I'm learning to be grateful for EVERY experience. When my summer started I had a big list of plans. I was going to make life HAPPEN. Somehow, by no fault of my own, my plans started slipping through my fingers. I started to allow myself to believe that negative voice in my head that says, "You'll never be able to do things how you want. Good things don't come to you." Whenever I'd pick up and try to start again it'd say, "Well, go ahead and try...but you won't succeed. You'll just have to do it again. You'll just have to start over. You'll never get it right."
*SQUASHasd;lkfjsa;lkjd!!!!!!!!!* <---That is me squashing that little voice.
I believe there's a reason things work out the way they do. I believe that in any situation there is always something to learn. Sometimes our walls are torn down because God has some remodeling to do. In time we will be stronger and better than ever. It takes a lot of work to turn a shack into a beautiful mansion...right?
Despite some initial discouragement, I'm deciding to focus on the good and be grateful for the twists and turns along the way. I'll get to where I'm going. Maybe not in the way I thought I would...but I'll get there, and I'll understand this road and God's road map someday when I look back from my destination point. For now I am choosing to enjoy the scenic byways, rugged terrain, detours & uphill climbs.
In other, somewhat related, news:
--One of my favorite artists, Matt Morris, is now following me on twitter. nbd. but...bfd. (Erin, you can translate for everyone.)
--I've lost 5 more pounds! (that's 20lbs peeps....20 more to go!)
--That last 5 pounds was a mental barrier....so I'm pretty sure the rest will be easy....feeling more like myself every day.
--I'm running an EASY 6.0 pace on the treadmill....ending my runs at a 7.5-8.0 (I always enjoy a nice sprint at the end.) I just love running. And I love when my body loves it too.
--Apparently my personality type makes up 1% of the population...apparently I am a swan among ugly ducks...apparently I share this attribute with Shakespeare, Julia Roberts, Beethoven, and Oprah. What makes you special?
--The EP has been really slow moving and at times, discouraging. I'm trying really hard to work on it, but I've hit a lot of road blocks. I am certain this is one of God's detours. I feel like I'm slowly coming around the bend, though. I can't wait for things to start rolling. Recorded "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" tonight on my Fazioli with my mics and a TLM 103 on vox through a Digi 002 that my good friend Jason Barney lent to me. So lucky to have good friends.
--Wrote a new song for the EP, entitled "Tug of War"....it's cute...I like it.
--I watched masterpiece theatre's Jane Eyre last night...and it was amazing. I love that my friends and I watch old movies ALL the time and we don't care that we probably only share this fetish with 75 year old women.
--I get to spend the rest of the week at the beach. I'm going to enjoy every minute of that fresh sea air. I'm heading exactly to the place I was imagining when I wrote the lyrics to this song:
I wanna be heading for the sea
I wanna stand with my love in my hand
and my feet planted in the sand
Feel my fingers in the air
Love my life and lose all care
On a mission to repair, to find a space in my own sphere
So that is where I will be...Hope you are well wherever you....be....
What is fabulous in your life????
My Music
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Doors
Ingrid Michaelson has a song called "The Chain" and the quintessential line from it is "If you come around again, then I will take the chain from off the door".
I'd like to discuss this idea of doors. I have a door. I probably have several doors, for the several layers that I am---the door to me as a person, the door to my mind, the door to my heart, etc etc. But let's just focus on the bigger picture here, there is one door and it separates you and me.
I have a separate side door for close friends. Once I've let them through the front door, they can use this side door to come and go when they please. Sometimes the friendship door is guarded by a trustworthy concierge. Unfortunately this is because some people try to sneak in the friendship door when their motives are untrue. Sometimes a dear friend decides that their interest is much greater than yours. They come in wanting something from you, sometimes borrowing, sometimes outright stealing. They walk away when they please and never assume that you might want that part of you back. They assume that you'll always love them and that you will enable them in their bad behavior...behind closed doors and not. The truth is you will always love them...but after a few of these bad, cowardly, selfish ones, you've had to shut the door to them. They'll never learn if you continue to let them in. They'll never understand the gravity of their behavior and deal with their own consequences. So I hired a concierge who knows who I will not let in. He can call for back-up if needed, but usually he keeps the door safe from unwanted visitors. For those who have violated this door, there is a re-application process. But, it requires honesty & sincerity and a little mercy on my part...and it could take some time.
One time I had someone sneak through the back door. This door was apparently not locked or guarded in any way. I thought he was at the front door, but suddenly he was inside. He worked his way through all of my barriers without me knowing and for a while, that was okay. It felt good to let someone in, let someone share such a big part of me. It was uncharted territory, but I trusted him. After all, he had gotten through my door and that takes a lot of work. By the time I realized he had snuck through the back door, not through the appropriate channels, and that he had seen no problem in doing so because of his own benefit from occupying this space, it was too late. He was there and I wanted him there. He gave me a false sense of security, all the while breaking and entering time after time. After some initial violation, I tried to lock the door, I tried to bar the windows, but he eventually found a crevice, a weak crack in the wall. Sometimes it took heavy prying, but he was determined, which I falsely took as 'he cared'. He came when he wanted, ate the food, snuggled up in a blanket on the couch, invited over his friends and then let me clean up the party. We're talking almost years of damage control. After doing some major interior damage however, he broke a window and snuck out much like the way he came. I have since changed the locks and plastered a wall up where this back door used to be. I feel like it took a long time to re-build/repair after this one, but I have to say I am much more fortified than I ever was. Apparently there was some silver lining on this thunder cloud.
But let's talk about the main door, the ME door. And after all, we are talking about love here right? I go through life most of the time with this door locked...usually just one lock. Other times I bolt it shut, set an alarm, create an indecipherable code on a keypad, and seal it off with a large ring chain, requiring several artificial manipulations to unlock it, but few ever succeed if they even have the audacity to try. If you have tried, you met me at a bad time. I had something dear to protect. Don't take it personally. Sometimes locking up works to my advantage, but never without a cost.
I rarely go outside of my door to knock on someone else's door. I did this once in high school, with--for the sake of protecting names here--Daniel. Daniel and I were good friends...he had permission to my side door. However, he rarely took advantage of it. We were constantly walking past each other's doors in some kind of respective hallway. At some point I think he knocked on my door, but I was too busy and didn't want to be bothered by solicitors. But then I looked through the peep hole and saw him walking away...that's when my view changed. I opened the door and walked right over to his. I knocked, and...he answered. You can only imagine my elation when my ballsy maneuver paid off. But before I realized it, I was alone in what was only a shade of his room, with tattered posters on the wall. Apparently he lives next door to this faux-room, but there is a warning sign on the door now that reads, "Men Only." You can laugh, it's okay.
I have decided at various times in my life, including the present to just experiment with leaving the door unlocked. Take off the lock and the rough iron layer, the steel chain and the sign that says "No Trespassing." And even remove the single door lock and the sign that says, "I'm probably not interested." Trim the grass, paint the door a lovely shade of red, put up some flowers, maybe even a "Welcome" sign. I realize the drawback of my air-tight, destruction-proof door and the error of my ways. You keep the bad ones out certainly, but you keep the good ones out, too. You keep life out. Everything that seems so dear to you to protect suddenly doesn't seem worth the experiences that will ultimately bring you unending joy. So, I've put my welcome sign out. What inevitably happens now? Some people come by, admiring my garden and my brightly painted door. They stop by for a chat through the screen, or maybe even on the front step with the door open! I'm not fully willing to swing it wide, but I'm open to the idea. Things are changing. I start to notice the people walking by. I start to notice my cute neighbor down the street. He's stopped by and dropped off the mail that was incorrectly delivered to his house, chatted, paid me a compliment and then left. I want to go over to his house, but I don't know how. But finally for the first time in a long time, I'm ready to hand over the "in case of emergency" key. I'm hoping this will illicit an invitation to a 'let's do dinner' which will quickly turn into 'where have you been all my life?'. But maybe that's wishful thinking. Then suddenly a lowly wanderer, or a straggler who's been lurking in the bushes for some time, waiting for me to unlock that chain for somebody else comes bounding to the front door. Not only does he not understand normal social conduct--i.e. he doesn't stop by for a chat first or bring me the newspaper as a friendly gesture--he doesn't even knock. He just pushes open my unguarded, unlocked door and hopes that I will be there with open arms waiting for his arrival. While I hoped it was the cute neighbor down the street, now I'm even more perplexed and frustrated because this requires that I do one of two things: a) escort him right back out, pushing him through the door as gently but as assertively as possible or b) offer him some water or lemonade, have an awkward conversation or two and then forcefully push him out. I hate having to do this. No one likes to be rejected. I resent being emotionally inconvenienced and having to hurt someone else's pride. It's not personal, you're just not the cute neighbor down the street nor did you knock politely and test the water. The girl you want is not me and I know this for a fact. You just accidentally picked up my 'dinner party' invitation that I was trying to get the nerve to bring to the other guy and thought it was for you. And I hate that I might make you feel bad or put up your own lock. But, I'm sorry, you can't come in now and you can't stay here.
Someday I will meet someone, wherever you are, and I will know it's you. It may not be the cute neighbor down the street, though I may hope and wish. But you will come around and I will hand you the master key. It will be yours and it will let you in anytime you want. This room will be yours, too along with the heart that goes with it. And if I am right and I hope I am, you will stay...indefinitely. Until then, I'll try to keep the lock on the shelf and the flowers outside in full bloom. Hopefully you'll be here soon, look for the red door.
I'd like to discuss this idea of doors. I have a door. I probably have several doors, for the several layers that I am---the door to me as a person, the door to my mind, the door to my heart, etc etc. But let's just focus on the bigger picture here, there is one door and it separates you and me.
I have a separate side door for close friends. Once I've let them through the front door, they can use this side door to come and go when they please. Sometimes the friendship door is guarded by a trustworthy concierge. Unfortunately this is because some people try to sneak in the friendship door when their motives are untrue. Sometimes a dear friend decides that their interest is much greater than yours. They come in wanting something from you, sometimes borrowing, sometimes outright stealing. They walk away when they please and never assume that you might want that part of you back. They assume that you'll always love them and that you will enable them in their bad behavior...behind closed doors and not. The truth is you will always love them...but after a few of these bad, cowardly, selfish ones, you've had to shut the door to them. They'll never learn if you continue to let them in. They'll never understand the gravity of their behavior and deal with their own consequences. So I hired a concierge who knows who I will not let in. He can call for back-up if needed, but usually he keeps the door safe from unwanted visitors. For those who have violated this door, there is a re-application process. But, it requires honesty & sincerity and a little mercy on my part...and it could take some time.
One time I had someone sneak through the back door. This door was apparently not locked or guarded in any way. I thought he was at the front door, but suddenly he was inside. He worked his way through all of my barriers without me knowing and for a while, that was okay. It felt good to let someone in, let someone share such a big part of me. It was uncharted territory, but I trusted him. After all, he had gotten through my door and that takes a lot of work. By the time I realized he had snuck through the back door, not through the appropriate channels, and that he had seen no problem in doing so because of his own benefit from occupying this space, it was too late. He was there and I wanted him there. He gave me a false sense of security, all the while breaking and entering time after time. After some initial violation, I tried to lock the door, I tried to bar the windows, but he eventually found a crevice, a weak crack in the wall. Sometimes it took heavy prying, but he was determined, which I falsely took as 'he cared'. He came when he wanted, ate the food, snuggled up in a blanket on the couch, invited over his friends and then let me clean up the party. We're talking almost years of damage control. After doing some major interior damage however, he broke a window and snuck out much like the way he came. I have since changed the locks and plastered a wall up where this back door used to be. I feel like it took a long time to re-build/repair after this one, but I have to say I am much more fortified than I ever was. Apparently there was some silver lining on this thunder cloud.
But let's talk about the main door, the ME door. And after all, we are talking about love here right? I go through life most of the time with this door locked...usually just one lock. Other times I bolt it shut, set an alarm, create an indecipherable code on a keypad, and seal it off with a large ring chain, requiring several artificial manipulations to unlock it, but few ever succeed if they even have the audacity to try. If you have tried, you met me at a bad time. I had something dear to protect. Don't take it personally. Sometimes locking up works to my advantage, but never without a cost.
I rarely go outside of my door to knock on someone else's door. I did this once in high school, with--for the sake of protecting names here--Daniel. Daniel and I were good friends...he had permission to my side door. However, he rarely took advantage of it. We were constantly walking past each other's doors in some kind of respective hallway. At some point I think he knocked on my door, but I was too busy and didn't want to be bothered by solicitors. But then I looked through the peep hole and saw him walking away...that's when my view changed. I opened the door and walked right over to his. I knocked, and...he answered. You can only imagine my elation when my ballsy maneuver paid off. But before I realized it, I was alone in what was only a shade of his room, with tattered posters on the wall. Apparently he lives next door to this faux-room, but there is a warning sign on the door now that reads, "Men Only." You can laugh, it's okay.
I have decided at various times in my life, including the present to just experiment with leaving the door unlocked. Take off the lock and the rough iron layer, the steel chain and the sign that says "No Trespassing." And even remove the single door lock and the sign that says, "I'm probably not interested." Trim the grass, paint the door a lovely shade of red, put up some flowers, maybe even a "Welcome" sign. I realize the drawback of my air-tight, destruction-proof door and the error of my ways. You keep the bad ones out certainly, but you keep the good ones out, too. You keep life out. Everything that seems so dear to you to protect suddenly doesn't seem worth the experiences that will ultimately bring you unending joy. So, I've put my welcome sign out. What inevitably happens now? Some people come by, admiring my garden and my brightly painted door. They stop by for a chat through the screen, or maybe even on the front step with the door open! I'm not fully willing to swing it wide, but I'm open to the idea. Things are changing. I start to notice the people walking by. I start to notice my cute neighbor down the street. He's stopped by and dropped off the mail that was incorrectly delivered to his house, chatted, paid me a compliment and then left. I want to go over to his house, but I don't know how. But finally for the first time in a long time, I'm ready to hand over the "in case of emergency" key. I'm hoping this will illicit an invitation to a 'let's do dinner' which will quickly turn into 'where have you been all my life?'. But maybe that's wishful thinking. Then suddenly a lowly wanderer, or a straggler who's been lurking in the bushes for some time, waiting for me to unlock that chain for somebody else comes bounding to the front door. Not only does he not understand normal social conduct--i.e. he doesn't stop by for a chat first or bring me the newspaper as a friendly gesture--he doesn't even knock. He just pushes open my unguarded, unlocked door and hopes that I will be there with open arms waiting for his arrival. While I hoped it was the cute neighbor down the street, now I'm even more perplexed and frustrated because this requires that I do one of two things: a) escort him right back out, pushing him through the door as gently but as assertively as possible or b) offer him some water or lemonade, have an awkward conversation or two and then forcefully push him out. I hate having to do this. No one likes to be rejected. I resent being emotionally inconvenienced and having to hurt someone else's pride. It's not personal, you're just not the cute neighbor down the street nor did you knock politely and test the water. The girl you want is not me and I know this for a fact. You just accidentally picked up my 'dinner party' invitation that I was trying to get the nerve to bring to the other guy and thought it was for you. And I hate that I might make you feel bad or put up your own lock. But, I'm sorry, you can't come in now and you can't stay here.
Someday I will meet someone, wherever you are, and I will know it's you. It may not be the cute neighbor down the street, though I may hope and wish. But you will come around and I will hand you the master key. It will be yours and it will let you in anytime you want. This room will be yours, too along with the heart that goes with it. And if I am right and I hope I am, you will stay...indefinitely. Until then, I'll try to keep the lock on the shelf and the flowers outside in full bloom. Hopefully you'll be here soon, look for the red door.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
itunes playlist --february
I made a playlist over a year ago entitled "february"...cause it was february...sometime between winter and spring when the snow is still on the ground and the light is dim in the evening and you make a cup of tea (herbal tea my friends), put on some music, cuddle up in a sweater, get out a good book and let the feeling soak in...you know?
I've added songs that evoke this feeling over the past year and it's compounded into a massive playlist and I am now going to share it with you...because not that I have an impeccable taste for music, but something close to that and you can too!!! :) I'm so kind.
Crystal Ball // P!nk
I'd Rather Be With You, Brand New Day, Closer // Joshua Radin
This Life // Jarrett Burns (acoustic single)
Magic // Colbie Caillat
Child // Jacob Luttrell
Colors // Amos Lee
Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight // Amos Lee
Black River // Amos Lee
All My Friends // Amos Lee
Paris // Benton Paul
City // Sara Bareilles
High & Dry // Jamie Cullum *cover
What A Difference A Day Made // Jamie Cullum
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room // John Mayer from "The Village Sessions"
Lover, You Should've Come Over // Jeff Buckley
Maple Tree // Angel Taylor
Belief // Gavin DeGraw (stripped version)
Like Rain // Erica Dawn (Neuffer)
Peter Pan // Braden Blake
Beauty Is, Back To You, Pair // Ben & Dan Tengelsen
Orange Sky // Alexi Murdoch
Falling Slowly // The Swell Season
White Lies // Paolo Nutini
Hope // Shae Fiol
Over the Rainbow // Malika Ayane
Details in the Fabric // Jason Mraz ft James Morrison
If It Kills Me // Jason Mraz (from the casa nova sessions)
Anything Can Happen, Christmas Surprise, Gumption, Cry // Hans Zimmer from "The Holiday" soundtrack
Common Threads // Bobbi McFerrin
Chopin's entire 24 Preludes and a few Nocturnes in there
When the Leaves // Ingrid Michaelson
Auld Lang Syne // Hotel Cafe artists
All Love // Ingrid Michaelson
Push & Pull // Nikka Costa
Be Be Your Love // Rachael Yamagata
Hazy // Rosi Golan ft. William Fitzsimmons
Paperweight // Joshua Radin
The Fire // Imogen Heap
Creep (Live) // Ingrid Michaelson
A Message (2010) // Coldplay (from Hope for Haiti)
Oh What a Day // Ingrid Michaelson
Melancholy Astronautic Man // Allie Moss
Shelter // Ray LaMontagne
Hold You In My Arms // Ray LaMontagne
Winter Song // Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson
Snowfall // Ingrid Michaelson
God's Highway // Theresa Andersson
Now I Know // Theresa Andersson
Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois // Sufjan Stevens
The Seer's Tower // Sufjan Stevens
Red Sky // Ryan Innes
Hometown Glory // Adele
I'm On Fire // John Mayer *cover
Flightless Bird, American Mouth // Iron & Wine
To Be Alone With You // Sufjan Stevens
The Chain (live) // Ingrid Michaelson
Glitter In the Air // P!nk
Keep Breathing // Ingrid Michaelson
Hallelujah // Justin Timberlake ft. Matt Morris (Hope for Haiti)
Bloodline // Matt Morris
Comes and Goes (in Waves) // Greg Laswell
Take Everything // Greg Laswell
Skinny Love // Bon Iver
Roslyn // Bon Iver & St. Vincent
Flume // Peter Gabriel *cover
Dig With Me // Allie Moss
Corner // Allie Moss
Hallelujah // Jeff Buckley
Mmm... // Laura Izibor
White Daisy Passing // Rocky Votolato
I Want You // Javier Dunn *cover
Sympathetic Vibrations // The Paper Raincoat
Brooklyn Blurs // The Paper Raincoat
Motion Sickness // The Paper Raincoat
Safe in the Sound // The Paper Raincoat
For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti // Sufjan Stevens
I've added songs that evoke this feeling over the past year and it's compounded into a massive playlist and I am now going to share it with you...because not that I have an impeccable taste for music, but something close to that and you can too!!! :) I'm so kind.
Crystal Ball // P!nk
I'd Rather Be With You, Brand New Day, Closer // Joshua Radin
This Life // Jarrett Burns (acoustic single)
Magic // Colbie Caillat
Child // Jacob Luttrell
Colors // Amos Lee
Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight // Amos Lee
Black River // Amos Lee
All My Friends // Amos Lee
Paris // Benton Paul
City // Sara Bareilles
High & Dry // Jamie Cullum *cover
What A Difference A Day Made // Jamie Cullum
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room // John Mayer from "The Village Sessions"
Lover, You Should've Come Over // Jeff Buckley
Maple Tree // Angel Taylor
Belief // Gavin DeGraw (stripped version)
Like Rain // Erica Dawn (Neuffer)
Peter Pan // Braden Blake
Beauty Is, Back To You, Pair // Ben & Dan Tengelsen
Orange Sky // Alexi Murdoch
Falling Slowly // The Swell Season
White Lies // Paolo Nutini
Hope // Shae Fiol
Over the Rainbow // Malika Ayane
Details in the Fabric // Jason Mraz ft James Morrison
If It Kills Me // Jason Mraz (from the casa nova sessions)
Anything Can Happen, Christmas Surprise, Gumption, Cry // Hans Zimmer from "The Holiday" soundtrack
Common Threads // Bobbi McFerrin
Chopin's entire 24 Preludes and a few Nocturnes in there
When the Leaves // Ingrid Michaelson
Auld Lang Syne // Hotel Cafe artists
All Love // Ingrid Michaelson
Push & Pull // Nikka Costa
Be Be Your Love // Rachael Yamagata
Hazy // Rosi Golan ft. William Fitzsimmons
Paperweight // Joshua Radin
The Fire // Imogen Heap
Creep (Live) // Ingrid Michaelson
A Message (2010) // Coldplay (from Hope for Haiti)
Oh What a Day // Ingrid Michaelson
Melancholy Astronautic Man // Allie Moss
Shelter // Ray LaMontagne
Hold You In My Arms // Ray LaMontagne
Winter Song // Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson
Snowfall // Ingrid Michaelson
God's Highway // Theresa Andersson
Now I Know // Theresa Andersson
Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois // Sufjan Stevens
The Seer's Tower // Sufjan Stevens
Red Sky // Ryan Innes
Hometown Glory // Adele
I'm On Fire // John Mayer *cover
Flightless Bird, American Mouth // Iron & Wine
To Be Alone With You // Sufjan Stevens
The Chain (live) // Ingrid Michaelson
Glitter In the Air // P!nk
Keep Breathing // Ingrid Michaelson
Hallelujah // Justin Timberlake ft. Matt Morris (Hope for Haiti)
Bloodline // Matt Morris
Comes and Goes (in Waves) // Greg Laswell
Take Everything // Greg Laswell
Skinny Love // Bon Iver
Roslyn // Bon Iver & St. Vincent
Flume // Peter Gabriel *cover
Dig With Me // Allie Moss
Corner // Allie Moss
Hallelujah // Jeff Buckley
Mmm... // Laura Izibor
White Daisy Passing // Rocky Votolato
I Want You // Javier Dunn *cover
Sympathetic Vibrations // The Paper Raincoat
Brooklyn Blurs // The Paper Raincoat
Motion Sickness // The Paper Raincoat
Safe in the Sound // The Paper Raincoat
For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti // Sufjan Stevens
White Winter Hymnal // Fleet Foxes
Andvari // Sigur Ros
Here Comes The Flood (Live) // Peter Gabriel
Let It Be Me // Ray LaMontagne
Monday, July 19, 2010
Trapeze
I won't be that girl tonight
shooting glances on my right
I won't give up my repose
though everybody knows
but you...
you...
I won't fuel the push and shove
so my heart fits yours like a glove
I won't wear it on my sleeve
swing my heart on a trapeze
for you...
you...
but I'll be on your side, always...
I'll be on your side, always...
I won't be the first to show
how my love's too big to hold
Though I hope to win your heart
know the ending from the start
with you...
you...
I'll be on your side, always...
I'll be on your side, always...
Friday, July 2, 2010
Free song
Go get a free download of my "patriotic version" of "Imagine", originally by John Lennon on my reverbnation profile!!! Click on the widget on this page to direct you to the site. What are you waiting for?? It's free!!
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