As I'm currently in week 3 of P90x I am reminded of this on a regular basis--Yoga Belly 7 has left my stomach muscles with acute pain from the stress put on them yesterday. But, as I know too well and am reminded by my fav trainers to love/hate Jillian Michaels and Tony Horton--when you're shaking, when you're on those last few reps, when you're fighting just to get through, THAT's when change happens. Good change (I hope.) The kind of change you look forward to, like flabby mid-section turning to 6-pack abs change. Yeah, my stomach muscles hurt today as I moved around at both of my jobs, but I know it'll be worth it. In a similar way, God sometimes forces us into a spiritual workout routine that leaves us tired and ripped up. He pushes us beyond the capacity of what we think we can do into the realm of magnificent change. But in the interim, our spiritual muscles are tearing and it HURTS! It hurts and we want it to stop and we don't see how it's helping and if we're not careful we may not see that He is still standing there beside us ready to spot us if the weight gets too heavy or if we feel like giving up.

"Let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith" (Hebrews 12:1-2.) If it were up to me, my race would have been over in December. But here it is August, and somehow, I'm still running. He knows how far we need to run to make it to the better finish. I recall the half marathon I ran in February. As a runner you may often come to understand the term "hitting a wall." I hit my wall around mile 10 of my 13.1 mile race. I had taken shot blocks to sustain my energy and hydrated every mile with my camelback but the last few miles of my race were still met with screaming calf muscles which were turning into cramps and a fading will. I had been running straight for about an hour and 50 minutes. As I rounded the bend into the last two miles of the race, a straight stretch at a steady uphill incline to the finish, I set out with determination. I thought of "The Old Man in the Sea" by Ernest Hemingway. The old man fought for days to bring down a mighty fish (bigger than his skiff) that would not easily surrender. In Hemingway's fictional story, an 80 year-old man toughed it out on the sea with no food or water and bloody and cramped hands from clinging onto and pulling back the rope that held his prize. He never complained, he never doubted, he just told his hand to stop cramping!!! As I ran up Thomas Rd with little energy and screaming calves I meditated on the old man in the sea and phrases like, "mind over matter", "calm within the storm", "relax", "no pain". I was in pain. And I was tired. But as I got to the end I exerted a surge of energy that propelled me forward through the last stretch to the finish. I was full out running! I don't know how. Though I was beaten and tired and seemingly worse and more hurt than before I set out on my race that morning---I somehow was stronger. My barriers of what I could and couldn't do had been stretched. I could have done anything that day. I ran a half marathon (UNDER my goal time!) Let's do it again! I thought. Nah. I'm saving the full marathon for next February :).

The point is, though I may be tired and weak and feel lost, I'm still running. God knows where we're headed and why, and we have to hold on to hope that we'll finish and feel stronger than before. I have to hope that the reward will be worth it.

Similar to my hilltop revelation, I recently received an answer to my tender pleadings, "Are you aware of me? Are you even there? How am I going accomplish what I need to?" The voice spoke clear again: "Fear not, I am with you."

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed, For I am thy God and will still give thee aid; I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go, The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow; For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie, My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply; The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

Even down to old age all My people shall prove My sovereign, eternal, unchangeable love; And when hoary hairs shall their temples adorn, Like lambs they shall still in My bosom be borne.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose, I will not, I will not desert to its foes; That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.

keep.on.running

Catherine

Amour Ultime

I know that Arizona (despite its arid ground cover) is known to have some of the most amazing sunsets, AND upon exiting this place (pictured above) I usually tend to experience an enlarged amount of peace and perspective, but...it seems that whenever I look to the West from those steps, the sky ALWAYS speaks to my soul.

I walked out of the temple the other night to find this vision before me. I commented on facebook that God is the most beautiful painter. It's true, don't you think? Sometimes I think we're all mini-artists being tutored by the great One upstairs...our creativity is just a manifestation of His goodness and love inside of us. I could attempt at best to mimic such a beautiful picture on an empty canvas...but his masterpieces are made with the elements of the sky themselves. Think about the kind of energy that would take!!!! Light and love incarnate. If we are created by Him, we must carry that same beauty inside of us.

Love of God is the root from which spring all other types of love; love of God is the root of all virtue, of all goodness, of all strength of character, of all fidelity to do right....Whenever other love fades, there will be that shining transcendent, everlasting love of God for each of us and the love of His Son, who gave His life for us. -President Gordon B. Hinckley

i'm.willing.to.stake.everything.on.this

Today...

Today.....I'm a vegetarian.

Today.....I'm moving to New York.

Today.....I'm going in the direction of my dreams.

Today.....I become stronger. Day 1 of P90x. Goodbye 20 lbs. Hello size 4/6.

Today.....I begin my creative recovery (attempt #2). 12 weeks. Day 1 morning pages better than expected.

Today.....I learned to sing in French.

Today.....you made me smile.

What decisions did you make, journeys did you begin, or great things happened to you today?

I think I'm going to watch this video every morning so I make sure I start the day with a smile on my face. Livin' it up!!!! hahahaha!

i.like.how.you.end.your.thoughts.this.way

Belief

Despite what John Mayer says about it, (side note: I love that song by the way and agree with its sentiment...but this is not what I'm saying.)

Belief is everything. It is the core within you that starts the fire. Everything extends from there. That makes it all the more important that you are careful what you believe. Question every belief that doesn't allow you to be your best self. Embrace and cultivate the beliefs that invite you to live well, love purely (that includes yourself) and do good. In time you will break out of the shell of self doubt you are encompassed about in now and arise as the amazing creature you were always intended to be.

-that one was from me.

Best day ever

Apparently I could die of radiation poisoning tomorrow when the plume from Japan hits California but it's okay because today I made peace with God on my run along the ocean, undertook an exercise of letting go of the past and visualizing the (awesome and limitless) future, overcame a personal inhibition and decided to trust myself and try something I never thought I was good at (drawing, a precursor to painting which medium I have decided to undertake in 2011) which is turning out pretty well I must say, laid out on the beach and worked on my tan, accomplished the realization of not one but two childhood dreams, went on a dusk lit walk in one of my favorite places in the world--Balboa park, enjoyed a bike ride on Coronado island and found my dream house and subsequently fell in love, and spent the evening in the company of my wonderful and hilarious family. Best day ever. Simple and perfect. How was your day?

Early morning intuition

I awoke this morning after only 5-6 hours of sleep (WHAT?! I never do that) and began my 3 page "morning pages"--or stream of consciousness writing. I'm reading a book called "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron and I recommend it to EVERYONE. okay...though that is great information, it's not the point. It wasn't until I had only one or two lines left on my three pages that my consciousness drew out exactly what I needed to tell myself today...what was most vital. It may have been the scarcity of the page or the clearing of whatever else needed to be sorted through in my mind but at the very end of my mind blurb came the words: Follow your heart.


I went to write this as my status on facebook, but it was too long, so here you go:




As cliche as it sounds I am reminded this morning how important and necessary it is to follow your heart. You (I won't say always) usually know what's best. You usually know what it is you really want. You usually know what you need to do (though it may take you a little while to figure it out) and you will almost always only waste time by avoiding what your heart has been telling you all along (your heart being your soul, intuition, true self...not your vain desires and lust.)



"So...that's pretty cool." Peace and blessings and most of all LOVE.

What is better?

What is better??? (or which is better if you want to get all grammatically correct on me)

A) When you're completely on top of life, happy, smooth-sailing with all the stars aligned?

OR

2) When things don't go your way, you're in the middle of adversity, life is down on you, but you pick up and you are walking, you're not on top of the world but you're pretty close. When you're happy despite your non-happy circumstances (not unhappy) and you look forward to the great things that you have and the even greater things you're working towards.

Just thinking about this. It's like the 10 mile run I went on today. If I didn't go running today my body would feel relatively no pain. Instead, I did go running and I'm in a little bit of pain....that pain is uncomfortable (and gave me a really good excuse to spend my holiday afternoon in the hot tub), but I ran 10 miles. It hurts, but I'm 3 miles away from my 1/2 marathon and 15ish lbs (I've lost 40ish so far) away from my goal weight.

Life is great when it goes your way. Don't get me wrong, it's awesome. And then sometimes life is an everyday battle or an uphill climb for 8 miles in the sun (no pain, no gain!!!) You barely make it through, but every challenge makes you stronger. And then sometimes you're running along and you hit a hill and you gather up some courage, take it by storm and sprint up the damn thing. (Ask my roommate in college, it's one of my favorite pastimes....especially at the end of a run, can't help myself.)

I think it's better...to be dead tired and sprint up that hill than to be running easy on a slight downhill slope. We all enjoy our moments of bliss. But, as for me, I'm gonna allow myself to feel great even when life could dictate otherwise. In some sort of mathematical equation of joy-pain*(mental attitude/life circumstance)=happiness, I think you're somehow happier in the latter, though it may not feel that way. Pat yourself on the back or have a private dance party in your room in celebration of your hard-earned, seemingly mediocre life. You deserve it...more than the smooth-sailers. And next time we hit a hill, try not to cough in my dust.

This is the starting of my greatest fear...

Dear Andrew,

How did you know?

This is the starting of my greatest fear

I'm all packed up, getting out of here

but then you call and tell me not to go

that I'm the one who put the rock 'n roll

in your life

This is the starting of a brand new day

I never liked this town much anyway

I need this city like I need the rain

I know that somewhere there's a north bound train

Oh I'll make it without you

make it without you

and though my body's laying here

it's my mouth that must be lying now

This is the starting of my fall from grace

My self esteem oh it's seen better days

No I'll never let this go to waste

I'll keep this memory on the map I trace

back to home

My friends go out, but I've been staying in

I know I should but that's the way it's been

I never cared much for the taste of gin

I still don't now, oh, but it's been helpin

Oh I'll make it without you

in my life

Oh I'll make it without you

and though my body's laying here

It's my mouth that must be lying now.

Weird when someone (an artist) you've never met knows the story of your life. I don't know how that works. But it does. I write songs about what's in my deepest heart and then you tell me I said exactly what you were feeling. There is no way I could have known what you were feeling, except that we all hurt, we all find joy in life and love, we all struggle in between trying to get through and all we really want is to be happy. That's a nice thought. We're all connected by these songs, these .wav, .mp3, 44.1 khz 16 bit sound waves that permeate the space between and enter into your heart and mine. There's someone out there feeling the same way I do, listening to this song, making tough decisions, looking up at the stars with tears in their eyes. Thank you Andrew for reaching in and turning your story into beautiful art and in the process, telling mine. What you have done for me I hope to do for others with my music.

On the R-A-D-I-O!

I had the pleasure of being interviewed by the lovely Cherie Call and featured on yldsr.com (your lds radio) this week!

Check it out HERE!!!!