Be yourself, no matter what they say

This Year

2011-11-20T15:10:00.001-08:00

Christmas has come early this year. A few weeks ago I daringly sought out to complete a Christmas EP in time for the holiday season and now I sit here in contemplation at the culmination of it all, on the exact day I released my first EP, The Truth, one year ago.

We sent off the finished product to iTunes/AmazonMP3/Spotify at 5 a.m. this morning so if everything goes as planned it will be up tomorrow! Physical CDs, show dates, and a really exciting holiday give-away are in the works, but for right now I just want to sit and breathe and share with you what this process has been for me.

With the encouragement of my artist coach and good friend, Trina Harmon, I made this album a healing project for me. As is true with most artists, if it heals you, it heals other people, if it resonates with you, it's gonna resonate with others. Though I had written one of the songs a couple years ago and was partly through another one, this project really began the night I picked up my guitar and started recording "Do You Hear What I Hear?" It was my favorite Christmas song when I was little and I was counseled to share what was in my heart, what I love, and sing it in the vein of what I'm feeling right now.

With the help of my good friend and former co-worker, Dallas Rowley, I then completely re-vamped a Christmas song I wrote two years ago, the title track, "Merry Christmas, Dear" into a driving holiday anthem and re-arranged "Silent Night" into a wistful, nighttime lullaby. He also contributed greatly to another original, "Christmas in You" played on the ukulele!!!! (I was excited about that) with essential elements such as hand claps, shaker, sleigh bells and lest we forget, mouth trumpet! The music teacher at my elementary school, Mr. Kingsley also came through for me with some real trumpet, though the mouth trumpet was pretty rockin' on its own.

The album wraps with a song that ended up being, I feel, the real reason my soul felt compelled to make this album right now. When I sat down two weeks ago today I didn't know what was going to come out, but I remember Trina's advice to write my pain into this album and find healing for myself. So, that's what I did.

What came out was a song called

THIS YEAR.

My story is my own.

I suppose somewhere deep inside my soul I wanted to grow this year. I wanted to feel real love. And I wanted to expand myself. So, life offered up a series of events/experiences that provided just that. I like to say life backed me up into a corner and punched me in the gut to make me change, cut me down so I could grow into something better.

As I sat there and wrote this song I thought about you--you know who you are. I thought about how much I love you. I thought about everything we've been through. I thought about all the crappy times we spent by each other's side. I thought about the beauty of having you there for every crappy time (you know we didn't use that word ;). I thought about the monumental moments, the milestones, the laughter, the small, insignificant moments, the place I hold you in my heart. I thought about everything I wished and hoped for and feeling like I found it and then feeling it slip through my fingers again. I thought about watching you grow. I thought about the things we longed for, the things we lost. I thought about all of the failures we went through and the successes that are starting to come our way. I thought about how you feel like home and how I never wanted that feeling to go away. And I thought about having to let you go.

I thought about another You--You know who You are. How I've never been closer to You than I was this year. How it felt when I lost You and couldn't seem to find you anywhere, except for in the beauty of a sunrise or sunset. I held onto those. I thought about all the times I stopped to ask you, "Do You still love me? Are You still aware of me?" I thought about the angels--seen and unseen--you sent along my way to help me get through.

I thought about the loneliness that we felt.

I thought about my co-worker whose sister was diagnosed with cancer.

I thought about my friend who is raising her children on her own after 15 years of marriage.

I thought about our family friends who lost their two month old baby a month ago. I thought about their pain and loss.

This year has been a life-altering one. It's been a year for expansion, growth, pain, love, faith, endurance, knowledge, sacrifice, trust, believing, learning, trial, understanding, hope, experience and did I mention endurance? I look back knowing there were so many joyful, enlightening moments. I felt love in a way I never have experienced before and found it in so many different sources, including within myself. I also felt sorrow like I never have before. We went through so much this year. We watched our lives rise and fall from hopeful to bittersweet disappointment and ecstatic happiness to heartbreaking despair back and forth like rolling waves.

As I began to sing the words sitting at the piano that day, I broke into heavy sobs.

This was a healing moment for me. In acknowledging your pain you also acknowledge how much that person, experience, event meant to you. How it changed you.

As I transitioned into the words of the beloved Christmas song, "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," I came to peace with this year. I carry it in my heart. I'm grateful for the love. I'm grateful for the change. I'm grateful for every moment that tested us and every tear we shed. Because I love you even more for that.

I truly honestly in my heart pray these words are true, that our troubles will be far away, that our hearts may be light this Christmas and that someday soon we will all be together.

THIS YEAR

by Catherine Papworth

This year, we started with high hopes this year

but how were we supposed to know

when we stepped out on this road,

we'd end up with broken bones this year

This year, life was like a closing door this year

our hearts a casualty of war

and though we fought through the storm,

it wasn't all we planned it for this year

And I want you to know,

before I let you go

that I carry in my heart this year.

So have yourself a merry little Christmas

let your heart be light

next year all our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

make the yuletide gay

from now on our troubles will be miles away

And I want you to know,

before I let you go

that I've never loved you more than this year

Someday soon we all will be together

if the fates allow

until then we'll have to muddle through somehow

so have yourself a merry little Christmas

have yourself a merry little Christmas

now.

Now it's your turn. I invite you to share YOUR STORY. What did this year mean to you? What did you go through that changed you? How have you found peace through your experiences? What do you hope for in the coming year?

Peace, love and Christmas music,

Catherine

Airplanes in the sky

2011-10-03T22:47:00.000-07:00

I saw these bi-planes on my walk the other day and it made me think of grandpa. He had this passion for planes and flying. He was building a plane in the backyard just before he died. He used to have this sign on the wall next to the dining table that with the family name and was surrounded by wooden bi-planes. So, when I saw these the other day, I had to stop and snap a shot of them and reminisce.

I put my iphone ipod on shuffle on my walk tonight:

1. Late Bloomer / Allie Moss

2. Beach Baby / Bon Iver

3. Grown Ocean / Fleet Foxes

4. Beat It / Pomplamoose

5. Tug of War / Catherine Papworth *hahaha!

6. Towers / Bon Iver

7. Nature Boy / Pomplamoose

8. Call Your Girlfriend / Robyn

9. Sort Of / Ingrid Michaelson

10. Machine Gun / Sara Bareilles

10. The Way I Am / Ingrid Michaelson (Daytrotter session)

11. Every Teardrop is a Waterfall / Coldplay

something.about.the.moon.makes.me.think.of.you

Spilled Milk

2011-08-24T22:52:00.000-07:00

It's been over 110 degrees all week so we've had "rainy day" schedule, i.e. recess indoors every day. Yesterday, I was walking through campus and a class of 1st graders were heading from the cafeteria back to the classroom. Some of them, who didn't get to finish their lunch, had their leftover lunch trays in tow. I had barely come up behind them when a little boy accidentally stepped on the shoelace of a chubby little red-headed boy, which caused the said shoelace to untie, stop him in his tracks and made him fall to the ground. His tray went flying and he immediately began to wail. It started out as an accidental fall, but as he realized what had happened he began to protest getting up and seemed to want to stay on the ground in mourning over the fact that he had been unfairly tripped (although it really was an accident) and as a result, his carrots, pineapple and milk carton had spilled on the ground. I almost walked by, seeing as his aide would probably become aware of the situation or maybe he was old enough to handle it himself. He looked older than he was...a little heftier and taller than most 1st graders. But, I suddenly had compassion for the little guy and realized it was obviously my duty to stop and make sure he was okay.
When I got to him tears were streaming and he seemed to be in despair. I checked his knees for scrapes but he was fine. His tears seemed to be more out of emotional pain than anything physical. Through sobs he said, "But I really wanted to drink that!" I picked up his milk carton and found that it was still relatively full. I said, "I'm sorry, but there is still some left. Okay?" He knodded, calming down a little. His sobs slowed and as I picked up what was salvageable, he gathered the courage to stand back up.

"Did your shoe come untied?"
"Yeah."
"Hm, you should probably tie it before you walk back to class, huh?"
Breaking into full out sobs again, "I don't know HOW to tie my shoes!!!"

Part of me wanted to laugh, but then I felt for the little guy. I knew that this wasn't the end of the world and not all was lost. Even if he did lose out on getting to drink his milk that day, the day would still go on and by the next morning he may have forgotten about the whole thing. But, even knowing that, my heart felt for his tears and the sadness that overwhelmed him over something so small yet important to him. Someday he would learn to tie his own shoe, learn to pick up his own spilled milk, and get up after being knocked down. But, today he needed a little assistance. I tied his shoe, put his tray back in his hands, wiped a tear from his cheek and said, "it's gonna be okay. Okay?" He knodded, took a deep breath to gather himself and walked back to class, a little more discheveled and behind the rest of the group, but still intact.

As I walked back to my classroom I thought, 'I wonder if this is how God reacts when my car breaks down on the freeway and I cry the whole way home or the boy I really wanted it to work out with doesn't choose me and I feel like wallowing?' He knows it's gonna be okay. But I'm sure He still feels for the way it hurts inside. Sometimes He ties our "spiritual shoes" and wipes away our tears and picks us up off the ground and tells us directly "it's gonna be okay." Other times He might be there cheering us on, but it might be our turn to prove to ourselves we can stand up on our own and learn how to tie our own shoes.

Just a thought. The next time I want to cry over spilled milk I'm going to remember the chubby little red-headed boy. It's gonna be okay.

Resistance Training

2011-08-12T23:38:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I've posted, as Kim reminded me recently. Between my job at the elementary school starting back up and work at the taqueria--of which I was informed tonight by a customer was not a real taqueria as they are in Mexico (we're in America, oh and Baja Mexico isn't Mexico either by the way) and who barged in speaking spanish to me (though he was fully fluent in english) and then talking over my shoulder to the spanish-speaking cooks in the back calling me a gringa with a distasteful tone in his voice, also another reason it didn't qualify as a real taqueria, asking for menu items that were not on the menu, but would have been had it been a real taqueria, telling me that "they know" (my latino co-workers/cooks) what the food "should" be like (ignorant?? stereotyping??? anyone?), etc etc etc and getting frustrated with me because I didn't ring out in fluent spanish to answer his questions (once again, America....) Unfortunately for him, I understood his espanol...though I'm a bit rusty and unconfident in my speaking ability. But seeing as I was being judged right and left for what A) didn't have anything to do with me---I don't choose the menu items or how the food is prepared and B) his pre-conceived notion that I am a white, upper middle class, uncultured, ignorant girl from Mesa who when craving some "real mexican food", heads to Rubios, I pulled out my rusty spanish and did my best to answer his questions in a language that is not the primary language spoken in the country he and I both live in. Ironically, his company resembled me--blonde haired "gringas"..... and unbeknownst to him, I actually do know what real mexican food is and have been to, by his standards, a "real taqueria", in fact I used to drive 40 minutes south of Portland to Lucia's just to get a real carnitas burrito and horchata occasionally, which I would order in yes, espanol.

That was me venting.

Anyway. I haven't had much time to post.

Re-calling the last few months of my life (basically from my 26th birthday to now) to you I would probably use words like: lost, confused, abandoned, forsaken, lost (again), broken, directionless, struggling, tired, frustrated, sad, hurt, angry, tired (again), really tired, stagnated, at a loss for understanding, broken down, at the bottom, without hope, hanging by a thread, at the end of my rope, head under water, heart-broken, and once again, lost.

The fact that something in my life ends up breaking about every two weeks (car, external hard drive, car, computer, car, keyboard) and financial blunders like the cost to repair or replace such items, two speeding tickets (which imo were completely undeserved) and a credit card bill that was never received in the mail, or the actual card, which made an under $20 purchase end up costing $50 when all was said and done (no mercy for the first time offender apparently), when all I was TRYING to do was get out of debt and get a move on in my life (i.e. NEW YORK!!!), has only added additional insult to injury.

Needless to say, most days for the past 3 months have left me feeling and resembling something like this:

(Thank you to my adorable niece, Ella, for so perfectly describing my sentiment without words. I know how you feel, sista friend.)

Angels and Unseen Miracles

Despite the running theme of emotional turmoil and frustration in my life, I would be remiss if I didn't recognize the occasional swooping in of "angels" and "miracles" that have made their way along my path almost undetected until I took a step back to reflect---random visits, phone calls, beautiful sunrises and sunsets that remind me that there is joy and beauty in the world and extend my perspective even if just to get me from one day to the next (like this one)

conversations that I needed to have that shed a little light on my life, the friend who came by one morning: "hey I was thinking of you, I'm taking you to breakfast" and then proceeded to spend the entire day with me to keep me distracted and not without company on one of the most anxiety-filled days of my life. When I thanked this friend for her support that day she said, "Oh, of course. I love you. You just popped into my head and I knew what God was telling me; I headed straight over." I have thought back on that day and this friend of mine with tears in my eyes and am tearing up as I write this. This is partly because I love this friend and I miss her, but also because God knew exactly what I was going through in a very personal, specific way and what I might need to help me through it. Although I feel a little undeserving, I'm in awe that he would care and love me that much. I also find myself emotional because my friend's un-hesitated action in response to that prompting blessed my life tremendously and reminded me that God knew who I was and where I was and what I needed, which in itself was something I needed. Even despite how seemingly unpretentious and ordinary her actions may have looked to an outsider, in some small way she saved me that day. And then I think: how many times have I received a similar feeling or thought about someone in my life and pushed it aside or forgotten about it or been too busy and selfish to recognize it? What if my friend had reacted similarly that day? I am so grateful she hadn't and I am sad for the times someone may have needed me or I may have needed someone and God wasn't able to use us to help each other because of the busy signal we put on the call. She has taught me a valuable lesson. When I think about what it would have felt like to have spent that day alone, I am so grateful she responded to that call.

Then there was the person in the huge truck that came up behind my tiny Honda Civic in the army of cars that were heading in my direction from behind going twice as fast as I was as my car was breaking down and losing power on the freeway, and who somehow just knew what was going on with me and what to do, and sticking right behind me, made each lane change across the 6 lane freeway with me until I made it safely to the shoulder. And the other man who pulled over to assist me on the side of the road and make sure I wasn't stranded in that 110+ degree heat. And then there was the unseen force that compelled the 1,000 lb elk in the middle of the road to wait a second longer before charging at my car at 2:30 AM in the middle of nowhere, southern Oregon on my drive up I-5 and the force that kept the elk to the right from reacting at all, allowing me to slip through them almost unscathed, with only a cosmetic dent to my hood and a little bit of a scared adrenaline rush.

The reminder that God answers prayers, if not when and how we want. Almost a year ago I lost my car keys in Teton Village in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. (see this post, item #1 and item #6) I prayed with faith that we would find those keys and believed whole-heartedly that we would. And then we didn't. I didn't understand why but there was nothing I could do. When I got a call from my brother several weeks ago that my Honda car keys were found among his race equipment that had been sifted through several times over the past year during his Epic Relay events I didn't really know what to think. "Well, God answers prayers," Michael said. "Sure," I thought. But, it felt more like a slap in the face. That doesn't help me at all. I had to re-key my car. Those keys wouldn't work now. And I went through so much trouble and money those two days in WY, UT, WY, ID, UT (see the post) in dealing with the situation. "God answers prayers, but it doesn't help me," my limited understanding was beating back at me. At the time this experience almost fueled more anger at the pathetic life situation I was finding myself in. But now, somehow, as I've strived to understand and stop and listen and learn, I'm finding the true meaning of that experience: God answers prayers. Period. He knows what we need to experience. Period. He answered my prayer that we would find the keys. Maybe it felt like a cruel joke when I first found out. But now it feels like a blessed bit of information. God answers prayers.

Then there was the tear-ridden walk I set off on alone, in desperation for just "something", "anything" to rid me of the plague of pain spreading in my heart that found me atop a hill at the memorial cemetery overlooking Portland. The clouds parted and the sun was shining through. A brilliant beginning to a majestic sunset broke my anguished and tearful pleadings for even a semblance of an answer, which I felt I had too long been deprived of, with the words that were clearly spoken to my mind: "Be still. And know that I am God." Had I been truly listening I would have recognized that God prepared me with that information a few weeks prior because I had written those exact words in my journal--I don't remember why or what the circumstance was, but they were there as I discovered later, as sort of a prep to the phase of "running around like a chicken with my head cut off" attitude that I ended up finding myself in. It still took me a few weeks after this hilltop revelation to really take the advice to heart. But most poignant was that I knew and know who God is, with an awe-like reverence for his power, love and brilliant omniscience. I wanted more. I wanted clear directions. I wanted miraculous intervention. What He gave me was all I really needed to know: I am God. Stop freaking out.

Resistance Training

Another "angel" dropped by today in the form of a phone call from a very gifted person in the art of healing. I didn't even hear the phone ring but just looked over as the call was coming in. This visit resulted in a tutorial on the subject of spiritual resistance training. When we want to build muscle and "get buff", we put our body through necessary pain to strengthen it. We create tears in our muscles...we RIP up our muscles!!! and force them to repair themselves with more tissue so that the next time we use them they are ready for the weight we want them to carry. We get stronger. Our body/mind knows this will happen, but our muscles certainly don't like it. As I'm currently in week 3 of P90x I am reminded of this on a regular basis--Yoga Belly 7 has left my stomach muscles with acute pain from the stress put on them yesterday. But, as I know too well and am reminded by my fav trainers to love/hate Jillian Michaels and Tony Horton--when you're shaking, when you're on those last few reps, when you're fighting just to get through, THAT's when change happens. Good change (I hope.) The kind of change you look forward to, like flabby mid-section turning to 6-pack abs change. Yeah, my stomach muscles hurt today as I moved around at both of my jobs, but I know it'll be worth it. In a similar way, God sometimes forces us into a spiritual workout routine that leaves us tired and ripped up. He pushes us beyond the capacity of what we think we can do into the realm of magnificent change. But in the interim, our spiritual muscles are tearing and it HURTS! It hurts and we want it to stop and we don't see how it's helping and if we're not careful we may not see that He is still standing there beside us ready to spot us if the weight gets too heavy or if we feel like giving up.

"Let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith" (Hebrews 12:1-2.) If it were up to me, my race would have been over in December. But here it is August, and somehow, I'm still running. He knows how far we need to run to make it to the better finish. I recall the half marathon I ran in February. As a runner you may often come to understand the term "hitting a wall." I hit my wall around mile 10 of my 13.1 mile race. I had taken shot blocks to sustain my energy and hydrated every mile with my camelback but the last few miles of my race were still met with screaming calf muscles which were turning into cramps and a fading will. I had been running straight for about an hour and 50 minutes. As I rounded the bend into the last two miles of the race, a straight stretch at a steady uphill incline to the finish, I set out with determination. I thought of "The Old Man in the Sea" by Ernest Hemingway. The old man fought for days to bring down a mighty fish (bigger than his skiff) that would not easily surrender. In Hemingway's fictional story, an 80 year-old man toughed it out on the sea with no food or water and bloody and cramped hands from clinging onto and pulling back the rope that held his prize. He never complained, he never doubted, he just told his hand to stop cramping!!! As I ran up Thomas Rd with little energy and screaming calves I meditated on the old man in the sea and phrases like, "mind over matter", "calm within the storm", "relax", "no pain". I was in pain. And I was tired. But as I got to the end I exerted a surge of energy that propelled me forward through the last stretch to the finish. I was full out running! I don't know how. Though I was beaten and tired and seemingly worse and more hurt than before I set out on my race that morning---I somehow was stronger. My barriers of what I could and couldn't do had been stretched. I could have done anything that day. I ran a half marathon (UNDER my goal time!) Let's do it again! I thought. Nah. I'm saving the full marathon for next February :).

The point is, though I may be tired and weak and feel lost, I'm still running. God knows where we're headed and why, and we have to hold on to hope that we'll finish and feel stronger than before. I have to hope that the reward will be worth it.

Similar to my hilltop revelation, I recently received an answer to my tender pleadings, "Are you aware of me? Are you even there? How am I going accomplish what I need to?" The voice spoke clear again: "Fear not, I am with you."

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed, For I am thy God and will still give thee aid; I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go, The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow; For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie, My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply; The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

Even down to old age all My people shall prove My sovereign, eternal, unchangeable love; And when hoary hairs shall their temples adorn, Like lambs they shall still in My bosom be borne.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose, I will not, I will not desert to its foes; That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.

keep.on.running

Catherine

Amour Ultime

2011-07-01T15:21:00.000-07:00

I know that Arizona (despite its arid ground cover) is known to have some of the most amazing sunsets, AND upon exiting this place (pictured above) I usually tend to experience an enlarged amount of peace and perspective, but...it seems that whenever I look to the West from those steps, the sky ALWAYS speaks to my soul.

I walked out of the temple the other night to find this vision before me. I commented on facebook that God is the most beautiful painter. It's true, don't you think? Sometimes I think we're all mini-artists being tutored by the great One upstairs...our creativity is just a manifestation of His goodness and love inside of us. I could attempt at best to mimic such a beautiful picture on an empty canvas...but his masterpieces are made with the elements of the sky themselves. Think about the kind of energy that would take!!!! Light and love incarnate. If we are created by Him, we must carry that same beauty inside of us.

Love of God is the root from which spring all other types of love; love of God is the root of all virtue, of all goodness, of all strength of character, of all fidelity to do right....Whenever other love fades, there will be that shining transcendent, everlasting love of God for each of us and the love of His Son, who gave His life for us. -President Gordon B. Hinckley

i'm.willing.to.stake.everything.on.this

Today...

2011-06-27T18:35:00.000-07:00

Today.....I'm a vegetarian.

Today.....I'm moving to New York.

Today.....I'm going in the direction of my dreams.

Today.....I become stronger. Day 1 of P90x. Goodbye 20 lbs. Hello size 4/6.

Today.....I begin my creative recovery (attempt #2). 12 weeks. Day 1 morning pages better than expected.

Today.....I learned to sing in French.

Today.....you made me smile.

What decisions did you make, journeys did you begin, or great things happened to you today?

I think I'm going to watch this video every morning so I make sure I start the day with a smile on my face. Livin' it up!!!! hahahaha!

i.like.how.you.end.your.thoughts.this.way

Belief

2011-04-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

Despite what John Mayer says about it, (side note: I love that song by the way and agree with its sentiment...but this is not what I'm saying.)

Belief is everything. It is the core within you that starts the fire. Everything extends from there. That makes it all the more important that you are careful what you believe. Question every belief that doesn't allow you to be your best self. Embrace and cultivate the beliefs that invite you to live well, love purely (that includes yourself) and do good. In time you will break out of the shell of self doubt you are encompassed about in now and arise as the amazing creature you were always intended to be.

-that one was from me.

Best day ever

2011-03-17T23:14:00.001-07:00

Apparently I could die of radiation poisoning tomorrow when the plume from Japan hits California but it's okay because today I made peace with God on my run along the ocean, undertook an exercise of letting go of the past and visualizing the (awesome and limitless) future, overcame a personal inhibition and decided to trust myself and try something I never thought I was good at (drawing, a precursor to painting which medium I have decided to undertake in 2011) which is turning out pretty well I must say, laid out on the beach and worked on my tan, accomplished the realization of not one but two childhood dreams, went on a dusk lit walk in one of my favorite places in the world--Balboa park, enjoyed a bike ride on Coronado island and found my dream house and subsequently fell in love, and spent the evening in the company of my wonderful and hilarious family. Best day ever. Simple and perfect. How was your day?

Early morning intuition

2011-03-12T07:50:00.000-08:00

I awoke this morning after only 5-6 hours of sleep (WHAT?! I never do that) and began my 3 page "morning pages"--or stream of consciousness writing. I'm reading a book called "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron and I recommend it to EVERYONE. okay...though that is great information, it's not the point. It wasn't until I had only one or two lines left on my three pages that my consciousness drew out exactly what I needed to tell myself today...what was most vital. It may have been the scarcity of the page or the clearing of whatever else needed to be sorted through in my mind but at the very end of my mind blurb came the words: Follow your heart.

I went to write this as my status on facebook, but it was too long, so here you go:

As cliche as it sounds I am reminded this morning how important and necessary it is to follow your heart. You (I won't say always) usually know what's best. You usually know what it is you really want. You usually know what you need to do (though it may take you a little while to figure it out) and you will almost always only waste time by avoiding what your heart has been telling you all along (your heart being your soul, intuition, true self...not your vain desires and lust.)

"So...that's pretty cool." Peace and blessings and most of all LOVE.

What is better?

2011-01-17T15:57:00.000-08:00

What is better??? (or which is better if you want to get all grammatically correct on me)

A) When you're completely on top of life, happy, smooth-sailing with all the stars aligned?

2) When things don't go your way, you're in the middle of adversity, life is down on you, but you pick up and you are walking, you're not on top of the world but you're pretty close. When you're happy despite your non-happy circumstances (not unhappy) and you look forward to the great things that you have and the even greater things you're working towards.

Just thinking about this. It's like the 10 mile run I went on today. If I didn't go running today my body would feel relatively no pain. Instead, I did go running and I'm in a little bit of pain....that pain is uncomfortable (and gave me a really good excuse to spend my holiday afternoon in the hot tub), but I ran 10 miles. It hurts, but I'm 3 miles away from my 1/2 marathon and 15ish lbs (I've lost 40ish so far) away from my goal weight.

Life is great when it goes your way. Don't get me wrong, it's awesome. And then sometimes life is an everyday battle or an uphill climb for 8 miles in the sun (no pain, no gain!!!) You barely make it through, but every challenge makes you stronger. And then sometimes you're running along and you hit a hill and you gather up some courage, take it by storm and sprint up the damn thing. (Ask my roommate in college, it's one of my favorite pastimes....especially at the end of a run, can't help myself.)

I think it's better...to be dead tired and sprint up that hill than to be running easy on a slight downhill slope. We all enjoy our moments of bliss. But, as for me, I'm gonna allow myself to feel great even when life could dictate otherwise. In some sort of mathematical equation of joy-pain*(mental attitude/life circumstance)=happiness, I think you're somehow happier in the latter, though it may not feel that way. Pat yourself on the back or have a private dance party in your room in celebration of your hard-earned, seemingly mediocre life. You deserve it...more than the smooth-sailers. And next time we hit a hill, try not to cough in my dust.

This is the starting of my greatest fear...

2011-01-09T18:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Andrew,

How did you know?

This is the starting of my greatest fear

I'm all packed up, getting out of here

but then you call and tell me not to go

that I'm the one who put the rock 'n roll

in your life

This is the starting of a brand new day

I never liked this town much anyway

I need this city like I need the rain

I know that somewhere there's a north bound train

Oh I'll make it without you

make it without you

and though my body's laying here

it's my mouth that must be lying now

This is the starting of my fall from grace

My self esteem oh it's seen better days

No I'll never let this go to waste

I'll keep this memory on the map I trace

back to home

My friends go out, but I've been staying in

I know I should but that's the way it's been

I never cared much for the taste of gin

I still don't now, oh, but it's been helpin

Oh I'll make it without you

in my life

Oh I'll make it without you

and though my body's laying here

It's my mouth that must be lying now.

Weird when someone (an artist) you've never met knows the story of your life. I don't know how that works. But it does. I write songs about what's in my deepest heart and then you tell me I said exactly what you were feeling. There is no way I could have known what you were feeling, except that we all hurt, we all find joy in life and love, we all struggle in between trying to get through and all we really want is to be happy. That's a nice thought. We're all connected by these songs, these .wav, .mp3, 44.1 khz 16 bit sound waves that permeate the space between and enter into your heart and mine. There's someone out there feeling the same way I do, listening to this song, making tough decisions, looking up at the stars with tears in their eyes. Thank you Andrew for reaching in and turning your story into beautiful art and in the process, telling mine. What you have done for me I hope to do for others with my music.

On the R-A-D-I-O!

2011-01-04T21:55:00.001-08:00

I had the pleasure of being interviewed by the lovely Cherie Call and featured on yldsr.com (your lds radio) this week!

Check it out HERE!!!!

Dear Life,

2010-12-30T11:13:00.000-08:00

This is that part where I start to run.

And I don't mean just physically, though I've been doing a lot of that lately.

I penned these words in September,

I'm just a girl,
blue eyes and yellow curls,
afraid of the world,
I keep to myself what I wanna be
I hide in my reverie.

I'm just a seed,
planted inside a shroud,
inclined to believe,
the world is a stomping ground
above my head.
I can't sleep inside this bed.

Sometimes I'm still that girl.

And then as I'm heading out the door--metaphorically speaking--which more accurately is me shutting the door and running away, losing myself somewhere deep inside, I stumble upon this scripture--Luke 12:24 "be ye not of doubtful mind." I'm not a firm believer in the, "I need an answer so I'm just going to close my eyes and open my scriptures and the first one I look at is my answer...." I don't think that's how it works. But, in some closely-related fashion I opened up my scriptures just for my regular study and I was drawn to this one. And then I start to feel like Zaccharias, who wanted something but didn't believe it would happen even when the Lord sent an angel to tell him it would--Luke 1:19-20--"and, behold, thou shalt be dumb, and not able to speak, until the day that these things shall be performed, because thou believest not my words, which shall be fulfilled in their season."

hmm...there's that "timing" thing again.

which lead me to Luke 24:25--"O fools, and slow of heart to believe..." oh man, I think I'm being chastized here. And then maybe, Catherine, you need a little reminder. Mormon 9:9-11 "God is the same yesterday, today and forever, there is no variableness neither shadow of changing...[He is] a God of miracles." (Mormon chapter 9 is probably one of my favorite passages of scripture ever...I don't know why, but I find myself drawn back to it over and over in my life.) And inevitably I end up in the scripture that I needed to hear most--sometimes you have to put forth a little effort to "stumble on" your answer...pay the price, if you will.

Matt. 14: 31 "O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?"
Mark 4:40 "Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?"

*sigh* I don't know.

Mormon 9:27 "O then despise not and wonder not, but hearken unto the words of the Lord, and ask the Father in the name of Jesus for what things soever ye shall stand in need. Doubt not, but be believing, and begin as in times of old, and come unto the Lord with all your heart, and work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before him."

After contemplating this post already in my mind, I attempted to read the October 2010 conference edition of the ensign on our drive up to my grandparents in northern Arizona. I'm not much of a car reader...makes me want to die...but I made it through these two--Trust in God, then Go and Do and Faith--the Choice Is Yours. Probably not coincidental that in the first one President Eyring goes into detail about Peter's lack of faith on the water and quotes that same scripture, "wherefore didst thou doubt?" The second one talks about moving forward and having faith in the midst of unanswered questions, doubts, the unknown, the unseen and the unexplained...yeah...those things...that make me want to run.

Sometimes I need a reminder. Sometimes I need a smack in the face...apparently. I usually don't share these kinds of things with you. But it's where I'm at right now. And occassionally I get "open book" syndrome. I hope you don't mind.

I haven't written in a whole month. Wow. Sorry about that. Since you've been dying to know :), I'll catch you up on my December.

I went to not one, but two productions of "A Christmas Carol"--strike that--two performances of the same production (I had a friend in the cast.) My mom and I went to East Valley Mormon Choral Organization's christmas concert at the Mesa Arts Center--Let the Bells Ring (or something like that.) I have to say this really brought the Christmas spirit and began the season for me. Full orchestra, choirs ranging from 5 year olds to adults and some of my favorite Christmas songs--Sleigh Ride (my great grandmother used to play it on the piano and it always reminds me of her) and I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day. I really went to support my friend, Stacia, but I'm glad it was good cause we might have procrastinated getting tickets and had to pay a lot of money for "the only available seats." Communists... j/k. Last week, my sister, mom and I went to see Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker" at Phoenix Symphony Hall with the Phoenix Symphony and Ballet Arizona. This classic is one of my all time favorites and I don't think I've seen it since my freshman year in college at Ballet West in SLC. Don't worry, we did get there 2 hours early because my mom was that worried about finding our way around downtown (this woman is perpetually late so don't ask me why this moment was different) and don't worry, we DID get to see Miss U.S.A. read the children's book of The Nutcracker in the lobby before the doors opened. Yeah...my mom thought it was a background of the story as told by someone in the cast or crew....turns out it was just story time with little kids anxiously looking at pictures as read by the beautiful long-legged woman with the tiara. Kristin and I did find humor in this and sat on the ground and made my mom take a picture....and yes we made sure Miss U.S.A. was in it.

I interviewed for, and got a job--thank you Hailee!--for which I am most grateful. It means I can get myself out of debt and save for New York....anything that gets me closer to New York, I am grateful!

I participated in the musical marathon that IS Christmastime--sang & accompanied & directed in 4 wards, a fireside (best. fireside. ever....if you sat on my row, you know what I'm talking about..and if you didn't, sucks for you!), and organized and participated in a spiritual/musical presentation for our ward's Christmas party. As my good friend Hunter Brady says, "Being musical at Christmastime is like being a man with at truck." Amen, brotha.

I ran alot...in the literal sense. My friend Camille and I are training for a half marathon on January 29th. I've been racking up somewhere between 15-25 miles a week. On Christmas Eve we went for our 8-miler and were feeling so good we decided to run 10. At mile 6, however, I rolled my ankle and biffed it hard core. Awesome, huh! I just sat there laughing while Camille and her sister were trying to console me. I honestly just thought it was funny. After the pain subsided and I re-gained some feeling in my ankle I decided to run 4 more miles. Runner's high!!! It's still a little swollen so I've been trying to take it easy this week---it's just so hard!!! I've been forced to take about 48 hours off cause though I would run here, it is a butt cold 36 degrees at 7,000 feet and if that's not enough it's windier than the seat of Aunt Delilah's pants!!! (no, I don't know what that means, either.) My goal is to run the 1/2 in less than 2.5 hrs. I think this is do-able for sure, but I'm hoping to surprise myself.

I'm also putting together a team for this-->www.epicrelays.com Epic Oregon Relay on June 17-18 from Portland to Eugene, OR. If you are interested, let me know!!!

I had a self-love day. A day dedicated to myself, to treat myself and choose to not feel bad on my own very personal "I'm single and it's Valentine's Day" day. Initially my plans for my perfect day were thwarted for reasons beyond my control. So, I improvised, I got myself ready & looking cute, took myself out to lunch, went shopping, did some P90x yoga (though difficult, always leaves you feeling amazing), went to this place, because I couldn't think of a place that I would feel more loved--and indeed I did---and took a bubble bath. It was by no means a perfect day. I ate lunch by myself, it rained on me & ruined the hair I took the time to curl, I couldn't find the movie I wanted to watch, a button fell off my new (really cute by the way) coat, I didn't make the session I was trying to and missed rehearsing that night with a friend. But in all the madness of the torrential downpour and things not going as expected I just smiled and laughed to myself. No love is perfect, I thought. It's better that way.

And while we're on the topic, I went on a date! That makes 4 official dates (I think) this year...and a handful of non-official or "non-dates" as I call them. I realize how pathetic that sounds, but this is monumental my friends! And all of them were after this post (Doors.) Coincidental? Maybe...but probably not. I'm still in possession of the master key in case you were wondering. But I suppose there is reason to hope for a different story in 2011. Let's just say it's nice to have options. In the end, it makes the choice all the more meaningful. After all, I am off to taste the rainbow in New York City (that was for you, Erin.) I also learned that playing tag in bumper cars is way funner than you would think and re-affirmed that though I suck at bowling, I can still come out destroyer...ha. At least my date was a good bowler. I also learned more about Italy from one of the other guys on the date who served his mission there. He had better things to say about Venice than Florence, but I suppose I will have to find out for myself...someday :).

I spent a lot of time (once again) at this place. Kylee says I'm addicted. Maybe. But I also did not anticipate being here at this point in my life, and through a sequence of events felt guided to where I am and being able to go to this place. So I appreciate it all the more and feel the most peace and assurance there. That's all.

My sister came home and it's been nice to have another person my age in the house. Although my parents are always fun, they fall asleep on the couch within 5 minutes of every movie. So, there has been lots of good food, mostly Christmas cookies (and you wonder why I've been running so much), and lots of friends to have fun & share them with. That's what the holidays are all about right? People (friends & family), love & chocolate! ha.

I spent Christmas Eve first with my family and then with the family of a dear friend. Through one of their Christmas traditions, I was given the opportunity to reflect on what I've been most grateful for this year. And I realized I have a lot to be grateful for. My family, the addition of my new, healthy niece, Ella, the ability to release my album and the wonderful reception it has had (thank you thank you thank you!!! I don't know if you can ever fully understand how much it means to me!), I've lost 40 pounds!!!--I'm currently sitting here wearing pants that are two sizes smaller than the ones I was wearing this time last year. I still have more to go. By this time next year I plan to be wearing pants that are two sizes smaller than that...but I am fine with the slow & steady, it's been a rewarding process of finding myself again. I have met so many wonderful people this year that have meant so much to me and been there for me at the most unexpected times. When I moved here I knew relatively no one and left so many good friends in other places. It is nice to know you can find good people everywhere you go.

On Christmas we woke up late (things are a bit different when there's only 4 of us and we're all adults), went and saw Harry Potter in the theatre, made dinner (my dad makes some amazing salmon...just trust me, it's amazing), ate outside under candlelight, THEN opened our presents, sang Christmas carols and watched a movie. (oh and Kristin and I had a photoshoot in our matching Christmas pajamas...don'tbejealousiknowyouare.)

This month I was interviewed by my good friend, Nicole Sheahan and featured in a Mormon Times article about my music. I also found out that a song I sang on Reflections of Christ ("I Need Thee Every Hour") is being featured in an independent film coming out this year called "Higher Ground." And, this morning I did my first radio interview (over the phone) for yourldsradio.com with Cherie Call. It will be posted online Tuesday, so look for the link! I joked on facebook about being "famous and things"...well...not yet...but I really just want to share the music. So, I appreciate your help and support in that endeavor.

We'll be heading back to Mesa tonight and I will try to figure out what I'm doing for New Year's Eve. I am trying to look forward to this event and with it the coming of a new year that I hope will bring lots of growth and change like this year did. It's just that I became accutely aware of a certain New Year's tradition when I was around 16 or 17 and have yet to participate in it. This year it feels slightly more sensitive and though I could be crazy and just throw my inhibition out the door to participate in this tradition with just anyone it doesn't feel quite right. This is really not a big deal or the end of the world...but I am a girl. But by next year...hopefully it'll be a different story...hopefully I will be in Times Square and I will have no problem laying one on whatever moderately attractive male that is in my proximity. Ha. Ha. Let's hope he's drunk!!!

New Year's night I'll be celebrating the birth of one of my favorite people on earth, Ms. Kylee Shields. This is cause for celebration.

Then I'll go on to start my job and probably inevitably attempt to relate reading to other life endeavors and fill the minds of these 5th and 6th graders with the hope that through hard work and believing, anything is possible. This is the part of teaching that I love. Other parts I could care less for. But when you see a glimpse in a kid's eye that they actually get what you're saying and want to believe you, it makes it all worth it. I'm thinking of you, Gordon...the scrawny, red-headed awkward child in my class who took teasing and bullying from the others and dished it right back out. Who ate donuts and pixie sticks for breakfast and complained that you needed a Red Bull to start your day though without any candy or sugar at all you were running a mile a minute. Your parents split and your grandpa died halfway through the term and the rest of the kids made homophobic jokes about you even though you had a crush on the new girl with the glasses in the corner. You listened to me that day when I brought in my John Lennon "Imagine" playlist and I asked you to write or draw about what music means to you or about what you want to be in life and I said that no matter your circumstances now you could have that if you wanted and you worked hard and it didn't matter what anybody else said. And you started to stay after class and help me clean up Rhythm Bingo and you said it was because you didn't like your science teacher and didn't want to go to the next period. I saw in you what I hope to see in these other kids...hope and potential. You make teaching worthwhile. And I'm excited to go back.

This has been a long post, and I apologize for withholding and then pouring out like a broken faucet. It's how I roll...sometimes.

For now, Life, I'll try to believe in you. I'll try to push away that doubt that comes creeping in and threatens to destroy the progress I've made. I still feel this way. And I still am hoping for you to come through.

I want to believe in everything you say to me,
entreating me to be all that you see in me,
but I just need to know that love's always gonna show
when I'm afraid to be,
I hope that you carry me.
I hope that you carry me.

Thanks for taking the ride,

Catherine

THANK YOU!

2010-11-23T11:53:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone!

Happy (almost) Thanksgiving! What other day can we celebrate binge eating, laying around all day and watching too much TV and not feel bad about it? Hopefully you have a lot to feel thankful for and I hope your holiday is filled with food and family!

Here's what I'm thankful for:

My EP "The Truth" was released on Saturday, November 20th and it received such a warm reception at my release concert that night! It was all I could ever ask for after laboring over this musical child for so long. Letting it go out into the real world was a bit scary, but thank you to everyone who is embracing this record and loving it! It means the world to me! If you're interested in purchasing a copy, you can find it on iTunes, Amazon mp3, or get a physical copy through my blog www.catherinepapworth.blogspot.com. If you live locally in Mesa, AZ you can pick up a copy at Musician's Choice music store as well...or Kylee's house:).

Secondly, in honor of Thanksgiving and the fact that we just reached over FOUR HUNDRED fans on facebook (WHAT?!?!) and as a big THANK YOU to everyone for your amazing support for this record I am offering a fan exclusive download of my song "Carry Me" through my reverbnation page!!! This song is about being afraid and having someone to carry you through and my hope is as I go through my career that there will be amazing people like you who will remind me why I do this and that I can do this, so thank you thank you thank you!

Sorry for all of the gushing (but it's the holidays!) Have a great holiday and stay away from Aunt Edna's yams!!!

Catherine

What are you scared of?

2010-11-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

I'm Scared to try cuz I'm scared to fail
I'm scared to die cuz I'm scared of hell
I'm scared to kiss I'm scared to hug
I'm scared of sex cuz I'm scared to touch

I'm scared to look cuz I'm scared to see
I'm scared of you cuz I'm scared of me
I'm scared to fly I'm scared to crash
I'm scared to move on so I live in the past

I'm scared to fight cuz I'm scared to bleed
I'm scared to love cuz I'm scared he'll leave
I'm scared of drugs I'm scared to drink
I'm scared to swim cuz I'm scared to sink

I'm scared to learn cuz I'm scared of truth
Don't wanna gain weight cuz I'm scared of food
I'm scared to think that the label drop me
I'm scared to think of my album floppin...

This may sound silly but its true
So don't pretend it aint you too
We all afraid of something here
Cuz you aint human with out fear

I'm scared to start cuz I'm scared I'll quit
I'm scared that people won't like my s@#%
I'm scared of fame and paparazzi
of rumors starting and people watching

I'm scared to grow up cuz I'm scared to get old
I'm scared of the dark and being alone
I'm scared of war I'm scared of jail
Scared to share a secret cuz I'm scared you'll tell

This may sound silly but its true
This may sound silly but its true
So don't pretend it aint you too
But I aint too scared to share my fears
We all afraid of something here
Cuz you aint human with out fear

Dream Big

2010-11-10T00:18:00.000-08:00

"Amazing things come from the people who don't cower

to materialize their everyday thoughts and philosophies

as well as their wildest dreams and most genius ideas.

All are capable, but few rise to the challenge.

The challenge: forfeiting insecurity and a fear of the unknown,

accepting the possibility of rejection

and the crude opinion of others.

This is the spirit of Art.

This is the spirit of all great things."

-my 18 year old self

Learn Wisdom

Let Growth

Be Love

Accept Grace

Believe it when you're young, learn it as you grow, know it when you're old.

Re: Stacks

2010-11-05T01:02:00.000-07:00

So I listen to this podcast, usually every Monday while cleaning my room, and...this week they played a clip of a song by a professional acappella group called Sonos. I went searching iTunes to figure out what this song was and found out it's called "Re: Stacks", which seemed familiar but I didn't know why. I of course purchased it and have been listening to it nonstop for about two days. Then, I decided to google the lyrics and soon found out, to almost no surprise, that it is originally by my serious lover of my soul of the moment Bon Iver. Duh. No wonder I love it. His music speaks to me. And it continues to. So there you go. Here is the Sonos version and the original. Enjoy and let it satiate your weary soul. That is my advice. You're welcome. The end.

Re: Stacks

by Bon Iver

This my excavation and today is kumran

Everything that happens is from now on

This is pouring rain

This is paralyzed

I keep throwing it down two-hundred at a time

It's hard to find it when you knew it

When your money's gone

And you're drunk as hell

On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks are your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load

I've twisting to the sun I needed to replace

The fountain in the front yard is rusted out

All my love was down

In a frozen ground

There's a black crow sitting across from me; his wiry legs are crossed

And he's dangling my keys he even fakes a toss

Whatever could it be

That has brought me to this loss?

On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load

This is not the sound of a new man or a crispy realization

It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

Your love will be safe with me

Your love will be safe with me

Lost

2010-10-28T17:31:00.001-07:00

Two years ago this November I went to this concert. I don't understand how you couldn't think these guys are brilliant. They're the kind of band that it wouldn't matter if they never made it big, if they were still playing in their garage, they would still make great music, and I would love it. In fact, I kind of wish they still played in their garage...for only me. ha. Chris, Guy, Will and the other guy...jk Jonny....I have physically, but not spiritually washed my hand since shaking yours. I don't know what that means.

LOST!

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm across

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved
No better and no worse

I just got lost!
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Oh and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost!
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Oh and I'm just waiting til the firing's stopped
Oh and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off

Probably one of my most favorite moments from this concert...on the SLC stop, I wasn't in Melbourne...I wish.

Shae Fiol-A Woman's Presence

2010-10-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

Shae Fiol is a Brooklyn-based artist, originally from Portland, OR. She's crazy talented, and though I may be slightly biased, I don't think my bias detracts from this fact...cause she is...but she's also the sister of one of my best friends from high school, Lia. Their mom, Beth, Lia and Shae are some of the most talented, beautiful, awesome people I've ever met.

A night with these ladies would probably include making dinner with food straight from their garden, pulling out the mandolin, piano & guitars, talking about the amazingness of Oscar Peterson and Chaka Khan, going on an after dinner walk through their beautiful Portland (area) neighborhood, sitting in a drum circle and jamming and improving for hours on end, dancing to the ensuing afro-latin beats, enjoying the late Portland summer sunset, drinking wine & beer (not me), and basking in the moment and the beauty and rhythm that is life and the earth around us. They are artists in the truest sense, in the creativity and beauty and joy that surround them.

I have yet to travel to their New Hampshire (is it?) cabin/home/lake/garden/farm where they have been residing off and on for the last few years since Beth retired. But, someday I will and I can't wait. Also, Lia, I miss you and I need to come see you in Madison...it's true.

This song is speaking to me. I listened to it on repeat on my 1 AM run the other night...yes, 1AM, I'm crazy...so sue me. You can find Shae's album, "Catch a Ride" on iTunes.

A Woman's Presence by Shae Fiol

There is a woman's presence

wrapped around you

that has me afraid to

pick up where she left off

and you claim she's been lost

but I sense her touch

in your reaction to each of my advances

your body responds to where she's been

and the scars of love and war

you show she was here before me

ooo you ain't ready

you ain't ready

there is a woman's presence

wrapped around you

that I pretend I don't see it

but when the two of us are alone

and caught in emotion, I hear

the echo

of the issues you've been through

and I can't go there with you

I'm not here to help you forget

I am not her replacement

you ain't ready

you ain't ready

I don't deserve to feel you want her

I don't deserve to feel you want her

but your mind can't fight your heart's decision

and I can't fight my intuition and

you ain't ready

you ain't ready

my love is sweet and strong

I don't want to beg anymore

Baby, she's gone

can we please move on?

there is a woman's presence

wrapped around you

India.Arie + Shae Fiol=LOVE. Remember what I said about improving & being in the moment?

I love my brother.

2010-10-20T13:08:00.000-07:00

I sometimes forget how funny my brother is. He will be offended when he hears me say that...but only because he is fully aware of how funny he is :)!!! jokes.

I started to share this on facebook today but apparently you can only have 420 character status updates. So here was the full list of quotes, though there were probably more.

"I hate when people say that...she looks like Gwyneth Paltrow...and then I see her and she looks like Fat Albert...She looks nothing like Gwyneth Paltrow."

"You wrote a lot of good songs, but you're going to hell."

"Kristin, kristi, kristin, kristi, kristin, kristi, kriiiiiistiiiiii said..."

"The light just turned red and this bus thought the porsche was going to go through but it didn't. That bus driver was just like, 'AHHHH!' (**screaming out loud--he was walking in downtown Denver with I'm sure lots of people around**) That bus almost just swallowed that porsche whole and farted it out the tail pipe."

Michael: "We gotten started..." Me: "just...we started.." Michael: "yeah, we started..gotten..."

Michael: "I saw myself getting married to her many times." Me: "For a second I thought you said, 'I found myself getting married to her many times.' Michael: "yeah, I just kept marrying her over and over and over and over."

"I don't think God blesses all marriages/unions/etc. If some people were like, 'hey, do you approve of this marriage?' he'd be like, 'no dude, I don't."

Michael's wise words:

"It bugs me in the culture of the church we think of things in 'if we're righteous, we're blessed, if things don't work out it's cause we did something wrong.' We automatically make everything competitive. If something works out for someone else it's like, 'well, they must be more righteous than me. I must not be righteous. I must be doing something wrong.' But you don't necessarily know that that person's "fortune" e.g. marriage, job, family, etc etc. are even a good thing or even the best thing. You have to realize that there is a best thing for you and it doesn't have to do with things working out for anyone else. You don't deserve to be happy before someone else or vice versa, your timing is all your own. Don't automatically compare yourself to other people. Just keep being righteous and doing your thing, it's between you and the Lord."

I've already shared these videos, but in case you missed them.

Chapter 2: The Idea of Love

2010-10-18T23:22:00.001-07:00

This is Chapter 2 of my "Love Posts." You can read Chapter 1: Love is a Choice here. I apologize to any readers who have been waiting patiently for this post. I don't know why it's taken me so long to write it. I have literally written it on my 'to do' list and even sat down with my hands on the keyboard ready to type it but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not sure why. I felt myself enmeshed in a certain situation that I feared might distract me from getting to the point or make me biased on the topic. It's a strange thought however, since anything I say, my opinions on love and my view of the world, is going to be inextricably subjective. There isn't really any way around it. So I'm not sure why waiting would make me more objective. But I do know now that anything I say will be the honest truth, tried and tested in my own life. As always, I am interested in your thoughts on the topic. Treat this like a thread if you'd like.

Now onto the preface...cause I always have to have one of these...get my current thoughts out of my head so I can embellish on the real subject. If you want the real point of this post (i.e. all of you men out there--hey, I am not bashing males here just celebrating and accepting our differences...and I know that all you really want is the point so...) go ahead and skip to "The Idea of Love" below.

Preface to the preface: morning person

I am sitting here drinking my often ritual herbal peppermint tea with my candle glowing and light music playing in the background. This night ritual is sometimes preceded with a bubble bath but usually followed every other night with reading, not blogging. Yesterday, I made a pact with myself and I am already breaking it to write to you. I've decided to become a morning person. If any of you really know me out there your mouth may be falling to the floor. You actually are probably thinking, "prove it to me." So...I'll try. Two nights ago I stayed up chatting with good friends 'til almost 2AM. I then stayed up 'til 4AM after I got home. My head popped off the pillow at the early hour of 12 NOON! the next day---hey...I need my 8 hours...I may not get it when you do...but I don't function on less than 8 and sometimes more--and my first thought was, "Man, 4AM is a TERRIBLE bedtime." This is the first time I have ever in my life had a thought like this...a genuine, whole-hearted desire to stop staying up late and a complete disinterest in that terrible feeling of waking up when half of the day is over. This was truly of my own volition and not out of guilt because I missed a class or didn't get up and work out like I had planned the night before. There was no reason I needed to get up before noon that day and it was of no consequence to anyone that I went to bed at 4am either. So it makes no sense why now after all this time that I finally change my mind. I am a night owl in the truest sense. I am nocturnal. I should have been born an owl or a bat or some other strange nightly creature. The night doesn't scare me. It's when I'm awake and alert and creative and can lose track of time on a subject without being bothered with the structured hours of the day. It's the night...it's my solitude. But, I love the morning, too...I just don't get to experience it quite as often, at least not waking up to it...going to bed to it I know really well. I am not a morning person. In fact, it would be wise to not try to wake me up in the morning or talk to me within two hours of getting up on most days. You won't find me, you'll find someone else. I take no responsibility.

Anyway, there was a time when I was a morning person. It was one summer and it was brief. Life was good though. I love the sunrise and that summer when we got up at 4 and trekked up to Council Crest Park to watch the sun peak over the horizon and onto the beautiful city of Portland...for no reason but to just be enveloped in its beauty. Those were good days. I do love the morning. It's the start of a day...a day of endless possibility...well a day of a lot of possibilities. There's a fresh feeling and a feeling that you can go and accomplish whatever you want. You get to start over. You get to make it good. When you wake up at 12 you don't get that feeling. I want to change this. Even though I tend to write the most late at night, maybe I can find my solitude and inspiration in the morning. So, my bedtime needs to change. And I can't write to you into the night like I am doing right at this moment. This is obviously going to take some work.

Preface: milestone

Today I met a milestone. We passed along the road. I stopped, said hello, we chatted for a few minutes, I thanked him for the kind meeting and I went along my way. Later on I stopped for a minute by the road to think and ponder about meeting this milestone. I was happy to see him, but I'm also very happy to be passing by. This moment was monumental for me but for most of you my moment on the road today was a passing glance or a silent speck on the film of life. So as its meaning and importance isn't as valuable to you, I will share it with you anyway.

Today I weighed myself (something I only do when I feel like it and know and feel beforehand that if I'm going to do it then it is going to not matter to me what number I see. It's only to make an observation and not a judgment. Of course when the outcome is good I allow myself a brief moment of victory. Who wouldn't.) The milestone: As of weighing myself today I have lost 30 pounds. 30 pounds. Thirty pounds. I'm going to say it again: thiiirrrtttyyy pounds. What? Really? That's a lot. That's gross that I had 30 pounds to lose. But I'm not mad about it or judging myself for it. I have 20 more pounds or so to go. That is my goal at least. When I get there we'll see if it's all I want. But that's a matter of finding myself and has nothing to do with what anyone else thinks.

I'm not on a diet. I believe in eating healthy, whole foods. My relationship with food is basically summed up here. I exercise, I run, I stay active. But mainly I believe it's how you think that matters. "As a man thinketh, so is he."--James Allen (good book by the way, and short) I choose to be happy. I choose to love my life. I choose to love myself. Even on the weeks when boys dump me, my ipod dies, I wake up to the reality of my finances and realize I need to find work (job searching is one of the more depressing activities in life), and when I see how I'm so close to what I want, and yet so far away (New York, I'm talking about you.) I choose to love myself and my life even on a week like this. I see myself not where I am now, but where I want to be. I literally see myself in the mirror that way. This makes for a frustrating discovery because this method doesn't work when looking at pictures of yourself. Those pictures are freeze framed in time and capture you exactly where you are in your progress at that moment. But I brush it off and keep going because I know where I'm headed. I keep a number in my head, usually in 5 pound increments...I find that I am usually dead on this number each time I decide to weigh myself. All I'm saying is, you can be whatever you want to be. You can do whatever you want to do. You can achieve whatever you want to achieve. It's all in how you think.

Anyway, this is good news, right? The half of it that you don't know is: this is the weight I was at, the very weight I was at before I told him basically to get out of my life. That talk happened the first week of January and within 3 months, a whirlwind semester including a competitive journey that took us to LA, SF and NYC DURING SCHOOL, a strenuous relationship with some of my classes and professors and no "me" time, I gained 10 pounds. That summer, I moved to Portland with only my bicycle and my feet to get around, went running or hiking at least 3 times a week, rode my bike everywhere--to work, for fun (Johnson Creek River Trail to the Waterfront, up Hawthorne to Mt. Tabor and back home....I love Portland so much!) & to visit friends--and hardly ate except for basmati rice, the house salad and sourdough rolls from the restaurant I worked at as any form of a steady diet because I didn't even have a fridge to keep food in. Somehow even with all of that activity, I gained 10 more pounds. I realize now this had to do with the fact that I lived less than 2 miles from his house. At some point in the next year or two I fluctuated between another 10 pounds...making 30 pounds total.

My body was out of whack and even my normal exercising and eating whole foods wouldn't cure it. I even ran a half marathon thinking in my attempt and through training that it would jump start me. It didn't. I still ran the half marathon, though.

Gaining weight wasn't a simple matter of calories in calories out for me. It was a protection, from him and anyone else who would try to hurt me. It was a manifestation of what he made me feel I was: nothing. So I became that. I completely lost myself.

But, I don't believe in being a victim. I think sometimes people victimize you. But, it's not for me to judge his reasons or anyone's reasons for doing that. There comes a certain point when you have to take ownership for your life. You have to change the way you think and heal the things you can and move on the best way you know how. So, after 3.5 years I am back here, back to this milestone. And I said goodbye, just as non-chalantly as I said hello, and I won't regret never meeting him again.

The Idea of Love

I have a good friend from college, Ashkan, who is very dear to me. We have the kind of relationship that never needed any maintenance. It was there when we needed it and it was fine when we didn't. We studied music and art history together, vowing to get another 100% (I think it happened once.) We sat in his apartment with our matching slippers eating honey bunches of oats with his lactaid milk (so good!) and watching episodes of LOST back to back for hours. We went on long bike rides just to smell the fresh air. One time we synced our ipods up to the X&Y album and went for an hour long run...same music in our separate earbuds. This was an awesome run...for me...he puked after. We drove to Salt Lake and sat in coffee shops just to feel like we were in some sort of metropolitan atmosphere and to forget that we lived in Utah. We had long talks about life and our differences in religion and similarities in spirituality (he was my one non-member friend at BYU...so of course I held onto him! I have a maybe strange to you but normal for me need for diversity in my life.) We watched indie films and documentaries (he was a film major) and listened to Sigur Ros and Sufjan Stevens. We jammed out on the guitar and the djembe and even gigged together a few times. I may have fallen asleep on his couch a time or two---shhh don't tell the honor code office---but he would let me stay (he slept in his room...just to clear that up), because from time to time I needed someone, someone safe, someone like him. And, (to get to my point) we had lots of talks about love. We went through simultaneous relationships and break-ups and were there for each other in the interim. I listened, he listened, I cried, he...probably didn't cry. But, anyway, after years and years of troubled relationships he finally met his awesome wife, Brandi. They met late spring one year and were married that August. She is almost 10 years older and neither of them were looking for each other. I asked him about their relationship after they were engaged and what he said to me is something I will always carry with me now. He said:

"The problem with the way that two people meet is that you meet somebody and you start to like them and you create this complete idea of who this person is that really has no founding on who that person really is. But, it's a manifestation of who you want that person to be. You have built up this idea in your mind and you spend the rest of your relationship trying to make that person live up to your idea of them and being let down every time you realize they're not. The reason Brandi and I worked is that we met each other with no pretenses. We just got to know each other without thinking about each other and placing each other in this fantasy world in our heads. We got to know the real version of each other. And, we already were what we wanted. She already was what I wanted and vice versa."

Take the lyrics to this song, "I fell in love with the dream that I built of you, playing the part of the queen." Do you do this? I know I have, it's lame. I mean, I have a dream of John Mayer and Johnny Depp and James McAvoy. It's great, they love me (each separately), they're wonderful, they worship the ground I walk on. But, it's not real...I am so unfortunately aware of this reality. It's fiiiiine. But we do this to each other. Why do we do this to each other?

Here's my advice, my suggestion, my soap box, if you will. We need to be honest with each other. We need to not strategize and manipulate and try to pretend we're something we're not and try to pretend they're something they're not in order to make ourselves fit together. Don't say you're okay with their career choice and then secretly know inside that once you are together you will try to change their mind, or worse after you're married. Don't say you enjoy the theatre or dancing or this or that movie because you know he enjoys them when you really hate those things or could care less. If they really like/love you it won't matter to them that you don't like that movie. They will love you for who you are. And isn't that what you want anyway? So BE YOUR-FREAKING-SELF.

Here's why:

Too many people are afraid to tell someone the honest truth about who they are and about what they want. He or she says, "I don't want to tell them the truth or be myself...they may not like me...and what if they're 'the one'." Really? You are afraid so & so won't like you and then you think they could be "the one"? You really think "the one" is not going to like you? If they're not "the one" wouldn't you want to know that now instead of years down the road?

If you are completely genuine and honest about who you are and how you feel about the other person, AND taking into account that you are a relatively sane person, and that person doesn't like you---don't take it personally. Stop yourself. If you are 100% genuine and authentic and they don't like who you are it doesn't change who you are. They just don't like you. And there's not a problem with that. You're spaghetti and they like tacos. You are going to find a spaghetti lover. You will feel much more comfortable and happy with your future spaghetti lover than always trying to please your taco lover. Am I making sense? It's okay if I'm not, cause it's almost 2 AM now. Taco Bell is still open...hence the taco reference. jokes.

So people, let's just be upfront with each other. That is my wish. Let's stop creating ideas in our head of who somebody is that fits into what we want and just be real. Get to know the real him/her and figure out much more quickly if they're what you want. Be the real you and you don't need to worry about whether or not someone likes you. Feel good about who you are. Let's find something more real. It'll be better. I promise. You won't regret it. (That is what I tell myself at least, as I just got through meeting another taco lover. But I don't think I'm wrong about this. What do you think?)

I'm so tired now I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm going to leave you with this song that I love right now. I downloaded the acoustic version through his facebook account last week. There is a line that I love and it relates to this topic. It has a spot in my favorite lyrics of the moment...that and a line from Brooke Fraser ft. Aqualung's song "Who Are We Fooling?"--great song, check it out.

This song is written in second person, but my personal interpretation is that he's talking to himself. I like this idea better. And I can relate. You can make songs what you want them to be, just not people. Remember that.

Goodnight.

Take A Bow

take a bow
cause you played your heart out
and take your time with working the rest out
and try & stay out of your head

i have seen you invent the damndest things there

oh so what
maybe she could not really ever see you through her self
what does that change about you or her?

and try and to stay out of your head

i have seen you invent the damndest things there

maybe down the road i'll see you in a blur
from the speed of light you moving with her
maybe down the road i'll see you in a blur
see you in a blur

don't lean back, my friend

there's not much there that will push you on

use your stride, slow

and pick it up over time
and try & stay out of your head
i have seen you invent the damndest things there
and try & stay out of your head
i have seen you invent the damndest things there

Running Race

2010-10-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

**Remember you can pre-order a signed copy of my EP and get a free acoustic download of "Enough" in the next two weeks!!!

Running Race

by Catherine Papworth

10/11/10

Are you scared little boy?

standing there at the start

afraid that the gun will deploy

you sit in your lonely heart

she could be your savior

she could be your friend

carry your heart to enable you

till you reach your bitter end

but love is not a running race

take it at your own pace

love is not a running race

not this love

some of us run to the fire

but burn out before it's done

some raise their fists like a lion

and hope their cowardly heart has won

you keep your love at a distance

then she walked into your view

you start to form the resistance

but she saw inside of you

and said,

love is not a running race

take it at your own pace

love is not a running race

take it at your own pace

love is not a running race

not this love

are you afraid you won't need her?

afraid you can't keep her

all you gotta do is believe her

when she says,

that love is not a running race

take it at your own pace

love is not a running race

take it at your own pace

love is not a running race

take it at your own pace

love is not a running race

not this love

love is not a running race

take it at your own pace

love is not a running race

not this love.

EP PRE-ORDER

2010-10-11T13:17:00.001-07:00

Hey friends!

This day has arrived. I am so excited. Put on your Depends cause this is peeyourpantsworthy.

You can pre-order my EP via paypal for the next two weeks! I will be sending out all pre-orders up to a week before the official release date on November 6th. I will be signing all pre-orders AND if you enter your e-mail address I will send you an acoustic version of "Enough" sometime in the next two weeks. Do you hear that?!??!! A free song AND a signed copy of the EP!!! That's exciting.

The EP will also be available on iTunes on Nov. 6. After the release date, physical copies can be purchased through my website or in person/at shows!

Go to my reverbnation page to listen to the title track "The Truth" and the EP version of "Enough." Keep checking back because I will be posting more songs as the release date gets closer.

The track listing is as follows:

The Truth EP

1. The Truth

2. Golden

3. Enough

4. Cry Baby Cry

5. Tug of War

6. Somewhere Over the Rainbow

DONATIONS:

I write, record, produce and make all of my music myself. So, in other words, I pay for and produce everything you hear. I want to continue to make music that uplifts and inspires people and helps us all get through this day to day business we call life and love. I don't have a label backing me or a rich uncle dedicated to my cause (wouldn't that be sweet!) so if you feel so inclined to donate to my cause (honestly a dollar would help) I would appreciate it immensely. 100% of donations will go toward funding this EP release and also the full length album that I am working on and will mean getting it to you even sooner! Thank you in advance for your support and love! I could not do what I do without it!

Much love,

Catherine

(follow me on Twitter and Facebook to for more news, updates and info!

carry me

2010-10-05T12:01:00.000-07:00

carry me

by catherine papworth

9/29/10

you have wings

golden and sturdy

you carry things

right where you wanna be

the world is yours

you can open any doors

i'm just a girl

blue eyes and yellow curls

afraid of the world

i keep to myself what i wanna be

i hide in my reverie

and i can't even say things that i wanna say

and i'm afraid to see what's right in front of me

and i don't wanna know that love's never gonna show

when i'm afraid to be

i hope that you carry me

mmm...

you are the breeze

soft like a baby's cheek

you travel the seas

and glide between endless leaves

your brilliance soars

you're strong like the ocean's roar

i'm just a seed

planted inside a shroud

inclined to believe

the world is a stomping ground

above my head

i can't sleep inside this bed

and i can't even say things that i wanna say

and i'm afraid to see what's right in front of me

and i don't wanna know that love's never gonna show

when i'm afraid to be

i hope that you carry me

mmm...

and i want to believe in everything you say to me

entreating me to be all that you see in me

but i just need to know that love's always gonna show

when i'm afraid to be

i hope that you carry me

mmm...

oh carry me

I just love this woman.

2010-09-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

Love. Chapter 1: Love is a choice.

2010-09-23T00:57:00.000-07:00

**if you want to get down to the point of this post, skip to "Chapter 1."

Preface

I've had this blog post in my head for a week or two now. I don't know why I'm deciding to write it now, at 1 am on a wednesday night/thursday morning after musing on it and almost writing it several times before this. I wasn't going to write it at all actually. I have been thinking about cutting down on my blogging/facebooking/tweeting/youtubing/gmailing/etc etc in general. These are hard habits to break, but the point is to stay connected and...I agree with Christopher's sentiment on this week's podcast final thought....I'd rather be connected to 5 of you one on one, in your presence, even on the phone, than find out through fb what 1,000 people are up to. And it bothers me that I feel more connected to my close friends that are scattered in AZ, UT, OR, CA, NY, WI, IL, IA, TX, WA, PA, etc through the internet than in real life (I'm sorry if I forgot someone...shout it out!) And I just finished my album and part of me just wants to take a step back and spend a little more time seeing, hearing, absorbing, pondering, sampling, changing, learning, stretching, loving and living life and the world around me. I want to fill myself back up with life and love, let it incubate for a time and then put it down on paper. I've spent so much time on the output in the last few months, it's time for a re-charge. So my diary entries may become less public, which probably won't bother you, because how many of you really want to read a novel about what I'm thinking? And I will try to spend my time connecting in other ways with real people...where are they to be found? I don't know, but I want to find them...so I will.

I went on a run tonight...I needed to get out some angst I'd been feeling. I ran this morning, about 3 miles and with tonight that makes 5. Sometimes I wonder if this uneasiness I'm feeling in my soul really has to do with the desire I put out there to lose another 25 pounds...it's really just a manifestation of the image of what I want that I put out into the universe...it's answering me with an unfulfilled heart, so I will run my pain away and drop that extra weight. I've figured it out. Genius. Anyway, Coldplay accompanied me on this run under a full moon (or almost full.) The X&Y album brought me back to a different time...to a scar that I have done my best to and continually try to heal, but sometimes still find bleeding. This song--What if I got it wrong, and no poem or song, could put right what I got wrong, or make you feel I belong. What if you should decide, that you don't want me there by your side. That you don't want me there in your life.--played first...my very fear that came true. And I'm fine now that it did. But, I don't want to believe it will always come true...so I toughened up and ran harder. And then this one. I don't care what you say about this song...how it's over played, over covered, not that good, cliche, not your favorite....it will probably always be one of my favorite songs because it means something personal to me, and I might've cried a little when I saw it live (on the 3rd row my friends!!!) Because it means sadness and loss and eventual redemption. And it takes me back to that frigid day in November when he unloaded all of his angst about life and other girls and life again on me and I took it and held his hand and told him it would be okay, and when he was done he told me again that it wasn't going to work and that I should go, and he put his coat on me, kissed my forehead and let me walk away. At least he cared that I wasn't cold, and though he loved me, he didn't choose me, and it wasn't enough. So I walked home in an over-sized winter coat with literal tears streaming down my face because this time, for the first time in a year, he chose not to walk by my side, and I listened to "Fix You" through my headphones on repeat (I'm sure this was a really sad and mostly pathetic sight to see) and then spent 3 days in the bathtub with this song on repeat...Chris Martin, you understood my pain and couldn't have put it more plainly. And finally years later I'm living that hope that I held onto lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you. Though nobody did come to fix me, mend my heart, fill that void, take his place except for extremely loving family and friends and a loving Heavenly Father, all of which I could not live without...with their help and on my own, I fixed myself. Sometimes life brings you back there though...not to a place where you're not over that person...those feelings are long gone...but just not over what happened to you and the fear of it happening to you again. So I spoke with my loving big brother on the phone, took a bath with essential oils this time instead of the usual gardenia bubbles, cozied up in my bath robe (cause who really likes to wear real clothes), put on my hot pink socks (ow ow!) that I got at the BYU Creamery--3 for $1--to snuggle my feet...yes...I just said that...sometimes you need a good snuggle, and enjoyed a fat free yoplait raspberry cheesecake yogurt. It's all about the small things. (yoplait made into my last blog post, what is this?) So I am relaxed and ready to spill my mind on the topic of discussion for today: love.

Disclaimer: These are only my unadulterated thoughts from my own misguided and limited experiences. Take them with a grain of salt if you must, or take them to heart. This is mainly for you single people out there. If you're in a healthy, happy, committed relationship and preferably marriage relationship...you can disregard this entire post. But I hope you do read it and you tell me what you think, because I'd rather this be a discussion. And since you have reached this phenomenon of a situation, if you disagree with me, you are automatically right and I wrong....though I may still use my discretion to determine that. Here we go.

Chapter 1: Love is a choice.

You're about to think that I'm completely unromantic, but I will attempt to prove you wrong. I took a class in college (I think it was the one on the proclamation on the family, but I'm not sure) and the professor said something that just ignited a giant light bulb in my brain. He was talking about the idea of soul mates and how our generation is caught up with the idea that there is one person out there who is destined to be our soul mate and we must find them or else we'll never be happy and when we do find them our souls collide like magnets and we can't live or breathe without that person and we're completely compelled to love them because of this cloud of incredible love that we're floating on...we can't see the ground and everything about them makes us go wild and it's almost toxic how in love we are and we just can't help how we feel and it's not our fault...they're our soul mate and it's destiny.

I think I just puked a little in my mouth....not really, but I don't like this idea very much at all. He said, "You think this is extremely romantic. You think the idea of finding your soul mate and the way it'll make you feel is the most beautiful, awesome, romantic thing there ever was. But, it isn't romantic at all. You say 'I love you' because the cosmos aligned and the world delivered up a fantasy that you've carried around with you your whole life and you say you are compelled to love them by this fact, though what you're really saying is 'I love this high that I'm on right now.' How unromantic is that? I love you because I have to? And wouldn't it be just as easy to end up saying, 'I've fallen out of love with you because those feelings just aren't there anymore?' Isn't it a billion times more romantic to say, 'I love you because I choose to?' Because I have a choice in the matter? There are 6 billion other people in the world and I choose to love you. I'm aware that I could fall in love with at least a handful of people if put in the right circumstance, but who I want is you. I choose to love all of you...the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the annoying, the you that doesn't quite live up to my fantasy, but the you that I respect and adore, the you that is young and beautiful, the you that has wrinkles and a sagging belly, the you that makes mistakes, the you that doesn't always live up to my expectations, the you that causes me pain, the you that immediately tells me you're sorry, the you that leaves chunks of toothpaste in the sink, the you that zones out of our conversation when I really just want you to listen, the you that will never quite make enough money to satisfy my worldly desires, but the you that chooses me over anything else, the you that makes me want to be better than I already am, the you that isn't afraid to hold some of the burden I'm carrying, the you that will lift me up when I'm not sure how to go on, the you that enables me to reach higher and shoot for my dreams, the you that chooses to love me back and all of my idiosyncrasies. We're in love because we choose to be...on good days and on bad days. We are soul mates and we became soul mates, but not because we were compelled to be, but because we chose each other as our soul mates. And our love isn't selfish and solely based on the way it makes us feel or how incredibly hot I think he/she is, but on respect and admiration and a healthy view of what it means to take care of another person's needs over your own (read this book)....and how hot we are for each other :)" --joking aside, I don't remember what he actually said in this lecture, at least not verbatim, but this is, in my words, what he said and what I learned.

It makes a lot more sense how someone could let you go now, doesn't it? But, I thought he/she was my soul mate...I thought we were perfect...I thought they were everything I'd ever need...we felt the same way...we were so compatible...there was so much passion and love...I'm not sure how I can live without them...we finished each other's sentences...we wanted the same things...we talked about getting married....... Maybe all of that is true, but what it comes down to is they didn't choose you. And right then and there despite all of the heartache you feel you should ask yourself this very question and determine to see this situation differently---"Do I really want to be with someone who didn't choose me back? Do I really want to be with someone who doesn't love me back? Do I really want to be with someone who is okay with letting me walk away?" Sure, it hurts...you have a scar...I have a few, it's okay. But, stop yourself from being hung up over someone and the idea of being with someone who made a conscious choice to not have you in their life. It's sad, it's depressing, but it's true and you deserve more than that.

I'm not saying this person is a bad person, I don't know them, I can't determine that. Maybe they did the right thing. They know they can't love you the way you deserve to be loved. They know they can't be real with you. They know there is something more out there for them. And there is something more out there for you.

Final thought:

Despite my realist views on love, I am a deeply passionate person and I do believe in being in love. But I also believe in choosing to love someone, not just be "in love" with someone. It's that kind of love that holds you through bad times and helps you remember to put that person first. It's not a one time choice, it's a choice you make everyday...like when your hot secretary comes on to you or on the days when you let yourself wonder if there is something more. You won't always feel on cloud 9 so you have to build a reservoir to sustain you when those flighty love feelings wear off. There is something much deeper and much more beautiful beneath the surface and that's the kind of love that I want. And I believe I can find it, despite the fact that it baffles my mind how two people find each other and choose to love one another. Because I do believe it's a choice as I've stated 100x previous, so how do you find someone that will choose you back? I don't know...but for all of you out there who have found it, I commend you and hope that you don't waste any of your precious time and energy not recognizing what a beautiful phenomenon it is. I hope you cherish it and work for it and love every bitter and sweet moment of it.

I realized that this post is going to be really long. And since I have so many thoughts swirling, I will have to break this up into segments so I can fully say what I want to say. So much for cutting down on blogging.

Tune in for the next chapter: Are you in love with me, or the idea of me?

The Truth

2010-09-18T10:37:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here in a hotel room in San Francisco listening to Noteworthy's album, the sound of planes taking off in the background, and eating a luke warm yoplait yogurt with a fork...just painting a picture for you. My parents are here on business, as am I...fancy that. So, to keep in line with being the mooch I've been to them for the past year, I of course stayed here last night...jk, my mom can't live without me ;)...love you mom.

Last night at 11 pm I left Milpitas with master CDs to my EP and the Noteworthy album in my hand!!! the culmination of almost 2 years of intermittent work...the bulk of which happened over the last few months. I arranged or co-arranged 8 of the 14 tracks on NW's album and added to the arrangements of at least 3 more for the studio. The girls put so much into this album, including incredible singing, solos, original songs and lots and lots of heart! I am so proud of them and this piece of work. It may not make waves or be the best thing you've ever heard since the invention of collegiate acappella in 2006 (that was for you Christopher), but it's good...and I enjoy litsening to it. And I hope you will too. And that' s the point. (**Thank you Bill Hare!!! and the Hare family--Jennie, Katie & Laura for being incredible hosts and friends this week!!!)

And so the fruits of my labors have been born....after a long, painful, arduous, anxiety-ridden, sometimes rewarding, mentally & emotionally taxing gestation period. I have spent all of this time and energy bringing these music babies to life and they're here...little music infants, not quite ready for the world...but they have to be...usually you get 18 years for this kind of thing...but suddenly I have to send them off into the world and hope that you care for them as much as I do. It's kind of strange. But it's time. Long "overdue", if you will. So that is my hope, that you will love them and take care of them and cherish them and snuggle them and hold them like all good music babies should be loved. Can I count on you?

Now comes a few weeks of the mundane but necessary business side of things...researching, registering songs and business/publishing, mechanical royalties, album art, replication, website design, CD release concert, etc etc...all that fun stuff. And the big, NOW WHAT?! I'm excited for that part...the unknown possibility. I have some things in mind...and I'm not afraid to dive in this time...maybe take a step back and garner a little more from the world...decide what I want to say this time around...who I want to be... And I hope you come along for the ride.

So here I am sitting in my hotel room alone...overly joyed with how the last week went and that I finished something that was really hard and mostly that I got over my own self and pursued something that I wanted...because I had a dream and I wanted to share it with you. And soon I will. But...that joy is somehow slightly less than full...because I'm sitting here alone. I was going to play in the city this weekend, though those plans were slightly hampered by the fact that my friend who was going to join me on this venture is stuck in Utah. And, I could stay and play on my own or just hang out for a few days. But, I can't help but think this moment would be so much better if I was with the people I care about and love...those people are scattered all across the U.S...so this can't be fully accomplished. But for now, I want to go home. Because I am wholly feeling the sentiment to the title track of my EP....nothing ever has come close, and in the end what matters most is love. So that's the message I'm leaving with you at the culmination of this thing....dreams are great and all, but without love nothing truly matters.

The Truth
by Catherine Papworth

On this night I feel so all alone
empty walls surrounding my empty bones
and everything is alright,
but I just can't shake this feeling inside
'cause I've been looking for
something I ain't had before
something beautiful,
something just to make me whole
but everybody, we all need
we need somebody
'cause nothing ever has come close,
and in the end what matters most is
love

I met a man out on highway 25
he said he left his kids and kissed his wife goodbye
he said,
I'm out to lose myself on the open road
but searching 'round all the world
he ain't gonna find what he's got at home
but he went looking for
something he thought he'd had before
something beautiful,
something just to make him whole
but everybody, we all need
we need somebody
'cause nothing ever did come close
and he found out what matters most is
love

people dying, worlds are fighting
and in our homes are children crying
tell me what we're gonna do,
look at the way we live,
the things we choose
'cause everybody needs a home,
the truth is this and this I know
we all fighting just to find a way,
in love
in love

we've been looking for
something we ain't had before
something beautiful,
something just to make us whole
but everybody, we all need
we need somebody
'cause nothing ever will come close,
and in the end what matters most is
love.
(say what you want, what you wanna do 'cause love is gonna come first
we want the truth, nothing but the truth so love is gonna come first
say what you want, what you wanna do 'cause love has gotta come first
we need the truth, nothing but the truth so love has gotta come first)

On this night I feel so all alone....

Prayers for the Dial family

2010-09-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

I woke up today to hear some tragic news. Someone I had little association with in college, but is a good friend to several of my really good friends lost her father yesterday in a kayaking/drowning accident. I read this article as the chorus to my song, "Enough" was being played over and over (it's being mixed right now) in the background. It took all the strength I had not to break down and weep in the living room of my engineer's house. My prayers and heart are with the Dial family, who I don't know very well, but whose pain I can't imagine. I'm dedicating the final mix of this song to you.

Catherine

Tug Of War

2010-09-15T18:56:00.001-07:00

If I only had one word to describe this song it would be "cute." If I had to describe the feeling you might get when listening to it, it would be "good." I hope you enjoy it, bells, hand claps, hums, tambourine and my quirky, cynical take on love.

Tug of War

by Catherine Papworth

You're like Advil for the soul,

numb my pain and make me whole,

oh my my,

then I find that you're to blame

for my sorrow and my pain

(doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo)

You're an atlas from above,

take me places with your love,

oh my my,

take me too far down the road,

you're the reason I must go

(doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo)

My heart can't take it anymore,

everywhere I turn you're right back at my door,

sometimes it feels like love's a tug of war

and you should know that I abhor you

but I adore you

mmm..

You're a heartache in disguise,

a little devil dressed in white

oh my my,

tell the angels up above,

I thank God for your love.

(doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo)

This song is being mixed RIGHT NOW!!! yay :)! My heart is happy...

love & :)

Catherine

A few thoughts...

2010-09-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

A) I'm in love with this window. I want to live in the building that it is in, despite the fact that it's in Provo. It's a historical building that used to be a mansion and is now split up into several apartments. It's a gem. We used one of the apartments for our shoot on the first day and then went exploring the second day. It was amazing...like 4 or 5 floors and lots of nooks and crannies...I'm pretty sure it's haunted but who cares. And look at that banister! Also why do I miss radiators? Weird. Okay...I'm in love with it. I'm pretty sure I would actually sit there and write all the time. Though it was a little precarious and high up.

2) I've mentioned before that this process of doing my EP has been really lonely. Unless you have been through something like this I'm not sure I can really describe it to you and have you understand. (I'm not throwing a pity party...AT ALL! just so that's clear.) But if I've ever said it before, there is no time I mean it more than right now. I feel like I've been on the struggle bus for the last few days....like I'm on my last few "emotional" reps (have I been spending too much time at the gym?) I'm not sure if it's the weight of my life backpack right now or the fact that it seems that the people closest to me that usually seem to be readily available are well...not readily available....it's just been a hard week. But, and though I hate to use this cliche, I have had a few moments (tender mercies, if you will) that have carried me through. Each Noteworthy mix that I get back from Bill speaks to my heart and reminds me that all of this work is going somewhere and it's going to be great! And then Jillene came over this morning and recorded the violin parts I arranged for "The Truth." Hearing it all come together for the first time, the fruition of thoughts and feelings and ideas I've had inside for so long was just unreal. Thank you Jillene and Rachel for making my dreams come true on this one!

I've been going on a run every night (probably way too late, don't hate me and tell me I'm endangering myself...it's keeping me sane!) to de-stress and listen to Sara Bareilles' new album, but last night I received the mix back for "Come, Come Ye Saints" and I played it at least 4 times at the beginning of my run. Noteworthy...you were like little angels showering me with peace through my ipod earbuds. I know I arranged this piece...but you make it what it is. I love you all and miss you. Thank you.

I hope I make it through the next week...specifically the next few days. I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! ---I am repeating this to myself...repeatedly...:)

And that goes for you....you can do it.

Thirdly) I think I need to find a less sweaty stress reliever....maybe I'll take up painting.

Last item) I think when this is all over I want to take a vacation to a remote spot like a cabin on a hill somewhere and just sit on the porch and watch the sunset and sip tea and listen to Billie Holiday. This is my wish. Who's with me?

Catherine

Enough

2010-09-08T00:51:00.000-07:00

Song #2 Revealed:

My EP will be mixed next week, it's about time I share another song that's going to be on it. This song is probably my most well known song despite being "newer" (I've been songwriting for about 10 years now so respectively newer.) I entered it in a contest a year ago on a whim with a rough recording I did at home and put it on my myspace page and now most of the response I get about my music has to do with this very song.

Most of my songs (definitely anything in the last year or two) have a personal story/meaning behind them besides the obvious universal meaning that the world can relate to--or at least I hope you can relate. I'm now going to share with you the story behind this song.

On December 19, 2008 my sister and her friend were driving to the post office to mail a package to my brother when they were broad-sided by a 16 year old in a large Chevy truck going 55 mph through a red light. I was at home a few miles away at the time. I was in the middle of editing Noteworthy's second album and during this time I always had my studio headphones on and was nowhere near my phone. This day I was having technical difficulties so I wasn't working and I happened to have my phone right next to me. I received a phone call from my sister's friend...all she said was, "we got in an accident. Kristin's not okay. We're at McKellips & Higley."

I got up from the couch, forced my mom off of the phone call she was on and prepared to run in my flip flops the 2.5 miles to McKellips and Higley...my car was in Utah...my dad had his car...my sister was driving my mom's car and I didn't have a key to my sister's car. As it happens, my mom had found a key to my sister's Jeep the day before so we rushed over there in literally 2 minutes which felt like eternity. When we got there they were still in the car. My sister was slumped over the steering wheel. I won't go into graphic details, but it wasn't something I really wanted to see. My sister's friend was conscious and covered in glass and debris and had little cuts all over her face. I stood out in the intersection, talked to her and tried to calm the both of us down. Sometime during that, Kristin woke up and was carried out of the car into the ambulance. She didn't know where she was, who my mom was, or what had happened. Her face was white, she was shaking and could barely open her eyes. We were lucky. I didn't know if she would be okay...in this moment she wasn't okay. I don't remember feeling my body or my mind or my heart or any sensation during this entire time except for peace...it was like I was floating on it. Everything was whirling around us--fire trucks, police cars, EMTs, firemen, witnesses, victims. My mom was frantic and my dad, who rushed over from work, was worried. I don't know why it was me, but I knew it would be okay and I also knew it was my job to help everyone else be okay.

My mom had a piano recital that she had planned months in advance happening at our house in literally an hour. Since we wouldn't be able to see Kristin at the hospital till all of her tests were done, my dad went there and waited while I went home and helped my mom put on her hour long recital. I could barely keep my hands steady as I tried to ice 100 sugar cookies that her students were now not going to get to decorate. I kept a calm demeanor as I let everyone in, since my mom was off printing recital programs that Kristin was on her way to copy after the post office.

After the recital we went to the hospital. She had bleeding in her left temporal lobe. She would need to stay in the ICU for a couple of days to make sure the bleeding stopped and the blood cleared and then at least another day out of the ICU to make sure she was stable. Once she was out of the ICU, I stayed with her overnight...sharing her bed...the nurse kept commenting on how cute we were...but I just couldn't imagine leaving. She had to be alone all night while in the ICU and it was the hardest part.

After a few weeks of rest and nursing her back to health...and a slightly depressing Christmas due to all of that....she went back to school with nothing to show but a fading scar on her lip. But the experience was burned in me like a branding iron.

I didn't write the song for a few weeks. One night I sat in our music room upstairs and played some chords on my mom's keyboard with some synth-y pad sound called "Quazar" or something. I had several things going through my mind...and a heavy weight on my heart. I had a friend who had made a huge mistake in his life that had jeopardized his standing with his family. I had a friend who was struggling with her identity, who needed to be honest with herself and with people around her. I had another friend whose father passed away unexpectedly right after the holiday. I had been carrying around with me the images from the accident. I thought about how I had come home after the hospital that first night and tried to pick up like normal. I went to do the dishes and saw my sister's plate from lunch. I knew that we had gotten in an argument over lunch--of course I don't remember what it was and how stupid--but as I cleaned that dish, I finally broke down. It made me think about those small moments that a person goes through after going through tragedy...not the funerals, the hospitals, the gravesites, the family get togethers, the big life celebrations all without that person...but the small moments in between...picking up their clean clothes out of the dryer from that morning...or receiving that last letter in the mail...canceling their magazine subscription...picking up their room... Okay, that may sound weird. But, it's the stuff you don't think about. It's for those small moments, when you have nothing left in you to muster to get you through, to move one more step, to fix it and reverse your mistakes, to always need to but never get to say you're sorry, when you don't know how you can ever forgive yourself or ever be whole....it's for those moments that I wrote this song.

About 6 months later, I played the song at an extended family talent show. My mom's cousin had passed away from cancer a few months before and the person MC-ing that night (his brother) had accidentally killed his 20-something year old daughter backing out of the driveway in his work truck sometime in the year before that. When I finished, he stopped me with tears in his eyes and just said, "thank you." I don't expect much when I write a song...only that it means something to me. But in this moment, I understood fully why I make music.

People have come out of the woodwork to tell me how much this song means to them. Like I said it's not what I asked for or expected. I'm grateful that life has given me challenges and I have found a way to process them that speaks to others. I don't take very much credit though...except for the courage to write it...but when songs like this come I usually feel like there is some greater purpose for it...one that I didn't create. I'm not trying to be profound...that's just how I feel. I can only hope that it does mean something to you and that there is some greater purpose in it. It's why I continue to do write, play & make music.

So now you know the story. My story. I usually don't share them...because, once they reach you, they become your story. And that's what matters.

Enough

by Catherine Papworth

dedicated to Kik

Is it enough?

Just to love,

and be loved by someone?

Is it enough?

To not give up,

if giving up is something

When what you give, is what you've got

but what you've got is nothing

more to give

Is it enough?

And in your life,

you need a break,

but what you want is broken

You carry on,

your mind's awake,

but now your body's frozen

Just showing up

could be that tough

Just being there with someone,

is it enough?

The light is dim and shadows show up on your face

Your hope is gone you're waiting for that saving grace

But all that I can give to you is just to say

When hope is gone,

you'll carry on till tomorrow

You need a friend,

you've reached the end,

but find your heart keeps going

You do your best, with all the rest

and though you can't tell now

it'll be enough

Is it enough,

to face the truth,

when tragedy has fallen?

and even worse,

the truth hurts,

those were your last words spoken

what would you say,

if everyday, you had the chance

but now you're not there to say it?

what would you say?

The years have gone and lines now show up on your face

Your hope is gone you're waiting for that saving grace

but all that I can give to you is just to say

When hope is gone,

you'll carry on till tomorrow

You need a friend,

you've reached the end,

but find your heart keeps going

You do your best, with all the rest

and though you can't tell now

it'll be enough

I licensed a version of the song to this commercial. I don't mind making money to do what I love...don't mind it at all.

THIS girl!!!!!!

2010-09-06T15:57:00.000-07:00

So unbeknownst to me, the gym was closed today...which means, I did a much shorter but more intense Jillian Michaels workout. Which means, I now have a few minutes to blog to you...bloggites. Which means, I'm now going to share with you an artist that is going to blow your mind. Ready? Set...

Her name is Jessie J...Jessica Cornish. She's from Essex. There are people who can sing...and there are people who can SANG! Some people sing from within, from their soul and it has little to do with lip buzzes and vocal exercises and passaggios and technique. I'm not knocking technique, I think it's vitally important. But, some people just sing without inhibition. I like to think that I try to sing with this same kind of inhibition and though I've surpassed my vocal limits over time as I've grown, I'm pretty sure this girl just doesn't have any. She could sing whatever the hellsnitch she wanted (yes I just made up that word) and it would sound amazing and it would blow your head off...that is what I think. Also, she is like 21 or 22 which makes me want to hate her even more. I heard about her about a year ago and yeah...she doesn't have an album out in the US so don't go crazy. She will though, I believe. I follow her on twitter and every once in a while hear little snippets that she is working on it so....without further ado...

This is the first thing I ever heard her sing....WHATTHEHECKWHEREDIDSHECOMEFROM?!

yes, that just came out of her...SITTING DOWN!!!! (she starts singing at 0:40)

This is the first song she ever wrote "Big White Room"....THE FIRST SONG SHE EVER WROTE! Yeah, I officially hate her. Listen to the run she does at 3:24 and 4:24-4:32 and the note she hits at 4:16...yeah that's an Ab...at a full belt. I've only known one other person who could belt that high with ease (Amy Whitcomb) and I've only ever heard her belt a G, though I'm sure she's fully capable of going higher.

This song is just...clever.

This song has a great message. I want it on my ipod so I can go running to it. This would make me happy. She spends the first 3 minutes talking about it though...so skip ahead if you just want to hear the song. (Song starts at 2:44)

Today my wish came true...

2010-09-04T12:30:00.001-07:00

I came downstairs this morning to a pantry stocked full of cereal (which means my dad went shopping because he always buys enough cereal to feed an Italian army---I don't know why they're Italian, that's just what came to my head first.) And what did I find on the top shelf??? CRUNCH BALLS (See Aug. 28th post.) All is good in the world...today.

Catherine

Self Reliance, Emerson

2010-09-02T00:13:00.000-07:00

"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts, they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. Great works of art hath no more affecting lesson for us than this."

in other words...

I wish I had written this song. Actually, I wish I had written her entire album. I love music for so many reasons...one being that it says what I'm feeling without me having to say. This song is a work of genius to me...Don't stifle your creativity/reject your thoughts...you could come up with something beautiful like this. Oh unrequited love...."does anybody know how to hold my heart?" just wondering....

Basket Case

by Sara Bareilles

Don't want to talk about it to you

I'm not an open book that you can rifle through

The cold hard truth that you see right to

I'm just a basket case without you

He's not a magic man or a perfect fit

But had a steady hand and I got used to it

And a glass caged heart and invited me in

And now I'm just a basket case without him

Begging for the truth

So I'm sayin it to you

I've been saving your place

What good does it do?

Now I'm just a basket case

Don't say much and it'll stay that way

You got a steel train touch

and I'm just a track you lay

So I'll stay right here

underneath you

I'm just a basket case

it's what we do

You're begging for the truth

So I'm sayin it to you

I've been saving your place

What good does it do?

Now I'm just a basket case

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams

Oh send your armies in, of robbers and thieves

to steal the state I'm in

I don't want it anymore

You're begging for the truth

So I'm sayin it to you

I've been saving your place

What good does it do?

Now I'm just a basket case

Epilogue to THAT post (August 26th)

2010-08-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

This post is for Kylee...who wants more from my heart. And since I've had more things come to my mind since that last huge post...here is the epilogue. or addendum. whichever you like.

side note: I'm currently listening to "Slow Dancing In A Burning Room" from Live in Los Angeles. He is intoxicating my mind.

Item #21: Singing and playing all night for & with some of your favorite friends is a great pastime. I enjoy it greatly...especially when there is so much love in the room. It feeds me and I gush it back out through song. If that isn't enough...having someone gently playing with your hair while gushing out a song is...beyond describable...euphoric...I don't know if using the word "gushing" is turning you off...but it's turning me on...I mean I think it fits.

Item #22: You should all wish you were a Gemini.

-I enjoy stargazing and talking and good company so...my friend Dale and I went up to Rock Canyon Park to talk/stargaze/make-out...sans the make-out part...he wishes! :) j/k Dale...I'm crazy. So anyway...he pulled out his stargazing app on his phone (Google Sky Map) and we studied the sky. We both finally figured out how to find the little dipper...or the big dipper...now I can't even remember. Dale..help me out. We started looking for astrological signs...most of them actually look like what they are...except for Dale's...sorry dude...All you Libras out there...yours is a hoax..j/k it's not...but it is the only sign that is an inanimate object... and it took us a minute to figure out how the constellation was supposed to be a scale. Anyway, then we found mine slightly below the horizon...I'm a Gemini which is the "twin"..and it was cute...it looks like two people holding hands.....so I guess my love is written in the stars.

Item #23: Speaking of love, I have a lot of love in my life right now....it's overwhelming...but in a good way...the best way. I just have so many friends near and far that I love and I have just felt this outpouring of love back recently. I tend to carry good close friends around with me for a long time..it's just part of who I am...but it's just been in abundance lately. Although I am still single and have a deep well inside of my heart to give to someone, I feel almost completely filled to the brim and warm all around because of the wonderful friends and family I have in my life. This is a great place to be. It's also just great to know that despite being single and alone, you can have a completely satisfactory life full of love if you want...as you wait in anticipation for someone to share the rest of your heart with. If you are lonely or sad or depressed and you want more love in your life...I suggest reading this book: "A Heart Like His" by Virginia H. Pearce. I read it over a year ago when I was striving for and wanting change in my life. I wanted to open my heart back up...I wanted to have that abundance that I feel now. It was part of my process. It could be part of yours, too. I think the most important thing is to give love openly. My dad has this thing that he calls the "emotional bank account." We were encouraged to make "deposits" into each other's emotional bank accounts and were reprimanded when we made "withdrawals." I don't think that when you deposit your love into someone else's emotional bank account that your account starts to run dry. In fact, I think it's more like a high yield investment....with at least double the return. At least this is what I have found in my life. Now don't you wish you were blue like me???! ;) (see item #6--Aug 26th post)

Item #24: My favorite quote of the week: "Hey skinny!!! Anorexia looks good on you!!!!" -Gina Peterson...not because I promote eating disorders in any way, but because Gina is hilarious and outrageous and gives me some needed therapy from time to time. Also she is the mother of one of my favorite people in the world, Stacia.

As of the last time I weighed myself--I don't weigh myself a lot because the number on the scale isn't really the point--I have lost about 25 pounds since I moved home last year...15 pounds since January...doing it the old fashioned way...eating what I want in a healthy and moderate way (read intuitive eating!!!! it changed my life & helped me mend my relationship with food), working out and letting go of emotional baggage...which is really the key. I read something several months ago that said "it doesn't matter what you do, it matters how you think. If you think of yourself as a fat person, you'll always be a fat person...whether you skip out on the ice cream or not. If you think of yourself as a skinny person, you won't get there in a day, but you'll put out that intention into the universe and it will inevitably answer you...you get what you focus on...whether it's being fat or being skinny. This also applies to anything you want. So...I'm becoming who I want to be. And I have about as much as I've lost left to go. But don't freak out...this isn't about looking hot (though that is a positive side effect) or fitting into some mold of what people think you should be...this is about keeping your body strong and healthy and living life to the fullest and being who you want to be and being fully comfortable in your own skin. I want to prevent diabetes and alzheimers and heart disease. I want to be active. I want to be strong for when I have children. I have about 10 pounds til I'm back to what I call my "equilibrium" weight...or my healthy average weight....but...I want more for myself. And like I said, not in a I'm going to be anorexic way. I will know when it's enough. I will feel my best.

Also...I'm wearing pants I bought a year ago right now and they're really falling off...I'm wondering if they're going past the "I'm going for the baggy look" to the "I look like a 12 year old boy cause I have no curves in these and my crotch is sagging way too low for my own good look"....I think if I wear a belt they could maybe just be baggy. But I don't know. This is not a bad problem to have, I realize. Except that I have no money to replace my clothes right now. So, everyone go buy my EP when it comes out so I can replenish my wardrobe (when the time comes) and not look like a 12 year old boy. Thanks.

Item #25: Hunter Brady is a hilarious person and a really good friend of mine. He has intermittently been my back-bone, at least musically for about a year. He wouldn't take credit if I told him that. He has thoroughly supported me and encouraged me to get my music career going and is a big reason why this EP is actually happening. He helped inspire a song (with a musical hook that he came up with) that helped me to start writing from a more genuine place. It was also my sister who I went to for advice who said, "you need to write from your experience...you need to write what you know...it has to mean something to you." My songwriting has changed for the better ever since that moment. I wrote a few genuine songs before that, including "Enough" and "The Truth"..partly because I was compelled to with those songs, but now the formula just makes more sense to me. I don't fill in lyrics with what I think they "should" say or just what rhymes...worst idea ever by the way...you can always tell when people do that. I don't struggle as much with what a song should be about..I just dig deep inside, or sometimes it's already out there ready for me to grab. Lyrics used to be a lot harder for me to find. Almost everything I write now really matters to me...and in turn it matters to you.

Anyway, back to Hunter. We were recording the electric for my song "A Boy and A Girl" tonight and I told him he needed to get into the groove and so we started recording again and I'm paying attention to the levels and the computer screen and feeling the song to make sure he was in the groove, which he definitely was, when all of a sudden I look over and see him dancing around what little space is left in my room next to guitars and amps and keyboards, with his eyes closed, and then he gets up and stands on my bed like Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch, except he wasn't jumping up and down, just getting down with his groove and then gets back down and puts one leg up on the amp and starts rocking out that way all the while playing a steady, error-less groove. I couldn't believe he didn't mess up and I had to control my laughter since we were micing the amp and not recording direct. I guess that's how he gets his groove on and I will say it definitely worked. I hope he doesn't mind me telling this story. It was great.

Also...try not to stand on your own headphone cord when you get up or when trying to walk somewhere with your headphones on....just....a piece of advice for you.

Item #26: I'd like to speak about another friend now. Her name is Kylee. Let me tell you a little about Kylee and my background. I was born and spent my childhood in San Diego...she served her mission in San Diego. I moved to Oregon at age 11 and lived there til college...she moved to Oregon (on the other side of Portland from me) at age 9 and lived there til her senior year of high school. We both went to BYU. Because she's musical and thus meets lots of musical people, we know a ridiculous amount of the same people from our time at BYU....people that we both spent an insane amount of time with so...it's just crazy that we never met in this time period. Then she moved to Boston. Okay, I never moved to Boston. I almost went to college in Boston, though...I was seriously seriously on my way there when I got my acceptance letter into the BYU school of music and just knew (yes, it was as easy as that, don't hate me) that I was supposed to go there (and was somehow okay with it all of a sudden when I had fought going to BYU and being like every other typical Mormon who goes to BYU and gets married and lives in Provo forever, my ENTIRE life..mostly my entire teenage life...So I mourned Boston and then moved to Provo with no regrets.) But, I did go to Boston after my freshman year in college. I walked onto Berklee's campus, pondered the merit-based scholarship I received to go there, looked into one classroom and saw the amazing facilities...every student had a MAC/Pro-Tools/keyboard workstation...and I went to the Starbucks across the the street, stared out the window at the campus and just about cried. I loved it there (in Boston), though I've only been that one time and really only spent one full day in the city. It was a really great day. That place reminds me of Portland, but on the east coast...and a little bigger. Back to Kylee.

So, if that weren't enough, she just happens to choose to go to grad school in Arizona and move into a neighborhood literally 0.5 miles from my house. Somehow she met and got to know my friend, the aforementioned Hunter Brady (I actually don't know how they met.) She was also in a ward with several people including one of my only friends when I first moved here, Camille. We didn't initially meet through Camille, but now we have lots of mutual friends...and I find this to be just great. Needless to say one random day in January Hunter said, you need to meet these girls at this house....I am taking you there, grab your guitar...you're going to play for them....they're going to love you. Uhhh....okay.... So I went...and we played for them. And then we talked and discovered that she knew me from Noteworthy and that we knew a lot of the same people (we might've gone over there two times, I can't remember.) I went to her music night the next month and then didn't see her for a while. Somehow, because I'm lucky and we both love music and because people are brought into your life when you need them (I think), she's become an integral part of my life over the last few months.

If God makes all of us with some sort of chemical compound, a formula of intelligence and heart and talent and gifts and spirit, then I believe that Kylee and I started with the same base. She is extremely intuitive (as am I), she has many gifts which I think are really beyond comprehension for some people...She has been through some difficult challenges in life that also contribute to her ability to have empathy for people, and to know how to help them, and help carry their heavy load. She draws people to her who have problems (as do I), because they see relief in her. I am not her and I don't know where she's coming from completely, but I do know somewhat. I'm really in tune with the energy that people carry around with them and I have the ability to know when something is wrong without that person really having to say anything. I can read what someone's problem is before they've told me. I tend to absorb some of the pain or anxiety that people have so they tend to be drawn to that. Some people are okay sucking the life out of you though....so I've had to learn. I've had to learn a lot about healthy boundaries and how to not let this ability shut me down physically and about how this gift isn't a curse. It's the reason I can write and you can understand. It's the reason I can love deeply. It's the reason I can make music that appeals universally. It's a big reason why I am who I am. But like with every gift, you have to learn how to use it and how to harness it for good. I admire Kylee because she has chosen to take these gifts that she has and better the world with them through helping people. She has chosen social work for her career and this I also admire. Though it is a likely career path based on my personality type, I don't know that I have the strength to enter this field. She is definitely stronger than me in many ways. She is a beacon of light to those around her. She will "make your dreams come true" if she can and she won't ask for anything in return. The thing is, we have gotten to know each other better in the last month and we have had many heart to hearts and long talks into the night, but we don't even know each other that well...like I didn't tell her my "life story" or a reader's digest version of it until last weekend...yet, I do know her. Sometimes you just meet people and it doesn't take any time, you just already are friends and you see that person for who they are. I think she is incredible and amazing and beautiful and talented and I admire the choices she has made in her life and the way she's dealt with difficulty and tragedy and loss and her drive to inspire and help people around her. So this post is for you, Kylee. You are amazing. In so many ways. I will return the favor and make your dreams come true in any way that I can. I already told you this, but I'm glad you are my friend and that after years of circling each other through life that God finally decided to put you on my path.

Item #28: This is to the attractive red-headed male BYU track team runner at the Cache-Teton Epic relay two weeks ago. I don't remember your name...but you volunteered at exchange 6 and stretched right in front of me and made sure I saw your infinity-pack abs...and you asked me for a smaller sized shirt even though the one I gave you was already pretty small...and when you asked if there were other sizes I assumed you wanted a bigger size...and then you caught my attention at Bergy's as we were on our way out and you asked me if a boy wanted me to watch "West Side Story" with him, would I? And I mocked the way you lifted your eyebrows suggestively with each syllable of your question as I said, "depends on how much I like the guy." And then the rest of your middle-aged probably already married team laughed and shouted "he wants to watch it with you!" as I walked out the door. I'm sorry...it really didn't occur to me that you would be remotely interested in me or my appearance after a really LONG day of volunteering and working out in the sun and wearing scruffy jeans and my race organizer shirt and my hair up in a messy bun with a head band on because I didn't get to shower that morning because my alarm went off late (see item #3.) And then I found out you actually did rent "West Side Story" at the store in Grace, ID because it was the only movie they had on the shelf and you actually did watch it. I'm not saying it would've ever worked between us...you being probably too into your rock hard abs and me too into my peanut M&Ms that assisted me in staying awake at exchange 30 the next morning...but...all I'm saying is... There's a place for us, Somewhere.

Item #29: My friend posted on facebook yesterday that she had an entire costco bag of powdered sugar break open and drench her while trying to move apartments. She wasn't happy about this, but I thought it was awesome. I mean, how often do you get to be drenched in powdered sugar? I mean...wouldn't that be a cool sensation? And it's not like that's something that's going to happen to you every day...or ever. So how lucky is she? It's like the lady on Patch Adams who wanted to swim in noodles. All I'm saying is, there's nothing you can do about it but enjoy it. Also I would like to swim in the chocolate river on Willy Wonka, but not be sucked into a tube. What are your weird food (or otherwise) fantasies????

Item #30: I hate to go out on an odd number. So...I will go out saying that if you have a twitter account, you should follow Ingrid Michaelson (and me!)...I don't care if you like her music or not. She is hilarious.

Recent tweets include: "Oh South Park, if I could spread you on a bagel and digest you and feed off of your glory, I would. I am tired."

And,

"The real housewives of NJ reunion show is on! So much tan skin! So much anger!"

I think that in some other life, Ingrid and Sara B and I were all best friends... If I am ever cool enough some day maybe if I hope and pray and wish maybe just maybe I will get to work with them and maybe sing with them and go on a Hotel Cafe tour or a sweet awesome female/singer-songwriter/pianists with sass tour...this my fantasy...and then we will become best friends and hang out all the time. The three of us. It's just my dream.

The end. Goodnight, or good day or good morning wherever you are.

Catherine

Random great news...

2010-08-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

I just finished editing "Stayin' Alive" for Noteworthy....it is hot. I'm glad to have this off my list.

Secondly, I just got this text from my brother. I have said this on more than one occasion, but my nephew is one of the coolest people I've ever met....he's 2. I want to be him. Not really, but he's a rockstar. He's a little adult in a 2 year old's body...The first time you meet him he will probably say, "What's up?!" to you or, "Cool shoes!"--especially if they're Nike's. I have also said on more than one occasion that I hope my kids are as cool and crazy as him and that I can possibly love them just as much....which I'm sure I will love them plenty & more. But...I just can't fathom it because my love is so great for little Will and Ella.

This was the text:

"Will turned 15 yesterday and decided to sleep in until 10 this morning and Kristi and I had to wake him up. Then he ate some captain crunch with crunch berries and decided to name them crunch balls. While eating he looked up at Kristi and said mommy you are sooo beautiful and Ella is sooo beautiful. Then he randomly said I love grandma sooo much. A little later I told him we were going to watch the BYU football game next Saturday and he said yep with Kristin and Catherine and grandma and grandpa. I told him probably just Kristin for this one. He's been really funny today."

I love my family. I wish I had some crunch balls.

This is that post.

2010-08-26T23:15:00.000-07:00

So... I have an insane amount of things on my list right now and in no way does blogging remotely make a priority, but here's the thing...I've had this post floating around my head for the past two weeks and I have this idea that if I write--because blogging has somehow become my new journaling, from which you all benefit from (not really), in a very public setting--that...somehow this will reduce my anxiety and the amount of things floating around in my head. (holyrunonsentence) But, that of course is my irrational rationalization. So I'm sitting here in procrastination station, at 11 PM eating a veggie burger because I haven't had an appetite for about a week and I only ate a bowl of kashi and a string cheese (oh and some really yummy ice cream), which is obviously as balanced a diet as you can get....I thought I might benefit from some mild nutrition...ketchup included in that.

I just got back from a good friend of mine's house-->I know that's not grammatically correct, but what are ya gonna do. I just got back from her house...where the conversation was great, as always...and now I'm thinking...so here are my thoughts. Unadulterated and unconfined.

Thoughts, Observations and Musings On The Last 15 days, 12 hours, and 8 minutes.

*now playing: In Your Atmosphere (Live), John Mayer // "I'm gonna steer clear, burn up in your atmosphere, cause I'd die if I saw you, I'd die if I didn't see you there.... Wherever I go, whatever I do, I wonder where I am in my relationship to you. Wherever you go, wherever you are, I watch your life play out in pictures from afar."

Item #1: This may be the most important lesson you learn from this entire post. (As if I am a well of knowledge..) NEVER LOSE YOUR CAR KEYS IN JACKSON HOLE, WY. In fact, don't lose anything in Jackson Hole, WY that can't be replaced at Albertsons or Maverick or a ritsy, over-priced souvenir/tourist shop. If you lose your cowboy hat or boots, you're golden. They have those there...plenty of them. Just don't lose your car keys.

Item #2: Alarm clocks are sometimes possessed by the devil. Sometimes they go off on the morning you're supposed to be somewhere at 7am at 6:36am and they will say that it's 5:00AM--the time that you set for them to go off---but they're lying...piece of crap. You'll then have your friend set her alarm the next day so you have a fail-safe... and the devil will take over her alarm and it won't go off at 5:30AM like it's supposed to. Why in the world are we getting up so early? Damnation...this must be the devil's wake up time.

*nowplaying Mmm, Laura Izibor // "You're my light in the dark, guiding me home. Your faith in me is all I need. Baby, your love it sets me free."

Item #3: If you go to an antique store and you have an affinity for all things old, vintage, recycled, timeless, one of a kind, etc etc you will probably spend way too much money. You might find some awesome vintage bells--like this--and be compelled to purchase them and then record them and put them on your new record and then listen to your new record over and over cause it's just so dang cute. Also, these are much harder to play than you would think. But, I'm a perfectionist.

Item #4: Mouth Off Show is just great for road trips...like really great--->www.mouthoffshow.com---ever since the August 8th episode I find every opportunity I can to use the word "amaze-balls". Yes, Christopher. Yes.

Item #5: Southern/Eastern Idaho is kind of ugly...everything seems to be a "light tan" color. "My favorite color is light tan"...anyway... But, the Tetons are beautiful. I don't really ski, but I would definitely stay in a secluded lodge at the foot of those mountains with an attractive male that was hopefully related to me by...marriage and have..fun.

*nowplaying White Daisy Passing, Rocky Votolato // "I'm going down to sleep on the bottom of the ocean. Cause I couldn't let go, and the water hit the setting sun."

Item #6: If you lose your car keys, don't drive back to Salt Lake with the rest of your party and leave your car in Jackson Hole, WY. Don't assume the dealership will be able to make you new keys without your car at the dealership. Don't assume that AAA will tow your car when you're not at your car. Don't assume they won't either, because after 5 hours of driving to my car, I passed the tow truck on the road 2 miles from my destination. Don't assume that AAA will get your car to the dealership 70 miles away before the key people leave. Do assume that you may need to find some distant relative in the area to stay with for the night. Cozy in, enjoy the ride.

Needless to say, this was a fiasco. First surprise, anxiousness, frustration, a doubting hope and helplessness set in. Then, disappointment, more frustration, more helplessness, loss, shame and anxiety joined the party. Like a recipe for heartbreak, a pinch of this, a tsp of that, they welled up into a tight ball in my chest. On the drive back to Salt Lake--the first time--in someone else's car, in the dark, I put my ipod earbuds in and looked up at the bright half-moon above the tree-studded mountainside and as the opening strings to Matt Morris's "Bloodline" played that ball worked its way up and melted into warm tears on my face. I can't explain everything, like why this felt like heartbreak. But, things happen and sometimes you have feelings about it (and when you're blue like me, you feel everything.) I believe in a good cry every now and then. I believe in processing your feelings instead of letting that ball turn to stone and crush your insides. That sounds painful.

For some reason, as odd as it sounds, looking up at that moon, that bright light on an otherwise dark night (figuratively and literally) I pondered how God is sometimes compared to the light of the sun. I remembered that He is up there watching down on me. That little light, a reflection of the sun on the other side of the earth, was a gentle, "hello, I am here. and I know where you are right now." More tears ensued.

*nowplaying Let It Be Me, Ray LaMontagne // "there may come a time you just can't seem to find your place. for every door you open, seems like you get two slammed in your face. that's when you need someone, someone that you can call. when all your faith is gone, it feels like you can't go on. Let it be me. If it's a friend you need, let it be me."

Item #7: If you let yourself get too tired, you can pretty much kick Rational to the curb and invite Emotional right in. This also contributed to Item #6.

Item #8: If you think you're gonna die because you're falling asleep at the wheel because you're in the middle of nowhere in Idaho and you've been up for 18 hours and you got 2 hours of sleep the night before and there is nothing visually stimulating where you are because there is NOTHING where you are (except for cows) and you're the only one who knows how to drive a stick shift in this scenario, ask the person in the car with you what their wildest dreams are. You will probably be completely surprised at the response, have an engaging conversation and learn all about acrobatic pilot licenses.

*nowplaying I Could Hold You In My Arms // Ray LaMontagne "I could hold you in my arms. I could hold on forever. "

Item #9: September is going to be a great month. I'm finishing up two albums sandwiched by two concerts that I'm stoked about. And lest we forget my favorite non-holiday, the day referred to in one of my favorite songs of all time--Earth, Wind & Fire "September"--do you remember the 21st night of September? Yeah...it's a special day for me. But, since we've just been listening to Ray LaMontagne I will just mention that I am going to see him one week from today! I was about to buy a ticket and just go by myself, but then I found a friend here who likes his music, too! How fortunate. It's gonna be amazing. I will say it helps that I will be in good company. I believe good company improves an already good situation by at least 86.4%. That's a mathematical certainty.... I'm also going to see Sara Bareilles on the 30th with more great friends. So...I'mnotmadaboutthatatall.

Item #10: If you start to get sick--the kind of sick where you feel it start to work its way into your sinuses and chest and throat, the kind of sick that has to run its course for at least a week or two--take two doses of Nyquil back to back and sleep as much as you can. Follow this up with large amounts of orange juice and vitamin C. You may lose a day, but better than two weeks. I was shocked to find that I was almost completely better the next day. But, then my sickness was probably brought on by exhaustion instead of infection. I think Epic Relays is trying to kill me. But I love them...them being my brother and Rob and Nick and the Epic Relays team. So...I can't hate.

*nowplaying: Brooklyn Blurs, The Paper Raincoat "I am the breeze in this still August air, I can't believe that I'm still standing here. I am a ghost to everyone I know. The stars stand still above, while Brooklyn blurs below."

Item #11: If you sit in hay, you will get stickers in your butt. If you're lucky, you'll be with a friend who is more than willing to drop their pants right there to get them off. You may get some hay leftover in your under-garments--i.e. your bra. And it may bother you. And you may try to remedy this irritation. And someone may notice and ask you about it and you may tell them you were rolling in hay. And then it might get awkward.

Item #12: People in Chubbock, Idaho are really nice...like really nice. Tracey at the Honda dealership in Idaho Falls was extremely helpful also. I appreciate congeniality.

Item #13: If you're trying to do a photo shoot in a remote location in the foothills of Provo and there is absolutely no parking for miles because the Provo parking police are the new Third Reich, just send your pregnant photographer friend up the long driveway to the house waiving the American flag (important detail, don't forget) and have her ask them if you can occupy a corner of their driveway for about an hour. They will probably be really nice and completely fine with this. It pays to hire a pregnant woman. I don't even know what that means.

*nowplaying: Motion Sickness, The Paper Raincoat "It just takes some getting used to, is all."

Item #14: Phone calls from your dad when you're once again in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming/Idaho can be quite insightful...dads have the best advice in the middle of an unfortunate mess: "Well, enjoy the journey." Thanks Dad...I'll remember that. The things is....that's all you can do....enjoy it or not. I'd rather the first.

Item #15: If you are an extremely lucky person you will have a friend named Dale Baker who will drive 13.5 hours in a pointless circle just to make sure you get home. Thank you, Dale. You know it's nothing new, bad news never had good timing. Then, the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining. Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good.

Item #16: John Mayer also makes an excellent road companion. "Edge of Desire"---that bridge/instrumental break/build-up is just...sexy.

Item #17: Going on a run under an orange/pink sky at the end of a really long day of driving in 70 degree weather will solve 98% of your problems for the moment. Following this up with a bubble bath really doesn't hurt. I believe in a healthy dose of sensuality every once in a while (sensuality is not a dirty word...or it doesn't need to be) I also believe in soft skin.

-I had a slight revelation on this run. Sometimes, usually, if I really feel like kicking my butt, I will hear Jillian Michaels in my head toward the end of my run. My subconscious conjures her up and she yells at me...this is extremely motivating. She usually says, "Is that all you got?!?!" and I speak back to her in my mind...yes...I talk to myself and I say, "NO!!!" and I run harder.

This time was different. I had a thought come to my head, much like lyrics come when they come in full sentences or like a quote that is suddenly recalled to your memory. The thought was, "Run like life is propelling you forward (or like you are propelling it forward), not like it is weighing you down." I suddenly felt lighter and pushed harder than I thought I could. It became much easier to run in fact. I try to run with this mentality now. I think it's a good life principle though. Whether running, or just living. Propel forward, push forward, don't just hang in there and let your emotional backpack weigh you down. You can do it.

*nowplaying A Little Opera Goes A Long Way, Sky Sailing // "Pretend you're not alone, like you are center stage on Broadway. Cause when you're on your own, a little opera goes a long way."

Item #18: I had nothing to do all alone in Pocatello, ID the night before I finally got my car back. So I watched a DVD on Thomas S. Monson. I want to be more like him.

Item #19: I'm not complaining. Just putting that out there first. Boys have talent crushes on me. It happens. I'm just saying that I understand this lyric all too well: it's clear this conversation ain't doing a thing, cause these boys only listen to me when I sing--Sara Bareilles Putting yourself out there is hard. The pay off can mean the best thing that ever happened to you OR on the other end it can mean feeling vulnerable, disappointed and slightly broken--that is if you're blue like me. I wish the yellow in me applied to getting over someone. Why is it that sometimes (most of the time) people aren't on the same page? Once again, I'm not complaining. Maybe just musing on the reason for things. I'm sure there is a purpose in everything. I'm sure some of us are guarded for a time if it means becoming the person you need to be...if it means preparing to meet someone extremely important in your life... I don't know how to analyze my life up until now and the reasons for everything...cause I'm still in the process. But, I do know that I lost myself for a while. For various reasons. It was the boy that shattered my heart. It was the disconnect I then experienced with my heart and my body and my soul. It was the false beliefs from childhood that I never questioned that I needed to let go of. It was the lack of direction in my career. It was my lack of faith. It was the friend that chose to deceive. It was the illness that almost overtook my mom. It was the accident that almost took my sister. It was the barrier that I put up to keep that boy away and others who might also try to destroy my heart. But I chose to learn...if I can say anything for myself. I don't believe in wasted time... I believe in becoming better than you were. I believe in making the most out of every situation. I don't settle for mediocrity especially when it comes to my happiness and the goals I want to reach in life. It saddens me to see people who do. At the very least if you are struggling, or when I am struggling, I hold on to the fact that I will not allow myself to stay stagnant. Sometimes it feels that way for a while, but eventually you break through and you find yourself again. But...when it comes down to it, at the end of the day..it's a choice. This book was insightful for me during this process: Finding Peace, Joy and Happiness by Richard G. Scott. "The challenges we face, the growth experiences we encounter, should be like temporary scenes played out on the stage of continuing peace and happiness." "Your perspective is vital to your happiness. Some, blind to the bountiful opportunities around them, live lives of sadness and despair with brief moments of joy. Be alive to the abundant potential that surrounds you so that you live a life of peace and happiness with periods of challenging growth. Learn from inspiring individuals who have come to peace with their challenges and therefore live to find joy amid adversity."

I can't say if this is the reason that boys only listen to me when I sing...that I lost myself...so how would anyone else be able to find me, the real me. I don't recognize that person tagged in facebook photos over the past few years. I know it's me...but it wasn't me. I found myself again... The better me. And I have so much more to give now than I ever did. It's just the truth. That's all.

*nowplaying: we have now listened to 6 songs while I was typing that...For the Widows in Paradise, Sufjan Stevens; Dig With Me, Allie Moss; Corner, Allie Moss; Keep Breathing, Ingrid Michaelson; Someone For Everyone, Nikka Costa; Addiction Song, Jarrett Burns

now we're listening to The Hardest Part/Postcards from Far Away, Coldplay // "the hardest part was letting go, not taking part. you really broke my heart. and I tried to sing but I couldn't think of anything. that was the strangest start. I can feel it go down. You left the sweetest taste in my mouth. No silver lining in the cloud. Oh but I, oh yes I wonder what it's all about."

Item #20: I love new friends. I love new friends that feel like old friends. I'm excited about the future. I have a lot to focus on in the new couple of weeks. I'm wondering why I have a knot in my left shoulder and my muscles won't relax so I can sleep and food doesn't sound good and all I really want in my life right now is for my dream to come true and for John Mayer to really hold me all night and sing me to sleep. Come on John, I know you're on tour but...it's just one night. And then I realized that though I've been through the Noteworthy album production thing before--twice--this is a little more monumental...people have actually heard of us now. Some of these songs were sung on national TV. The exposure is awesome and it's really cool that ideas that came from my own head can be heard all over the country. But, it puts a little more pressure to be even more amazing. And then there was that one time I decided to actually put out, in a professional setting, my own songs that I wrote, that I arranged that I produced, that I played, that I sang...with my name on it...for anyone to have and judge and hopefully love but maybe hate. And it's my first real endeavor at this. And it's been a long, sometimes drudgerous (is that a word?) experience. And for the most part I would say it's been a lonely experience. And maybe that's for the best. Maybe that's what it should be. It's just really challenging playing the role of artist and producer and engineer and business manager and doing it all really for the first time on my own. And I think I'm just putting pressure on myself to be extraordinary right now. It's funny how you worry about something that inside you know you can do. So...body...if we could repair this sitch and you could just trust me...that would be great. I would like to sleep. And eat. But if not, at least the pay off will be that in two weeks I will go to San Jose and in three weeks I will walk away with the masters to two albums. And I will probably cry with joy. That will be a good feeling. I am looking forward to it.

So...that was a really long post. I will be amazed if anyone read it. If you did...drop me a line...I will make you cookies or give you several open-mouth kisses...j/k, but wouldn't that be "amaze-balls"??....Christopher (Mouth Off Show) understands me...okay it's just getting late now.

Until my next travels. Let's hope they're really mundane and meaningless.

Catherine

*nowplaying Here Comes the Flood, Peter Gabriel // "lord here comes the flood, we'll say goodbye to flesh and blood. If again the seas are silent and any still alive. It'll be those who gave their island to survive. Drink up dreamers, you're running dry."

I had a dream....

2010-08-23T14:08:00.001-07:00

That I was sick (which is a true statement...I felt like crap last night) and John Mayer held me all night and sang to me my favorite songs (of his.) It was a cruel reality to wake up to the alternative, however, I am not complaining. Though not real, it was amazing.

On a side note, Deanna just told me on skype that I type like a "demon" and it sounds like the aliens on Signs cause she can't see me. She is amazing.

Also I've only had two doses of Nyquil and two huge glasses of orange juice in the last 18 hours. My stomach hates me.

The end. I would like to go snooze about John Mayer again. Hasta.

Catherine

late night nostalgia

2010-08-21T02:03:00.000-07:00

I promised a post about my recent trip but this is not that post.

A few weeks ago I decided to experiment with facebook to see how far back my life is archived on there. I got tired of hitting "Older posts" or whatever after around 2006. So many good memories, quotes, friends, places and old adventures were recalled to my memory. I found this post by a one Buck Mangum. It made my day...for the second time. It's nice to know when someone really sees you & who you are.

Catherine,  

You know when you meet someone, but unbeknownst to you there's this whole OTHER - DEEPER someone inside full of mystery and intrigue - well, basically full of a life full of experience and heartache and joy. You are that person.   That's why you're such an amazing person / songwriter / musician / leader / example for so many.

Thanks Buck...it takes one to know one, kid.

I'm getting married....

2010-08-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

Many of you will be shocked and excited to know that....finally....after all these years....I've fallen in love.

And after a relatively short courtship, I'm getting married. To this song. We've fallen in love and we're going to move into a little cabin in some backwoods/coastal town in northern california and make beautiful...music. and we're really happy and we hope we win a lot of money, but we won't use it to buy new things, only old things that are moderately expensive now and then we'll donate the rest to the local YMCA and children's hospital and we'll pass the time drinking tea and knitting quilts for children in Africa and eating at the local diner and taking long walks on the beach and chopping wood to put in our little fireplace and sitting on the rug staring into each other's....eyes...cause there's nothing that could possibly make us happier so there's nothing else to do now but make it official before the state court. I'm just waiting for California to recognize our love as equal and protected under the same laws as other married......people. I mean, if it's love why can't it be marriage?

okay, this post wasn't meant to be political. But really I am obsessed with this song. I may have put it on my favorite playlist and I may get up from what I'm doing to go start it over when it's done, and I may put it on "repeat one" on itunes and listen to it over and over and then put it in my car stereo and do the same thing. No bigs.

The official video is a little gloomy. So if/when you listen to this...close your eyes and picture me discovering it for the first time (courtesy of Ms.--extraordinarily awesome friend of America--Kim Henne) on the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway), coming through the tail end of the little coastal town of Encinitas, complete with palm trees above, farmers markets, vintage clothing stores, people riding beach cruisers and surfers walking with their boards after catching the morning waves....then coming over the hill into Carlsbad where I was enveloped in salty, cool air as the ocean finally revealed itself in its quiet glory....fuzzy blue clouds above, golden lining on the horizon, frothy waves hitting the shore and that feeling like everything in this moment is perfect and everything is going to be just fine.

Of course I quickly texted Kim asking, where did you get this song? She said it was on a "new hippie" playlist...to which I responded: Perfect.

We're in love....until I fall in love again. with a new song. but don't worry fleet floxes...i love you for the memories, so I'll come back again :).

Here's a cute little cover. I don't own any of this girl's music, but she has an album out and if you like Colbie Caillat, you may like her music, too. Mostly I'm impressed with their ingenious use of the steamer as a tambourine. I might steal that idea.

I feel like I've been away for so long. There is a blog post whirling in my head about my travels, mishaps, blunders and eventual redemption. Coming soon.

Sometimes....

2010-08-10T14:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes friends subtly depart from your life and you don't hear from them for 2 years and you wonder on occasion what happened. You think about them often, nostalgia sets in and there's a slight ache in your heart where their friendship once took place. You try to reach them but they are morally opposed to social networking sites and you're not sure they have the same phone number. Then you buy an album and reminisce a period in your life when they played a pivotal part. And then in the middle of you pondering their departure, they appear, and your heart swells with inconceivable joy..... I know you hate mushy....but I've missed you Ashkan Memarian. I appreciate your friendship and thank goodness for 202 or else "we wouldn't be friends." So many good memories. I love you...let's be friends...again.

Catherine

Cry Baby Cry

2010-08-09T00:51:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have heard, I'm making an EP. Some of you may not believe me, because it's taking so dang long. But it's going to happen...it's happening. Really. I thought I might reveal some of the songs that I'm putting on it as it gets closer to release. As of right now the plan is 7 songs. That is more than a typical EP...so...that's why it's not definite. But, I have so many songs and I'm writing more as we speak that I just want to get them out there. So you can hold them and cradle them and love them and snuggle them like all good music babies should be loved. ha. Anyway... There are 6 original songs and one cover. If you know me at all you probably already know what that cover is. I've been singing it for almost 10 years now....wow...really? Almost....okay actually only 7? 8? But that's closer to 10 than to...1...okay I'm rambling.

Here is the first song...not the first track, but the first one I am sharing to you now. It's called "Cry Baby Cry", not to be confused with "Cry Baby" that awesomely awful Johnny Depp movie/musical from 1990. Don't hate..I love Johnny Depp with a fiery passion. But it's even weird for Johnny...he's hot. Okay back to the song. Geez...I'm having ADD.

(http://paintinginwatercolor.blogspot.com/)

Cry Baby Cry

cry baby cry
you're walking on your own
live, love or die
trying to find a home
running away
why don't you stay
here where it's safe
inside

cry baby bird
afraid to leave the nest
haven't you heard
it's better to face the mess
here comes the cold
will creep in your bones
then you will know
which is worse

oh we gotta learn
the cold still burns
so keep me burning
in loveless yearning
ah ah ah ah
ah ah ah ah

fly baby fly
nothing can hurt you now
why don't you try
something will come around
love comes and goes
and heaven knows
it's worth your while
just give it time
and you will find
you'll find your way
if not right now
you'll learn someday
that what you do
comes back to you
and then you'll see
what you can be
you can fly

lyrics by Catherine Papworth
music by Catherine Papworth & Hunter Brady

All alone on a Friday night...

2010-08-07T01:57:00.000-07:00

All alone, Friday night, Red Box, Remember Me. Beautifully rich story. I'm not sure how I feel about it, except for heartbroken. It did inspire me to re-purchase a favorite album that I lost to my old dead computer--Sigur Ros "Takk". taking me back in time, junior year in college. I was heartbroken then, too. But for different reasons. This whole album is just heartbreakingly beautiful. I don't really know where that phrase comes from, but it's the perfect descriptor.

This song was always my favorite. And it's the one they used in the movie. The strings at the end...I don't have words. And apparently you can download it for free. What are you waiting for?

Wait a sec...for some reason that version is higher than the original. This one's not free, but in the correct key.

Sara B...Oh my.

2010-08-06T17:09:00.001-07:00

I am so incredibly excited for this album to come out, I could pee my pants...I did pee my pants...No, just a little...Okay not at all...but I'm peeing my pants in my mind...doyouknowudimsayin? Okay anyway...you get that I'm excited and there's pee involved in some way. Exciterrhea.....as my brother would say. Whoa..this post went downhill fast.

Let me make up for it with this...

Sara has been posting webisodes of the making of her album. This is like me...working on my EP. This is what I do...except for not in a really fancy nice recording studio with an engineer and producer and it's just me in my bedroom on my Macbook and I'm the engineer and the producer and the artist, so it's kinda like me, but not really, but sort of, but definitely cooler, but kind of like me, it's about the same actually, but different, but same.

Watch this video and see if you pee, too. Hopefully not. But hopefully.

Album is due out September 7th!!!

Fabulous

2010-07-27T00:54:00.000-07:00

I'm learning to be grateful for EVERY experience. When my summer started I had a big list of plans. I was going to make life HAPPEN. Somehow, by no fault of my own, my plans started slipping through my fingers. I started to allow myself to believe that negative voice in my head that says, "You'll never be able to do things how you want. Good things don't come to you." Whenever I'd pick up and try to start again it'd say, "Well, go ahead and try...but you won't succeed. You'll just have to do it again. You'll just have to start over. You'll never get it right."

*SQUASHasd;lkfjsa;lkjd!!!!!!!!!* <---That is me squashing that little voice.

I believe there's a reason things work out the way they do. I believe that in any situation there is always something to learn. Sometimes our walls are torn down because God has some remodeling to do. In time we will be stronger and better than ever. It takes a lot of work to turn a shack into a beautiful mansion...right?

Despite some initial discouragement, I'm deciding to focus on the good and be grateful for the twists and turns along the way. I'll get to where I'm going. Maybe not in the way I thought I would...but I'll get there, and I'll understand this road and God's road map someday when I look back from my destination point. For now I am choosing to enjoy the scenic byways, rugged terrain, detours & uphill climbs.

In other, somewhat related, news:
--One of my favorite artists, Matt Morris, is now following me on twitter. nbd. but...bfd. (Erin, you can translate for everyone.)
--I've lost 5 more pounds! (that's 20lbs peeps....20 more to go!)
--That last 5 pounds was a mental barrier....so I'm pretty sure the rest will be easy....feeling more like myself every day.
--I'm running an EASY 6.0 pace on the treadmill....ending my runs at a 7.5-8.0 (I always enjoy a nice sprint at the end.) I just love running. And I love when my body loves it too.
--Apparently my personality type makes up 1% of the population...apparently I am a swan among ugly ducks...apparently I share this attribute with Shakespeare, Julia Roberts, Beethoven, and Oprah. What makes you special?
--The EP has been really slow moving and at times, discouraging. I'm trying really hard to work on it, but I've hit a lot of road blocks. I am certain this is one of God's detours. I feel like I'm slowly coming around the bend, though. I can't wait for things to start rolling. Recorded "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" tonight on my Fazioli with my mics and a TLM 103 on vox through a Digi 002 that my good friend Jason Barney lent to me. So lucky to have good friends.
--Wrote a new song for the EP, entitled "Tug of War"....it's cute...I like it.
--I watched masterpiece theatre's Jane Eyre last night...and it was amazing. I love that my friends and I watch old movies ALL the time and we don't care that we probably only share this fetish with 75 year old women.
--I get to spend the rest of the week at the beach. I'm going to enjoy every minute of that fresh sea air. I'm heading exactly to the place I was imagining when I wrote the lyrics to this song:

I wanna be heading for the sea
I wanna stand with my love in my hand
and my feet planted in the sand
Feel my fingers in the air
Love my life and lose all care
On a mission to repair, to find a space in my own sphere

So that is where I will be...Hope you are well wherever you....be....

What is fabulous in your life????

Doors

2010-07-22T12:16:00.001-07:00

Ingrid Michaelson has a song called "The Chain" and the quintessential line from it is "If you come around again, then I will take the chain from off the door".

I'd like to discuss this idea of doors. I have a door. I probably have several doors, for the several layers that I am---the door to me as a person, the door to my mind, the door to my heart, etc etc. But let's just focus on the bigger picture here, there is one door and it separates you and me.

I have a separate side door for close friends. Once I've let them through the front door, they can use this side door to come and go when they please. Sometimes the friendship door is guarded by a trustworthy concierge. Unfortunately this is because some people try to sneak in the friendship door when their motives are untrue. Sometimes a dear friend decides that their interest is much greater than yours. They come in wanting something from you, sometimes borrowing, sometimes outright stealing. They walk away when they please and never assume that you might want that part of you back. They assume that you'll always love them and that you will enable them in their bad behavior...behind closed doors and not. The truth is you will always love them...but after a few of these bad, cowardly, selfish ones, you've had to shut the door to them. They'll never learn if you continue to let them in. They'll never understand the gravity of their behavior and deal with their own consequences. So I hired a concierge who knows who I will not let in. He can call for back-up if needed, but usually he keeps the door safe from unwanted visitors. For those who have violated this door, there is a re-application process. But, it requires honesty & sincerity and a little mercy on my part...and it could take some time.

One time I had someone sneak through the back door. This door was apparently not locked or guarded in any way. I thought he was at the front door, but suddenly he was inside. He worked his way through all of my barriers without me knowing and for a while, that was okay. It felt good to let someone in, let someone share such a big part of me. It was uncharted territory, but I trusted him. After all, he had gotten through my door and that takes a lot of work. By the time I realized he had snuck through the back door, not through the appropriate channels, and that he had seen no problem in doing so because of his own benefit from occupying this space, it was too late. He was there and I wanted him there. He gave me a false sense of security, all the while breaking and entering time after time. After some initial violation, I tried to lock the door, I tried to bar the windows, but he eventually found a crevice, a weak crack in the wall. Sometimes it took heavy prying, but he was determined, which I falsely took as 'he cared'. He came when he wanted, ate the food, snuggled up in a blanket on the couch, invited over his friends and then let me clean up the party. We're talking almost years of damage control. After doing some major interior damage however, he broke a window and snuck out much like the way he came. I have since changed the locks and plastered a wall up where this back door used to be. I feel like it took a long time to re-build/repair after this one, but I have to say I am much more fortified than I ever was. Apparently there was some silver lining on this thunder cloud.

But let's talk about the main door, the ME door. And after all, we are talking about love here right? I go through life most of the time with this door locked...usually just one lock. Other times I bolt it shut, set an alarm, create an indecipherable code on a keypad, and seal it off with a large ring chain, requiring several artificial manipulations to unlock it, but few ever succeed if they even have the audacity to try. If you have tried, you met me at a bad time. I had something dear to protect. Don't take it personally. Sometimes locking up works to my advantage, but never without a cost.

I rarely go outside of my door to knock on someone else's door. I did this once in high school, with--for the sake of protecting names here--Daniel. Daniel and I were good friends...he had permission to my side door. However, he rarely took advantage of it. We were constantly walking past each other's doors in some kind of respective hallway. At some point I think he knocked on my door, but I was too busy and didn't want to be bothered by solicitors. But then I looked through the peep hole and saw him walking away...that's when my view changed. I opened the door and walked right over to his. I knocked, and...he answered. You can only imagine my elation when my ballsy maneuver paid off. But before I realized it, I was alone in what was only a shade of his room, with tattered posters on the wall. Apparently he lives next door to this faux-room, but there is a warning sign on the door now that reads, "Men Only." You can laugh, it's okay.

I have decided at various times in my life, including the present to just experiment with leaving the door unlocked. Take off the lock and the rough iron layer, the steel chain and the sign that says "No Trespassing." And even remove the single door lock and the sign that says, "I'm probably not interested." Trim the grass, paint the door a lovely shade of red, put up some flowers, maybe even a "Welcome" sign. I realize the drawback of my air-tight, destruction-proof door and the error of my ways. You keep the bad ones out certainly, but you keep the good ones out, too. You keep life out. Everything that seems so dear to you to protect suddenly doesn't seem worth the experiences that will ultimately bring you unending joy. So, I've put my welcome sign out. What inevitably happens now? Some people come by, admiring my garden and my brightly painted door. They stop by for a chat through the screen, or maybe even on the front step with the door open! I'm not fully willing to swing it wide, but I'm open to the idea. Things are changing. I start to notice the people walking by. I start to notice my cute neighbor down the street. He's stopped by and dropped off the mail that was incorrectly delivered to his house, chatted, paid me a compliment and then left. I want to go over to his house, but I don't know how. But finally for the first time in a long time, I'm ready to hand over the "in case of emergency" key. I'm hoping this will illicit an invitation to a 'let's do dinner' which will quickly turn into 'where have you been all my life?'. But maybe that's wishful thinking. Then suddenly a lowly wanderer, or a straggler who's been lurking in the bushes for some time, waiting for me to unlock that chain for somebody else comes bounding to the front door. Not only does he not understand normal social conduct--i.e. he doesn't stop by for a chat first or bring me the newspaper as a friendly gesture--he doesn't even knock. He just pushes open my unguarded, unlocked door and hopes that I will be there with open arms waiting for his arrival. While I hoped it was the cute neighbor down the street, now I'm even more perplexed and frustrated because this requires that I do one of two things: a) escort him right back out, pushing him through the door as gently but as assertively as possible or b) offer him some water or lemonade, have an awkward conversation or two and then forcefully push him out. I hate having to do this. No one likes to be rejected. I resent being emotionally inconvenienced and having to hurt someone else's pride. It's not personal, you're just not the cute neighbor down the street nor did you knock politely and test the water. The girl you want is not me and I know this for a fact. You just accidentally picked up my 'dinner party' invitation that I was trying to get the nerve to bring to the other guy and thought it was for you. And I hate that I might make you feel bad or put up your own lock. But, I'm sorry, you can't come in now and you can't stay here.

Someday I will meet someone, wherever you are, and I will know it's you. It may not be the cute neighbor down the street, though I may hope and wish. But you will come around and I will hand you the master key. It will be yours and it will let you in anytime you want. This room will be yours, too along with the heart that goes with it. And if I am right and I hope I am, you will stay...indefinitely. Until then, I'll try to keep the lock on the shelf and the flowers outside in full bloom. Hopefully you'll be here soon, look for the red door.

itunes playlist --february

2010-07-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

I made a playlist over a year ago entitled "february"...cause it was february...sometime between winter and spring when the snow is still on the ground and the light is dim in the evening and you make a cup of tea (herbal tea my friends), put on some music, cuddle up in a sweater, get out a good book and let the feeling soak in...you know?

I've added songs that evoke this feeling over the past year and it's compounded into a massive playlist and I am now going to share it with you...because not that I have an impeccable taste for music, but something close to that and you can too!!! :) I'm so kind.

Crystal Ball // P!nk
I'd Rather Be With You, Brand New Day, Closer // Joshua Radin
This Life // Jarrett Burns (acoustic single)
Magic // Colbie Caillat
Child // Jacob Luttrell
Colors // Amos Lee
Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight // Amos Lee
Black River // Amos Lee
All My Friends // Amos Lee
Paris // Benton Paul
City // Sara Bareilles
High & Dry // Jamie Cullum *cover
What A Difference A Day Made // Jamie Cullum
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room // John Mayer from "The Village Sessions"
Lover, You Should've Come Over // Jeff Buckley
Maple Tree // Angel Taylor
Belief // Gavin DeGraw (stripped version)
Like Rain // Erica Dawn (Neuffer)
Peter Pan // Braden Blake
Beauty Is, Back To You, Pair // Ben & Dan Tengelsen
Orange Sky // Alexi Murdoch
Falling Slowly // The Swell Season
White Lies // Paolo Nutini
Hope // Shae Fiol
Over the Rainbow // Malika Ayane
Details in the Fabric // Jason Mraz ft James Morrison
If It Kills Me // Jason Mraz (from the casa nova sessions)
Anything Can Happen, Christmas Surprise, Gumption, Cry // Hans Zimmer from "The Holiday" soundtrack
Common Threads // Bobbi McFerrin
Chopin's entire 24 Preludes and a few Nocturnes in there
When the Leaves // Ingrid Michaelson
Auld Lang Syne // Hotel Cafe artists
All Love // Ingrid Michaelson
Push & Pull // Nikka Costa
Be Be Your Love // Rachael Yamagata
Hazy // Rosi Golan ft. William Fitzsimmons
Paperweight // Joshua Radin
The Fire // Imogen Heap
Creep (Live) // Ingrid Michaelson
A Message (2010) // Coldplay (from Hope for Haiti)
Oh What a Day // Ingrid Michaelson
Melancholy Astronautic Man // Allie Moss
Shelter // Ray LaMontagne
Hold You In My Arms // Ray LaMontagne
Winter Song // Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson
Snowfall // Ingrid Michaelson
God's Highway // Theresa Andersson
Now I Know // Theresa Andersson
Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois // Sufjan Stevens
The Seer's Tower // Sufjan Stevens
Red Sky // Ryan Innes
Hometown Glory // Adele
I'm On Fire // John Mayer *cover
Flightless Bird, American Mouth // Iron & Wine
To Be Alone With You // Sufjan Stevens
The Chain (live) // Ingrid Michaelson
Glitter In the Air // P!nk
Keep Breathing // Ingrid Michaelson
Hallelujah // Justin Timberlake ft. Matt Morris (Hope for Haiti)
Bloodline // Matt Morris
Comes and Goes (in Waves) // Greg Laswell
Take Everything // Greg Laswell
Skinny Love // Bon Iver
Roslyn // Bon Iver & St. Vincent
Flume // Peter Gabriel *cover
Dig With Me // Allie Moss
Corner // Allie Moss
Hallelujah // Jeff Buckley
Mmm... // Laura Izibor
White Daisy Passing // Rocky Votolato
I Want You // Javier Dunn *cover
Sympathetic Vibrations // The Paper Raincoat
Brooklyn Blurs // The Paper Raincoat
Motion Sickness // The Paper Raincoat
Safe in the Sound // The Paper Raincoat
For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti // Sufjan Stevens

White Winter Hymnal // Fleet Foxes

Andvari // Sigur Ros

Here Comes The Flood (Live) // Peter Gabriel

Let It Be Me // Ray LaMontagne

Trapeze

2010-07-19T01:52:00.000-07:00

I won't be that girl tonight
shooting glances on my right
I won't give up my repose
though everybody knows
but you...
you...

I won't fuel the push and shove
so my heart fits yours like a glove
I won't wear it on my sleeve
swing my heart on a trapeze
for you...
you...

but I'll be on your side, always...
I'll be on your side, always...

I won't be the first to show
how my love's too big to hold
Though I hope to win your heart
know the ending from the start
with you...
you...

I'll be on your side, always...
I'll be on your side, always...

Free song

2010-07-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

Go get a free download of my "patriotic version" of "Imagine", originally by John Lennon on my reverbnation profile!!! Click on the widget on this page to direct you to the site. What are you waiting for?? It's free!!

SingULE Ladies.....

2010-06-01T23:09:00.000-07:00

what is happening....

keep listening...oh my, key change...and what is 3:01-end about???

as one commentator duly noted: what the HELL was that? It sounded like she was singing while jumping on a trampoline.

I have to say I admire this woman...but I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that.

Ourstage Lilith Fair Local Talent Competition

2010-05-07T11:58:00.000-07:00

I'm entered in this competition to play at the 2010 Lilith Fair in Phoenix. You can help me by voting!!! Right now I'm #20, but I've gone back and forth a little so just look for me under Judging-->Lilith Fair-->Phoenix-->Catherine Papworth "Enough".

Thanks!!!! Much love!

Catherine

Don’t get discouraged. Remember that…

2010-03-22T23:57:00.001-07:00

I'm re-posting this from someone else's blog...but it is just what I needed to hear right now:

Every single person that you admire has worked hard and stood up to internal and external challenges to get where there are now and to become who they are today.

Kindness is not a weakness, it is a good choice.

Choice, not chance, determines one’s future.

“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, learning from failure.” - Colin Powell

In light of recent tragedy...

2010-02-15T12:57:00.001-08:00

I wrote this song. Apparently it affected me. Recording to follow shortly.

Live On by Catherine Papworth

It's easy to see from the beginning
It's easy to feel when the light's dimming
But how do we know when our time's at an end, my friend

You lost that day, though
You found your way

And though you're gone gone gone
You live on
When we're gone gone gone
We'll live on
When we're gone
We'll live on

You light up the dark like a beacon
You teach us to dream and keep reaching
But how do we keep on believing, my friend, at the end

You lost that day, though
You found your way

Though you're gone gone gone
You live on
When we're gone gone gone
We'll live on

When we're gone
We'll live on
When we're gone
We'll live on

You lost that day, though (Though you're gone gone gone, you live on)
You found your way
You lost that day, though (When we're gone gone gone, we'll live on)
You found your way
You lost that day, though (When we're gone, we'll live on)
You found your way
Back home

Administer some self-love

2010-02-14T00:10:00.000-08:00

Today...I'm loving me.

The Snooze Button

2010-02-04T13:25:00.001-08:00

I read this on Jason Mraz's blog today (an earlier post) and I'm pretty sure this was directly for me....maybe a few other people...but mostly me. I've been struggling with this very same choice for the past two weeks--the "I'm barely coherent what is that buzzing I just want to sleep to push or not to push the button" choice which ultimately leaves me disappointed at myself and my day and the things that could be accomplished. And....I point the big finger of blame at myself. And vow to change for the better.

You can visit Jason's blog at freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com

"Yesterday I Twitted – twittered – tweeted (which reminds me – I wish this powerful means of connection had been given a cooler name… like Stall Street Journal or something more suitable and snooze-able) So yesterday in the Stall Street Journal I wrote a few of my perspectives on the Snooze Button – that device which offers a 2% chance of returning to your dreams and a 98% chance of non-fulfillment on your real ones. This morning as I hit the snooze alarm again, I got present to what it really is: a Procrastination Button.

If you’re like me and you set the alarm an hour early because you know you’re going to hit the snooze and sleep longer – I invite you to explore where else in your life that mentality shows up for you. Do you put off doing projects until the last minute? Do you often oversleep your project deadlines? Are your dreams altered by your scattered attention to more than one reality? Do you blame the alarm clock for not performing its function successfully? Who else do you blame?

Wake up and smell your finger.

It’s Monday - The perfect day to make bold new declarations - The best week ever to check in on your New Year’s Resolutions and Commitments. What else could you take on this week to make your life and the life of others Great?"

Kids do the darndest things...

2010-01-26T23:08:00.000-08:00

My nephew tried to throw my sister his new green ball tonight. He doesn't quite understand the capabilities of skype yet. He's only 2. The ball didn't quite make it through the computer screen.

new song

2010-01-22T21:46:00.001-08:00

Sit back, feelin' like you don't have a choice

Don'tcha, don't forget'cha have a voice
Just put on your song and
keep on singing!

So Stand Up and get into the picture
I believe that there is something bigger
than you and me
so set yourself free
love makes the light shine
and now is the right time for it

-excerpt from "Stand Up", Catherine Papworth (c) 2010

more Theresa

2010-01-20T16:37:00.000-08:00

I may be going overboard with these videos...but she is never ceasing to amaze me. This song is on her album but sounds great live, too.

how I spent my holiday...

2010-01-19T13:31:00.000-08:00

Even though I am currently self-employed, I was told that I should take the day off yesterday. So, I spent half the day working and then had a pleasant afternoon to myself.

rainy day
moonlight sonata
roasted red pepper and tomato soup
sweats
bubble bath
white gardenia
The Alchemist
gym
Avatar

before it breaks

2010-01-13T14:05:00.000-08:00

say it's over
say I'm dreaming
say I'm better than you left me
say you're sorry, I can take it
say you'll wait, say you won't
say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
let it bend before it breaks

-Before It Breaks, Brandi Carlile

a genius bit of songwriting there...

how these days grow long...

2010-01-12T21:23:00.001-08:00

this song is actually called "Dying Day". Love me some good ole fashioned harmonies laid over a well-constructed melody. Also digging that this is totally unplugged. gutsy. This song is feeding my soul like Ingrid Michaelson's "Everybody" album fed my soul pretty much all of October, November and December. Is it possible for something reach you deep inside and fill you to the brim and still leave you yearning? It's a marvel.
I can't decide which one I like better. The first is better video, but the second is a better performance, I think. You decide.

sometimes....love

2010-01-07T23:06:00.000-08:00

sometimes....love can make you feel on top of the world, unconquerable, awe-inspired, radiant and blissfully overjoyed.

and

sometimes...it can make you feel small and insignificant...mystified and unforgivable.

in my earbuds:
John Mayer-I'm on Fire
sometimes it's like someone put a knife baby
edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley through
the middle of my soul
At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the
Middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
Im on fire

Theresa Andersson-God's Highway
This is the time that's been given to me on God's highway
she is good and that's how I want to be on God's highway
I found my love and I lost my friend on God's highway
I fell and fell and I will fall again on God's highway

Theresa Andersson-Now I Know
Now I know how much I loved you in the morning
and when you're back, you can always come home
I've had enough of living without you
I've had enough of living alone

Jeff Buckley-Hallelujah
There was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me do ya
but remember when i moved in you
and the holy dark was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah

this woman

2010-01-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

is currently my hero. she's just...to quote my friend Christopher Diaz, "I'm so mad". I saw this video last night, purchased her album "Hummingbird, Go!" today and am completely mesmerized. she is like reaching a dormant part of my soul and i hate and love her for it. she recorded the whole album in her kitchen. that just makes me so mad. i want to kill her.

tis the season...to be busy.

2009-12-21T20:53:00.000-08:00

the last week has seriously trumped most weeks I've had in college. At least in college you can sit in your house in sweats studying or nap in a chair in the library when you need a break or have the most abnormal schedule and it doesn't matter.

i don't know how i managed to get through it, but I'm not surprised that I've developed 13 knots in my right shoulder, a sore throat, a disheveled room and extremely tired eyes. but it's fine...it's all done. and somehow, I was able to do it. which despite all the stress, is a good feeling. I haven't blogged even remotely all of the details of my life over the past few months. Maybe I will get to in all my "free" time over the christmas break. for now, I hope you are all happy and well and have lots of love around you this christmas. somehow in the hot mess of my life i managed to write my very first christmas song. way to go me. hopefully i'll get to record it and post it this week.

to my friends and family...love you all! wish you peace, happiness and joy this christmas!!

Merry Christmas, Dear by Catherine Papworth

Merry Christmas, dear
Bells are ringing, for all to hear
Merry Christmas, love
Colored lights fill the skies above

Love abounds, with every sound
So Merry Christmas, dear

Merry Christmas, friend
let's make believe this won't come to an end
like lovers under mistletoe
and angel wings found in heaps of snow

Joyous sounds, upon snowy ground
say Merry Christmas, dear

Merry Christmas, dear
Bells are ringing, but you're not here
Are you walking down my street
or worlds away you're fast asleep

I'll sing a song,
and hope you come along,
soon.

Fa la la la la la la la
Fa la la la la la la la
la
Fa la la la la la la la
Fa la la la la la la la
la

holiday melody

2009-12-15T01:02:00.000-08:00

I've written 3 songs in the past 2 weeks. That's a lot for me. I'm working on my very first "holiday/christmas" song. I want to put it on this record I'm working on....addendum to that last sentence: the album i've been asked so nicely by my brother--for which i've created 1,000 ideas swirling in my head--to complete...but haven't actually put audio to tape yet. let's face it..i wont be putting audio to tape at all...only to digitally sampled capture of real audio. you know what i mean. It will hopefully be an addition to the 6 songs I did christmas 2007 all in basically one night in my room in the basement in BYU student housing. I woke up one roommate on the 3rd floor...I hope she's forgiven me...I think she liked the CD though.

i'm loving my christmas tunes playlist right now. i heard this song on a recent episode of "Bones". nothing significant about the fact that it's by my mistress of music right now, Ingrid Michaelson. her melodies/lyrics/charisma fascinate me...which is kind of weird...because i'm notorious for being into stuff that stimulates and challenges my musical brain....and yet her music is so simple. so simple it blows my mind cause it's just so good. but you can listen and decide for yourself.

in other news....4 days of school left. glory in the highest.

Jump Start

2009-11-30T17:12:00.000-08:00

caught the tail end of this on VH1 Jump Start today. me likey.

apparently this is my life.

2009-11-30T16:31:00.000-08:00

my tweet cloud

i love the juxtaposition of "love maybe life"....so true so true.

winter song

2009-11-29T19:02:00.000-08:00

kind of obsessed with these:

Sphere

2009-11-27T23:36:00.001-08:00

on my way to bed...
been fighting off a cold for two weeks now...
got back a few hours ago from northern AZ where we had thanksgiving at my grandparent's...
and started working immediately on this song...

it's still in the works.

Sphere
by Catherine Papworth

Right now I'm picking up the pieces
Somehow I know that it always takes too long
Right now I'm packing my suitcase
full of broken parts and promises

so here I go and I don't know
how we get here
cause all I see is you and me
in the same sphere
so I gotta get gone
I gotta move on
I gotta move on

Right now I'm filling up the silence with my tired mouth
Gotta learn to stand for something more than myself
Cause if I don't leave, then my life's gonna be
stuck on the shelf

so here I go and I don't know
how we get here
but all I need is some room to breathe
til I get there
so I gotta get gone
I gotta move on
I gotta move on
I gotta move on

I wanna be
heading for the sea
I wanna stand with my love in my hand and my feet planted in the sand

Feel my fingers in the air
Love my life and lose all care
on a mission to repair
to find a space in my own sphere
singing

na na na na na na
na na na na na na
na na na na na na

the ancient art of karaoke...

2009-11-03T22:20:00.000-08:00

purchasing the karaoke version of a song for my middle school class and wondering how in the world duffy got on there. she must be lost. or she shares a fan base with the ancient japanese art of karao-kay.

water rising

2009-10-31T17:32:00.000-07:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

I realize this holiday isn't quite as exciting when you're a 24 year old in a desert that's perpetually summer and you don't fancy big drinking parties and an excuse to dress up like a slut...bunny slut...kitty slut...superwoman slut...take your pick. if I were dressing up it would probably be something extremely un-sexy. like a tator-tot or a light bulb...i dont know those were the first two un-sexy things that came to mind.

so much has happened in the last two weeks. It feels like it's been two months! nothing extremely exciting, but a lot of anecdotes to write about. Unfortunately, I don't have the time right now to embellish. but i will...soon.

for now i am working on a new song: water rising. it came out of a really depressed moment recently---ha..shocker. it just felt like being stuck with your feet planted on the floor while water is flooding in...trying to stay afloat. trying just to breathe. don't mean to wax poetic here...but that's how it felt. and i opened up Reason and began recording...what, I didn't know. but it was cathartic and here's what I have so far.

the water's rising faster than
i can shovel it with my hands
and i a running against the wind
cold is reaching beneath my skin

the water's rising faster than
i can shovel it with my hands
and i am falling into the cracks
where i'm going i can't come back

so lift me up
above the wind
where the water can't rise again
hold me close
inside your warmth
cause i am small
within your arms
lift me up

once again, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! I hope your nightmarish dreams come true!? I watched the BEST Disney Halloween movie recently--Hocus Pocus...soo good. Bette Midler...amazing. In un-true Halloween fashion, I am going out to sushi tonight--which might be scary for some...but oh so good for me. Hope you have a candy-filled, pumpkin-lit, ghoulishly great night. (check out that illiteration).

peace-

cat

feeling this

2009-10-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

nostalgic findings

2009-10-06T18:57:00.001-07:00

i was going through old songs today and found this. i arranged this song in high school for my all-female quartet "Dockside Dollies" (your guess is as good as mine...)
anyway, i know it's not christmas yet...but I was just reminiscing. this reminded me of being 17 and fearless...mostly just musically fearless..but probably in other ways, too. ah the days of ignorant bliss--when you don't know what you don't know...and so you just go...and do. i want to go back to this place again...but maybe to a little more mature, organized, centered fearlessness. abandonment but with a point. though this isn't perfectly in sync or in tune (i.e. the last chord is supposed to be major--haha), its depth and audacity allow for some beautiful moments. not trying to toot my own horn here--just remembering what it's like.

post script: i am sitting here trying to figure out why the word christmas is underlined in red. i'm staring at it like....c-h-r-i-s-t-m-a-s...that's spelled right...right? has spell check become so politically correct that i can't even use the word christmas anymore? and then i realized it's supposed to be capitalized. der.

counter-intuitions

2009-10-05T16:32:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days? Well, I shouldn't even ask that question, cause I already know the answer is yes...yes...unfortunately yes. unless you're an android from mars (i dont know..maybe you are) or some kind of super human...this post may surely sound familiar.

this is me today...I would put * around everything, but that would get cluttered. so use your imagination.

7:00 AM buzzing alarm, my brain: what is that %&*($@! sound? Must HIT BUTTON.
7:09 AM buzzing again. HIT THE ^&%*$# button!
7:18 AM slightly louder buzzing. my brain: all I know is I have two choices right now...sleep in quiet, or sleep with that loud *BEEAAARRAARPPP BEEEEEAAARPPP* in my ear (yes, there's an R in there somewhere). hits button.
7:27 AM violently loud buzzing. my brain....OH...it must be 7. That's what time I decided at 3:20AM that I was going to get up to go walking. hits OFF button.
11:20AM wakes up. groggy. disoriented. looks at red numbers. ah dang...missed early morning walk. head back down on pillow.
11:48 AM head up again. okay okay. i guess i should get up. opens blinds. blinking. eyes closed. blinking. eyes closed. okay, eyes open.
shower.
blow-dry.
clothes.
makeup.
gather everything i need in purse and documents to go get fingerprinted for new job.
walk downstairs with no shoes.
eat.
back upstairs..for shoes and chat with dad.
back downstairs to look up info on cashier's checks on computer.
back upstairs. chat with dad.
back downstairs. ah...where's my ipod.
back upstairs. ipod in hand.
back downstairs.
out the door. ah...I forgot my sunglasses. oh well.

2:00 PM at the bank. i need a cashier's check for $69 (so some government employee can log me in some system and check my squeaky clean background and dirty my fingers with ink and take my money which i dont have cause we're in a recession and we're all poor...in order to get a job so that i'm not poor anymore. stinking government)
2:05 PM can i see a picture ID?
sure. opens wallet...ID gone...wait a minute....i dont have my ID. it's in my other bag *nervous chuckle*...i have my debit card, waves card, more nervous chuckling...as if that would work...i went to a show friday night...they asked for my ID..I must've just taken it out of my wallet and it's in my other purse.
oh..what show did you see?
ingrid michaelson
where?
martini ranch.
okay well...
what's your name...social...birthday....address....phone number...birthplace...first crush...shoe size.
okay...i believe you.
who would you like that made out to?
DPS...it's a good thing I figured this out now cause I'm going to go get fingerprinted and i'd need my ID for sure.
where are you getting it done that it costs $69? My buddy just got his done in Chandler for much less.
oh really? ha...(stinking government).
okay well here you go.
out of bank. back in car. rushing home to get ID.

back home. take ipod off car jack--wouldn't want it to get stolen in my driveway. leave purse in car with door open.
run upstairs. search through purse which i had already emptied to switch purses. no ID.
runs back downstairs to car. search through current purse. nothing.
runs back upstairs. search desk. search purse again. search dresser. search bathroom. search pants.
runs downstairs. searches counter. table. computer desk.
runs to car. searches car.
runs to computer. looks up martini ranch. hi i was there on friday night and i think i might've lost my ID...have you seen it?
nothing.
goes to phone to text friend...racking my brain.
OH YA! it's in my scanner....? i had to scan my ID to verify my identity to put my music on my facebook page.
runs upstairs. grabs ID.
runs downstairs. OH, my sunglasses!
runs upstairs. grabs sunglasses.
runs to car. gets in. keys in ignition. going through purse...where's my ipod?
runs to kitchen. no ipod.
runs upstairs. no ipod.
runs back to car. ipod WAS in purse. duh.
takes off for fingerprinting office.

to preface this part...the only information i was given about the place i was supposed to get myself fingerprinted was that it was called "something like preferred services" and it was on the "south" side across from the Mesa Arts Center. It is a "narrow" building. And it is only open til 3. no information on preferred services could be found on the internet. so i just went to find it on a prayer.

2:55PM me circling around Main St and Center St, 100 W, 100 S, back and forth weaving and weaving...what am i even looking for?
man..my windows are dirty. stupid sprinklers. i can't see a thing.
one more pass on Center street. catch out of corner of eye: "Preferred Information Services" on WEST side of street.
AHA! now where to park.
circle left...then left again...then left again...no place to park on street. pull into a driveway..staring at creepy alleyway...i don't think this is a parking lot.
back out on to street. turn right. turn right. perfect. park.
out of car...ah..i left my ipod in the car. what if someone steals it? already walking away...just let go.
walks up to "Preferred Information Services"...someone standing outside. oh no. they're closed. wait..she's on the phone.
get to the door...open til 4:30. saved.
walk in. sign in. look up. "$12 for fingerprints". sweet that's $3 cheaper than I thought. wait.."$15 for teachers". what the stupid. Cash Only.
looks in wallet. $3 cash. drats.
chime up: you only accept cash?
yes.
is there an ATM nearby?
at Mesa Dr and Main there's a Wells Fargo. (I remember passing it). or there's a US Bank right over there, points.
okay.

sets out on foot. walks to end of block, looks left for US bank. can't see. crosses street. looks back and sees US bank down street to left, but then looks across street ahead for wells fargo, big building...that's probably it. walks across street again. walks up to building. not it. walks down street. crosses back to the first side. keeps walking up street away from US bank. wells fargo has got to be down here. big building: Mesa Bank. oh look...a city bank. okay. walks around city bank. no ATM. looks inside. looks fancy. maybe not that kind of bank.

walks back down street toward US bank. crosses back over where started. strolling along...enjoying little boutiques and fresh 80 degree air. finds US Bank. walks in. no ATM. walks out. ATM on other side. insert card. english. pin number. withdrawal. $20. okay, but there's a $3 fee. THREE DOLLARS?! i remember when it was $1.25. lame. it's been a while since i've withdrawn money at an ATM and even longer since it wasn't a credit union co-op. OKay okay..i'll pay. takes money, receipt, card. turns around. looks across parking lot at...Preferred Information Services. that close. ugh.

goes inside. hands over money. signature. copy of receipt. goes to back. surrenders hand. "don't press". woman handling my fingers. press in ink. press on sheet. press in ink. press on sheet. all 10 fingers. "now forefingers". forefingers???? what the heck??? is that like what a forearm is to an arm...to a finger? the backside of my fingers?? what is this??? grabs my FOUR fingers diagonally pressing on sheet...excluding thumb. OH! gotcha. now wash your hands with that orange stuff. enjoying orange scent...looking at hands...i look like a mechanic.

that's it? that's it. thanks. silently appreciating people who do their jobs and don't complain and make you feel like you're an inconvenience to the world. internally head-bopping to "ain't too proud to beg" playing on their radio.

back in car. heads home. swerves across 3 lanes (phew, no cars!) to gas station forgot i was going to stop at. $10 in tank. all i can afford. it goes over. $10.02. I'll make it $10.05. passes .05 to .07. okay...$.10...passes $.10 okay...$.25. gently coaxing nozzle. $10.23, $10.24, $10.25. perfect. $10.25 for gas.

makes it home in one piece.

maybe i'll go wash the car.

thus concludes "journey through my crazy counter-intuitive brain today"
if you read that...i hope you kept your arms and legs inside at all times. the exit is to the left. hope you enjoyed the ride.

Memories

2009-10-04T00:45:00.000-07:00

Memories
10/2/09

I don't know what to tell you
cause I'd made up my mind
but seeing it all together
is like seeing it the first time

In love don't be hasty
In love use your head
In love don't be foolish
Just hold me instead
of calling up all the mysteries
between us now and then
cause I love you for the memories
so I'll come back again

That fleeting scent on my tshirt
has dissipated in time
and when I pick up the receiver
I'm wishing it's you on the line

We were never in it for the long haul
We had our rights audibly read
If growing up means love becomes the teacher
then I learned this lesson instead

In love don't be hasty
In love use your head
In love don't be foolish
Just hold me instead
of harboring all the miseries
between us now and then
cause all that we have are memories
to bring us back again
to bring us back again

cause I love you for the memories
so I'll come back again

something funny

2009-10-01T00:59:00.001-07:00

I have to admit this made me laugh out loud.

Keep Breathing...

2009-09-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

sometimes you hear a song and it moves you and speaks to you in a place that you can't find on your own. you just can't go there. cause it's beyond thoughts or words. it's in a place solely reserved for deep, visceral connection. music can take you there. and this song is speaking to me right now.

Keep Breathing

ingrid michaelson

The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

Tis the season...

2009-09-24T00:23:00.000-07:00

Fall is here. Anyone getting that itch yet? I know I am....

choir class

2009-09-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

This is what my choir class would be like. haha...

incredible...this made me cry...

2009-09-12T15:11:00.001-07:00

youngest fan

2009-09-09T15:10:00.000-07:00

in case you were wondering...

2009-09-05T00:33:00.001-07:00

I'm probably missing you.

And I probably want you to call.

or write.

or email.

or show up on my front door.

any of those options would work.

until then i'll just sit here...

missing you.

loving this

2009-08-26T22:20:00.000-07:00

thinking...pensively...

2009-08-25T00:03:00.000-07:00

read this quote on a friend's page today:

"Wait for the boy who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kinda boy who brings out the best in you and makes you wanna be a better person, wait for the boy who will be your best friend, who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances, wait for the boy who makes you smile like no one else and when he smiles you know he needs you, wait for the boy who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and have no make-up on, but appreciates it when you get dolled up for him...and most of all wait for the boy who will put you at the center of his universe because that's where you belong."

so finally ready for this...and yet so dreadfully scared of this. the last time i thought i had this, it didn't go over so well. (but let's face it...it wasn't actually like that). so hopefully the next time will be better.

Wonderful (favorite lyrics right now)

2009-08-24T18:43:00.001-07:00

the person that you were has died

you've lost the sparkle in your eyes

you fell for life into its traps

and now you want to bridge the gaps

now you want to bridge the gaps

now you want that person back

and all your ammunition's gone

ran out of fuel to carry on

you don't know what you want to do

you've got no pull to pull you through

say i am

say i am wonderful

say i am

say i am wonderful

If what you've lost cannot be found

and the weight of the world weighs you down

no longer with the will to fly

you stop to let it pass you by

don't stop to let it pass you by

you've got to look yourself in the eye

say i am

say i am wonderful

say i am

say i am wonderful

cause we are all miracles

wrapped up in chemicals

we are incredible

don't take it for granted, no

we are all miracles

oh we are

say i am

say i am wonderful.

-gary go "wonderful"

2009-08-23T01:00:00.001-07:00

Another Testament Trailer from Reflections of Christ on Vimeo.

Imperfect Reflection

2009-08-22T23:32:00.000-07:00

slow down

deep breaths

you're moving too fast,

got your foot stuck on the gas

you're trapped in

a stained glass cage

one wrong move,

and you'll be covered in glass

and I'm feeling

you building walls

all around

and you know that

you're bound to fall

if you keep gracing the edge

i know cause i've been to where you are

where you are

you used to care but now you're just worried

so you start living life in a hurry

rushin ahead to pass by the mirror

hopin someday you'll see yourself clearer

why don't you tamper with your perfection

and learn to love your imperfect reflection

what you eat

comes right out your mouth

so tell me

what is that all about

it's saddening to come to this

but you insist

on a quick fix

from softening

to maddening

it's one extreme to the next

and your defense

is that you

ain't hurting no one

but yourself.

but when you're down you're not alone

not alone

you used to care but now you're just worried

so you start living life in a hurry

rushin ahead to pass by the mirror

hopin someday you'll see yourself clearer

why don't you tamper with your perfection

and learn to love your imperfect reflection

let go

you're beautiful

you're beautiful just the way you are

you are.

Claire and Benson

2009-08-20T12:10:00.000-07:00

I saw this today and I cried. Someone so young and innocent has to go through this everyday. It makes me realize how blessed I am to be healthy.

You can go to their blog here.

2009-08-20T00:45:00.001-07:00

I submit that this is going to be good.

really good.

if you're an engineer/arranger/songwriter/musician/artist/singer/composer/producer/lover of music... this should blow your mind. and if it doesn't...your mind should be blown..into a million pieces. the end.